I Am Only an Actress on This Stage - Comments

Excellent start. Really pulls me in. I like it.

Mary-Alice is quite an interesting name. It sort of throws two really traditional, and dainty names together to make a sweet one. So when I read the summary I had a very clear impression that the character was going to be sweet natured and soft. Holy moly was I wrong! And I am really glad that I was wrong. She has a sense of fire about her, and you can tell in the first few paragraphs when she is breaking up with Derek that she is the kind of girl who usually will do what she wants. The way you have written this feels a lot like a diary entry, which is perhaps the way you intended it to be? In any case, you're doing well so far! Hope you keep going!

Summary:
I do like the mystery your summary creates. It made me wonder what the story would hold and I love that about summaries pertaining to these types of stories. However, I will admit that this will be the first arranged marriage story I've ever read. I'm expecting really good things, though!

Chapter One:
You definitely jumped right into the story from the first chapter and I definitely appreciated that. From the get-go I was immersed in your character's world and having to deal with a pretty abusive boyfriend (like wow, what a jerk).
I'm definitely curious about why the arranged marriage is even happening. I'm also really curious to know where all of this takes place. How long ago? Is this in modern times?
I noticed a few mistakes throughout the first chapter, but nothing that detracted me from the story itself. I would, however, recommend going over this and editing it.
I do think this story has a lot of potential and I wish you the best of luck on it!

@ aubs
I'm so glad to hear that! I'm in the process of working on some more chapters. Hopefully, I'll have a last two up by the end of the month!

I love the first two paragraphs; it was a beginning that I certainly wasn't expecting. The first chapter was just a roller coaster, with the announcement of the marriage and the abusive boyfriend, whom I am happy that she got away with him. But he'll probably come back into her life and try to steal her away from her new, hopefully happier, life. I can just tell. I'd like to hope that he doesn't come back, but nothing in life can be perfect and if he's so set on her being only his, then he will do anything to make that happen.

But the whole debt thing is so mysterious. Is it a gambling debt? A contract of some sort? Who knows. I like how it is kept a mystery until later because it seems so important to her and the family that she is marrying into, and if we find out now, it wouldn't seem as important. And it would most likely be tossed to the side if we knew now. But now we have to wait to find out what it is.

The second chapter was not a filler chapter. I mean, maybe it is, but I think there was some important information that was relevant to the story. It addressed the relationship with the main character (I don't think her name is mentioned yet) and her mother. The fact that her own mother basically threw her away is just awful. But I am glad that Crystal is a much better person to her than her actual mom.

I am really interested in this story already, and it's only two chapters long. There is so much information that hasn't been revealed that I'd like to know, which is why I've subscribed so I can find out what's going to happen next!

@ AlexandreaDanne
Ah! That's understandable! Class has to come first. Good luck! I'll be patiently waiting.

@ ScreamingIntheNight
Yes I am! I am rewriting the whole thing so please be patient. I'm trying to balance all this on top of classwork! Thank you for the interest!

@ ScreamingIntheNight
Yes I am! I am rewriting the whole thing so please be patient. I'm trying to balance all this on top of classwork! Thank you for the interest!

Hey, you still working on this one?

Comment Swap sent me here. From what I can see, the plot is solid and definitely original. You waste no time jumping into the story which is a pro, but it can also be con. The one thing I wasn't a fan of was the shorter, choppy sentences. I recommend beginning looking into usage of commas and semi-colons as it can make it easier to read and follow.The title 'I am Only an Actress on this Stage' is very eye catching and sparked my initial interest. Very developed story. <3

@ Draw 1
Thank you so much! I will hopefully get back to writing this story, it's been a bit crazy for me. :)

Well, I did find some grammatical errors in your writing. It did not make me shy away from the plot thought which is very solid. You have a great beginning that keeps the readers drawn to the words. I am subscribing. What I really do like about your story is the interaction with others. The characters in you story are like real people.

p.s. My stories have so many grammar issues that I could most likely be banned from all english schools. Especially since I fail to correct a lot of them before I publish a chapter or poem. I go back combing through and fixing minimal mistakes, but it is nothing short of a miracle to get a chapter done.

Here from Le comment swap.
Well firstly, I like the whole tone of this story, I think you wrote it very well. For some reason I was excited to read this, I don't know if it was the tile of the Bullet For My Valentine lyrics you used in the fist chapters description.I think you've got just the right amount of speech and description in there, it's interesting to read too. Your plot is good and as is your use of language. Good job.

@ I_willbeyour_Deadman
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. I will be working on it! You've made my day!

Well, one way to make it feel less rushed is you could give details about the surroundings. I've found that to be lacking. When you picture your characters where do you see them? What are the rooms like? I was taught this back in high school (can't remember the teacher, but hey, she taught me something unlike most) when you describe settings, to use the five senses. Put yourself there for a moment and then write what you see, feel, hear, smell, and even taste. Note, that some writers even say that some emotions have a taste to them. Ex.: The battle was long over, but the victory was nothing but a bittersweet taste upon her lips.

You give good emotion descriptions, but what about an insight? Chapter Six, where Jack is talking to Chad, I can see he is bitter and upset, but why exactly? What's going through his mind as he takes in Chad's news?

Just remember to take your time with your chapters. I've been writing for eleven years. I'm not a professional and I don't know everything. I just know that it comes to you when you show potential. And TRUST ME, you do. Also, yes, I do like your story and have subscribed to it. :)

@ RayabellaLeeAnn1993
Do you have any advice on how I could not rush it? Also did you like it at all?

At first, your chapters were a bit rushed. There were parts where I was unsure as to where the characters were until it was suddenly mentioned. As your chapters progressed, however, it got better. Some parts still feel rushed a bit. Take your time. You're the writer. The next chapter comes up when YOU are satisfied with the work. Not when people beg.

On the whole, I have been enjoying your story very much and I wish you all the luck from it. By the way, I too am from Comment Swap. I find that it is the best way to find stories that my selective nature would have had me ignoring and therefore missing what could be and is a good story.

i'm from the comment swap! i like this, while parts of it may feel a little rushed and there are a few simple easy to fix spelling mistakes, it's good. you definitely thrive in grammar and your sentences flow well. you know what you're doing. this isn't a story i would necessarily stick with or read, but it's interesting and worth reading so good luck with it!

I'm from Comment Swap. Normally I shy away from vampire stories just because they ARE so overdone and cliche, but yours seems better than most. I have to agree that there were quite a few mistakes, but those are easy fixes. Other than that, I didn't find any other mistakes and I agree that with some editing, this could be good. :D

This was interesting. The first chapter doesn't reveal a lot, which is good because it makes the reader want to carry on. However, I do think it is a little rushed in to, explaining about the arranged marriage. That's just my opinion though!
Hayley x