* The image you've got in your layout, I once used that image for a seminar presentation thing in high school about fact and fiction in The Crucible, it's a lovely, haunting image. :) And, I google translated the title and got: All hope abandon, ye who enter; (if it happens to be a super rough translation, it still makes sense!) I like how the title really matches the image in the layout and maybe even sets up the reader for the story to come. :) It's interesting how some things just tie super well together. :)
Prologue My name isn’t Dante. - I've never read Dante's Inferno, but I've heard a lot about it/seen it represented in art (is that where the image in the layout is from maybe? Someone's interpretation of something in Inferno? I remember when I used the image I just got it off Google images...); but I like how already there's the link between hell and a character who has told everyone he isn't Dante, but there's a connection for him to tell people that's precisely who he isn't. I'm sure what I typed doesn't even make sense on screen, but it makes sense in my head. :)
though I occasionally do drink I bit too - 'a' rather than 'I'
I’m scared of dying - I like this line here and how it again would relate to Dante and everything that name seems to be associated with. :)
You don’ know me. - don't? Or is it don' ? :)
But you’ve already figured me out, haven’t you? Made nice assumptions, categorized me, labeled me. You’re just like the rest. Just like all the kids at my High School. Or are you better than that? Above that? Hypocrite. Admit: you already have a fine image already. And you just can’t let go. The question is: are you going to judge me based on you assumptions, or are you going to give me a fair chance despite them? It’s up to you. - this is great. :) And I'm smiling because I've already judged the character, linked him to hell and assumed a whole lot based on my limited knowledge of what I've assumed. :) I like that, I think it works quite well, challenges the reader into trying to think of something else; or at least give him a try - and it's like he already knows that it's not going to happen. That was a nice piece of narration there, :)
Through a Dirty Window I whish he wouldn’t - wish :)
seem like a - seems/seemed (keep with the tense)
hem seem cold - him
Thoughts aren’t my thing. I’m all feelings. Practically pieced together by different sentiments that create a pattern I like to refer to as myself. - I like this line because it creates almost the fundamental difference between the two characters; Virgil is the poet guiding the other character through a poetic journey which (in your story) is metaphorical (at least, that's my understanding of it). Virgil, in your story, understands more and it's based on emotion, philosophy, reason rather than thoughts which might confine a person. It makes it more understandable why one would be Virgil. :)
mutterer as I slip of the - just 'mutter'? and off :)
You where there - 'were'; and You where there when - 'were' again. :)
you how stood - who
side though endless fits of - through
“I just don’t know for how long I can hold your hand and guide you through it,” he says with something close to sorrow sneaking into his voice. - I also like this line. I like how honest' Virgil' is and how there's an acknowledgement of his(?) own limitations in this journey. Having not read Inferno I can't draw any founded conclusions, so I'll just assume that there's a point where Virgil must stop? And this is hinting at that.
not to loose - lose? I feel 'loose' doesn't work as well.
of bruised from - bruises
“It won’t last forever. It’s just a short journey,” he tells me with reassurance written all over him. “And I’ll be your accompany. You don’t have to go through it alone.” - In a way, this kind of contradicts that last sentence I commented on, but I think it works in an assuring way. The journey in the reality of the situation will be short, but there's some deeper level there, I guess. :) (So maybe it doesn't contradict at all?) The rings of hell might represent the layers within the characters mind?
with his hand rests on - resting?
He bits his - bites
it has tripped of my - off
Epilogue out a bear can. - beer? Though, as I found out in my first year of Uni, you can actually get Bear Berr, it's just a can with a bear on it ;)
I like that you mention the narrator is a male, because at first it was something I thought, because he referred to himself as not being Dante, and that's something I'd assume most females wouldn't say. But then you mentioned a fringe and I didn't know if it was a female fringe or just a guy with a fringe - I guess I've been so unused to reading about boys with fringes. :) But also the narration seemed quite feminine, and I'm not sure why I thought that. :/
Overall I'm sure I might not know what this story is about, or I might know but think I don't know. :) Either way, I like how you use Dante and Inferno as a guide to writing this story, I like that you build up this idea of your character in the prologue and then have him confront the reader about assuming things about him. In the second chapter I really liked how most of the dialogue was followed with one way of thinking then the following line was in italics and represented what the character was really thinking. I like how it contrasted his lack of honesty with the blunt honesty of the character comforting him. I think I preferred the character you named 'Virgil,' just because he seemed to be more truthful about the situation, almost annoyed at finding himself there again, time after time, but I like that he stayed. :) I'm also wondering how much more there is to the character, because I kept thinking he might have been some figment of the lead character's imagination. ;) He was interesting, nevertheless. :) I'm not entirely sure what to make out of the epilogue, but it's an interesting way to end the story - he's a pseudonym and the reader won't find out anything more about him. It just maybe reiterates how insignificant he thinks he is maybe? I don't know. :/ But it's a really interesting write. :)
Prologue
My name isn’t Dante. - I've never read Dante's Inferno, but I've heard a lot about it/seen it represented in art (is that where the image in the layout is from maybe? Someone's interpretation of something in Inferno? I remember when I used the image I just got it off Google images...); but I like how already there's the link between hell and a character who has told everyone he isn't Dante, but there's a connection for him to tell people that's precisely who he isn't. I'm sure what I typed doesn't even make sense on screen, but it makes sense in my head. :)
though I occasionally do drink I bit too - 'a' rather than 'I'
I’m scared of dying - I like this line here and how it again would relate to Dante and everything that name seems to be associated with. :)
You don’ know me. - don't? Or is it don' ? :)
But you’ve already figured me out, haven’t you? Made nice assumptions, categorized me, labeled me. You’re just like the rest. Just like all the kids at my High School. Or are you better than that? Above that? Hypocrite. Admit: you already have a fine image already. And you just can’t let go. The question is: are you going to judge me based on you assumptions, or are you going to give me a fair chance despite them? It’s up to you. - this is great. :) And I'm smiling because I've already judged the character, linked him to hell and assumed a whole lot based on my limited knowledge of what I've assumed. :) I like that, I think it works quite well, challenges the reader into trying to think of something else; or at least give him a try - and it's like he already knows that it's not going to happen. That was a nice piece of narration there, :)
Through a Dirty Window
I whish he wouldn’t - wish :)
seem like a - seems/seemed (keep with the tense)
hem seem cold - him
Thoughts aren’t my thing. I’m all feelings. Practically pieced together by different sentiments that create a pattern I like to refer to as myself. - I like this line because it creates almost the fundamental difference between the two characters; Virgil is the poet guiding the other character through a poetic journey which (in your story) is metaphorical (at least, that's my understanding of it). Virgil, in your story, understands more and it's based on emotion, philosophy, reason rather than thoughts which might confine a person. It makes it more understandable why one would be Virgil. :)
mutterer as I slip of the - just 'mutter'? and off :)
You where there - 'were'; and You where there when - 'were' again. :)
you how stood - who
side though endless fits of - through
“I just don’t know for how long I can hold your hand and guide you through it,” he says with something close to sorrow sneaking into his voice. - I also like this line. I like how honest' Virgil' is and how there's an acknowledgement of his(?) own limitations in this journey. Having not read Inferno I can't draw any founded conclusions, so I'll just assume that there's a point where Virgil must stop? And this is hinting at that.
not to loose - lose? I feel 'loose' doesn't work as well.
of bruised from - bruises
“It won’t last forever. It’s just a short journey,” he tells me with reassurance written all over him. “And I’ll be your accompany. You don’t have to go through it alone.” - In a way, this kind of contradicts that last sentence I commented on, but I think it works in an assuring way. The journey in the reality of the situation will be short, but there's some deeper level there, I guess. :) (So maybe it doesn't contradict at all?) The rings of hell might represent the layers within the characters mind?
with his hand rests on - resting?
He bits his - bites
it has tripped of my - off
Epilogue
out a bear can. - beer? Though, as I found out in my first year of Uni, you can actually get Bear Berr, it's just a can with a bear on it ;)
I like that you mention the narrator is a male, because at first it was something I thought, because he referred to himself as not being Dante, and that's something I'd assume most females wouldn't say. But then you mentioned a fringe and I didn't know if it was a female fringe or just a guy with a fringe - I guess I've been so unused to reading about boys with fringes. :) But also the narration seemed quite feminine, and I'm not sure why I thought that. :/
Overall
I'm sure I might not know what this story is about, or I might know but think I don't know. :) Either way, I like how you use Dante and Inferno as a guide to writing this story, I like that you build up this idea of your character in the prologue and then have him confront the reader about assuming things about him. In the second chapter I really liked how most of the dialogue was followed with one way of thinking then the following line was in italics and represented what the character was really thinking. I like how it contrasted his lack of honesty with the blunt honesty of the character comforting him. I think I preferred the character you named 'Virgil,' just because he seemed to be more truthful about the situation, almost annoyed at finding himself there again, time after time, but I like that he stayed. :) I'm also wondering how much more there is to the character, because I kept thinking he might have been some figment of the lead character's imagination. ;) He was interesting, nevertheless. :) I'm not entirely sure what to make out of the epilogue, but it's an interesting way to end the story - he's a pseudonym and the reader won't find out anything more about him. It just maybe reiterates how insignificant he thinks he is maybe? I don't know. :/ But it's a really interesting write. :)