I Am Only an Actress on This Stage - Comments

I really liked your summary, and how it lead into the first chapter. I can see some grammatical errors, but they are minor and don't interfere with my ability to understand the story.
I like the development of the characters, and the plot line. You're concise, and don't blab too much to move things along.
One thing I might suggest is that instead of making a break in the writing to tell the reader you're skipping to the next morning or whatever, you write it in as part of the story somehow. That way it doesn't interrupt the flow.

Overall, good job. Keep writing! :)

Fourth time today. I've commented already, but comment swap wants me again, so:

I have to say this thanks to comment swap:
Oh my god, I love it. I haven't read an arranged marriage story ever, because I thought they where stupid, but comment swap gave this to me and I read the summary, I was like, "Oh, I'll just read the first and second chapter and comment." but after I read I was like, "HOLLYFUCKINGCRAP. This is good!" Well... besides a few errors, but I do that, too.
Keep up the good work.<3

Third time. I've commented already, but comment swap wants me again, so:

I have to say this thanks to comment swap:
Oh my god, I love it. I haven't read an arranged marriage story ever, because I thought they where stupid, but comment swap gave this to me and I read the summary, I was like, "Oh, I'll just read the first and second chapter and comment." but after I read I was like, "HOLLYFUCKINGCRAP. This is good!" Well... besides a few errors, but I do that, too.
Keep up the good work.<3

I've commented already, but comment swap wants me again, so:

I have to say this thanks to comment swap:
Oh my god, I love it. I haven't read an arranged marriage story ever, because I thought they where stupid, but comment swap gave this to me and I read the summary, I was like, "Oh, I'll just read the first and second chapter and comment." but after I read I was like, "HOLLYFUCKINGCRAP. This is good!" Well... besides a few errors, but I do that, too.
Keep up the good work.<3

I've commented already, but comment swap wants me again, so:

I have to say this thanks to comment swap:
Oh my god, I love it. I haven't read an arranged marriage story ever, because I thought they where stupid, but comment swap gave this to me and I read the summary, I was like, "Oh, I'll just read the first and second chapter and comment." but after I read I was like, "HOLLYFUCKINGCRAP. This is good!" Well... besides a few errors, but I do that, too.
Keep up the good work.<3

Very stunning. Just stunning piece of work. I don't like vampires. I'll be the first to admit I never took a bite out of the twilight series. But this is great, more than great- straightforward and descriptive and a great use of the first-person point of view. Really fantastic what you've done here- beautiful prose and every word hit it's target very well. :)

I have to say this thanks to comment swap:
Oh my god, I love it. I haven't read an arranged marriage story ever, because I thought they where stupid, but comment swap gave this to me and I read the summary, I was like, "Oh, I'll just read the first and second chapter and comment." but after I read I was like, "HOLLYFUCKINGCRAP. This is good!" Well... besides a few errors, but I do that, too.
Keep up the good work.<3

Despite the punctuation and grammatical errors, I do like where this is going. The repetition of words threw me off a bit when going through the paragraphs, and I think that could be worked on, using different turns of phrase to describe an action, and even like the last person said, you put a lot into your paragraphs. There are many other adjectives that could be used to replace them.

Other than that, as I read on, I definitely see your characters growing. Continue with this. I'd like to see where you take it.

I haven't read an arranged marriage story in so long, aha, I'll admit they were a bit of a guilty pleasure a while ago for me, so I was a teensy bit excited to read this when I first read the summary. Especially with the vampire mixed into the twist. I really love seeing how people create basically their own vampire races for each story that makes it unique. c:

First off, your dialogue/tags aren't grammatically correct, the commas and periods are placed wrong. If you don't get what I mean, you can message me and I can elaborate on that. Too, after a piece of dialogue, you should always write something pertaining to the person saying it, and not about someone else. So if she says something, it should follow up with something the girl says, not some information about the boy. It's just easier to follow who's saying what and makes more sense for the reader.

Another grammatical type thing, you switch tenses a lot throughout between past and present. I know, sometimes I find myself doing the same thing, but I'd just either give it a read through or get someone else (a beta or a friend you can trust) to read it through and you can see the errors sprinkled throughout. It's not that big, but to some people (like me, aha) it can really turn a person off from a story.

I think it's really interesting how she reacted sort of numbly, but I feel like it's something that she's come to terms with over a long period of time, I like how you elude to that by the I was out of tears to cry. I really like the actress/world/stage metaphor you have laced throughout with the title and in the first chapter, it's very clever and I like how it applies really well to her... situation. It really shows what kind of person she is, sort of anti-confrontational, and I like that because I can really relate to her like that. :3

Lastly, I'd suggest mixing up your sentence structure up a bit. It's very choppy and awkward in a lot of places, try creating longer sentences with commas and whatnot for more of a fluid, well, flow with the words. The key is variety.

Otherwise, it's a really good beginning! :3

The sentences, I will admit, are a little awkward sounding. This can be easily fixed with a bit of proof reading. For example, in chapter one, after she says goodbye to Derek, the sentence "For me I have a forever to live through. With a guy I hate." I would consider adding a few commas in there, break it up a little differently, maybe something like "For me, I have a forever to live through with a guy I hate." It's not bad, just little changes could make it a lot better.

I think this is a really interesting idea. I'd suggest working on your sentences to make sure they aren't awkward sounding. One trick is to read things out loud to see how they sound. If you do that I guarantee your writing will improve.
That being said the writing is good. Another thing is when you're writing dialogue you don't have to tag every line. If a conversation is happening between only two people you don't need to specify who's saying what every time someone talks. Other than that it's good and I look forward to reading more of it.

I like this story because it has a lot of potential, and can go in a lot of different directions. I like your descriptions of the characters. There were a few errors in the first chapter, but the number seems to lessen as you progress the story, which is good. Pretty good job so far! :D

This is for the ‘comment swap’, I’ll be reading chapter one only for you. (:

Based solely upon reading the summary, this story doesn’t really sound like something I’d be interested in normally. I’m not one for romances or arranged marriages. There was a sentence that seemed a bit awkward in the summary to me though, it was this one:
“ They are friends, become more than that.”
I’m not entirely sure what you’re trying to say there. Do you mean they became friends but ended up becoming more than that? If so, it would be best to reword that sentence because it’s pretty confusing as is and doesn't quite sound right. Maybe something like “they are friends, but become more than that”? Just a suggestion. But some rewording for that sentence would be a good idea.

I like how you snuck in the descriptions of what the characters looked like. Doing that is so much better than just putting a block of text describing each character. I’m always pleased when I see an author who can describe their characters throughout the chapter(s) and not just put all the description in one place. It shows you know how to use description in your stories which is a very good thing, a lot of authors seem to struggle with that.

I did notice another small error in the chapter, that error being this one:
“ Unless of course I decide hide.”
‘Decide’ should be ‘decided’. I’m sorry, I know that sounds nit-picky but it’s just something I noticed while reading the chapter.

“ I bask in silence like a way to tanned girl worships her tanning bed.”
I can’t think of the word of what this sentence would be called… I want to say it’s a metaphor but I know that’s not right. The actual name is slipping by me right now. But anyway, I love this comparison. I can’t really say exactly why I do, but there was something about this comparison that I absolutely loved. Though the wording of the sentence could use some work, it’s a bit awkward as is. Maybe something like “I basked in the silence like a tanned girl worships her tanning bed”? Again, just a suggestion. It’s a bit of an awkward wording as is, so try to play around with it and see if you can decide on another way to word it.

I loved the way you portrayed the emotions of the characters in the chapter. All the emotion you described seem real and “feelable”. It was as if the reader could feel and relate to the emotions the characters were feeling. That was very well done.

Overall, the story was very well done. It was a good read and has a lot of potential. Aside from a minor error and some awkward sentencing structure, there weren’t many errors in the chapter which is a very good thing. Your story has a lot of potential, nice job on it. (:

This story seems cool so far. It is written nicely and it's quite cool. The layout is nice, and the story content is also good. The wording and the descriptions are very good. The story is quite interesting. You are doing a really good job. Continue writing.

I showed this story to my sister because she seemed interesting in what I was reading. She thought it was amazing to. Even though my sister doesn't have a Mibba account, I didn't see the point of not telling you that she enjoyed your story as much as I have. Sorry for commenting twice in the same night,but I thought

I showed this story to my sister because she seemed interesting in what I was reading. She thought it was amazing to. Even though my sister doesn't have a Mibba account, I didn't see the point of not telling you that she enjoyed your story as much as I have. Sorry for commenting twice in the same night,but I thought I would let you know :)

I'm sorry for being a critic, but I must say, you'll get more readers moving on to Chapter One if you re-word the summary a bit. Try instead this:
'Delilah Monhollon, known as the emo, geeky, loser in school, has just recently moved to a new town to attent a private school. There, she meets Derek, her next door neighbor. Friends at first, but they soon become much more than that. Ony to find out later that Delilah is being forced into an arranged marriage. The reason behind it is that her parents want to see her live a wealthy life. The problem is that Derek is a complete jerk, and Delilah hates him. But he's only doing his job. Many problems awiat this not so perfect couple.'
My point behind this being that some of your sentences can be combined together. Also there's this little trick I picked up from my english teacher, not only will it give you longer chapters but it will also just help itsound better: When writing every sentence make sure you give the who, what, where, when, and why. That doens't mean literally give every single thing. It means when writing sentences like 'She hates that.' change it to 'Jessica hates it when people make short comments on her stories because it's inconsiderate.' See, first, I changed it to someones name, and then I put what she hates, and why. It just adds to the story. I have to remember to do it all the time.
On a somewhat good note, your story seems somewhat interesting, but personally I don't like the whole 'arranged marriage' bit. because all I think about it when I hear it is 'Then effing leave!'...lol

they gave me your story again, sorry.

i'm just happy now. just... happy. that's all i really have to say. your story is like (how curious katyy said) almost all my things wrapped into one. Jazzy looked so funny in the character page, by the way. made me laugh so hard.

the story and the writing is good and it will be popular soon, i think. just keep up the good work.

i'm just happy now. just... happy. that's all i really have to say. your story is like (how curious katyy said) almost all my things wrapped into one. Jazzy looked so funny in the character page, by the way. made me laugh so hard.

the story and the writing is good and it will be popular soon, i think. just keep up the good work.

Arranged marriage? Un-forbidden love? Neighbors? Vampires?

Gosh, that's ALL my favorite things in ONE story. GOODJOB!(: I for sure love this story , keep writing because I promise it'll be worth it when it becomes VERY popular :)

Good job, forreal :)