So far its amazing. This chapter was amazing and very well written. Its seemed very well thought out and just amazing. it was a promising start for a new story and I cant wait for the next chapter
April 5th, 2010 at 08:45am
Well, this certainly seems like a promising beginning. It's certainly attention-catching, and it draws the reader in very well. To me, it is actually comforting; I feel safe in the knowledge that it is only a story, while becoming nervous at the idea that someone out there may actually think the way your character does. Anyone who does so would certainly be a dangerous person.
That being said, I do have some constructive criticism for you.
Practice your use of punctuation. I very nearly hit the little green arrow on the top left of my computer screen when I read your first sentence, "He had no name, for names were only dictations and he was nothing like them." It's certainly an impressive way to begin a prologue. However, a comma should be placed after "dictations."
Similarly, you seem to demonstrate that either your keyboard is missing your question mark key or that you simply don't know how to use said mark. Of course, you make proper use of it in the first question of the prologue: "What’s it like when you aren’t afraid?" However, you ask, "Does it still frighten you when you know what’s going to transpire," with an infuriating period, and follow it with three more questions - "When their eyes blur into another shade of emotion. When their breathing is hushed and still. When you can feel them advancing and gaining your trust" - that also lack proper punctuation. Realize you asking a question with all of these - "[Does it still frighten you w]hen their eyes blur... [Does it still frighten you w]hen their breathing... [Does it still frighten you w]hen you can feel..." - and thus they must end with question marks.
The same follows when you say, "Or is it more like a insensibility. As if you don’t comprehend death. As if you’ll keep on living," though not for the same reason. Each of these sentences is a continuation of the previous; I could rewrite this as, "Is it still fear, or is it more like an insensibility, as if you don't comprehend death, as if you'll keep on living?" Since they may be combined into a single question, each should end with a question mark.
Your grammar skills also need your attention. Remember, when using an article before a word that starts with a vowel (as I did before "article"), it cannot be "a." In your sentence, you should change it to "an."
As you become more advance, a thesaurus may become a good friend of yours. For example, instead of "[h]e was too evilly ingenious," I would prefer something more like, "[h]e was so malevolently ingenious." That is, however, more of a style issue than anything else. It is completely up to you.
On the note of style, yours can be a little confusing. I suspect, however, that this is part of your charm, and that you want your audience just a little off-balance as they read your work. Your descriptions are lovely, too, and I dare say that your form is beautiful. I would point out the option of combining most of your sentences (as I did above) if I thought you would take the idea to heart; this method, though, serves to further your purpose of keeping your readers slightly confused throughout the piece.
To end on a bright note, I'd like to say that in your second paragraph, I absolutely love the first two sentences ("[w]hat made him terrifying was perhaps the fact that the taste of blood was like honey. The scent of death like roses. "). They are the most beautifully written lines in the entire chapter, in my opinion.
I think I have gone on long enough (as my critique may be as long as your prologue by now), but I would like to add that this story seems very promising. All you need to do is work on your basics and get yourself a good thesaurus to keep you company, and I think you will become a great writer.
-Erin
