April 15th, 2010 at 09:50pm
As I said to you before, you have this way with words... so unique and erratic that it makes me feel as if I am a schizophrenic patient trapped inside a room with too many colors to handle.
The images are so vivid, the descriptions so deliciously real, but what stands out the most is your way with narration and those erratic thoughts that pain words inside my head.
The character, Madame, for I dare not say her name in fears of having some ray or bullet trespassing me between my eyes, is so incredibly strong. Female characters tend to have these weaknesses that make them incredibly dull, but this character has such a strong aura surrounding her... I wish I was her.
It's such an amazing story, and thank you very much for letting me know that you posted.
The story title is interesting enough, I just wish there was a summary to go with it. It bugs me to no end when stories don't have summaries, but I guess it's just a personal thing for some people.
The first sentence of this kind of confused me a little bit. I wasn't sure if the narrator was actually talking about a person or an existing of one. The "could have" I think was what made me not get it. The descriptions you created though in the first paragraph was superb. I'm big on when a writer can create an image in my head without it being to descriptive, you know. That kind can get messy, but you blanched it out with the characters emotional appeal to how she was feeling at the moment and the surrounding atmosphere.
I like the narration, it's simple and to me it seems like the narrator is in some confused state because she's starting to see words in patterns. I thought the fact that you made the wall kind of symbolic, I'm not sure how yet, but I feel it like here, "And the stripes covered my eyes and my heart and my ears and I couldn't see no more. I couldn't see the truth. Only stripes.."--I don't know what's going on, but I like the mysterious aspect of it. I can't psychologically get inside the character's mind yet because I don't know what's going on.
"Eyes poised in battle, I pushed at his overgrown, scaly form. He staggered and I stood tall."--Now things are starting to become clear. I believe she is getting raped (could be wrong), and the things she's doing now, going off into a world that makes sense to her, is so understandable. I'm not sure if you seen or read the book Precious but that reminded me of that, going to some place that makes the person feel safe, loved, and wanted some how. So that captured the realistic nature of it. Beautifully done.
I could be wrong with my above analysis, but are they in a foreign country, France to be exact because Madame is said often, or maybe just a different time period, I'm not so sure. But going on with that, I can hear the tone in their voices and it seems fitting for the story. I'm no history buff, and I'm not sure if this writing is pure fantasy or based off something, but I completely have no clue what's going on, and it's hard for me to actually get the aspect of this story but it is well written, with a few mishapes.
You have some grammar problems, and some trouble sentence structuring. I would take a look at some of those things, but I would have to agree with the comment above me, this was okay writing.
Keep writing (=