I love your description especially. It's very frank and to-the-point, making the images very clear for the reader. You include loads of detail, and I, as the reader, was able to see everything that was happening and how the scene develops.
I did notice a few grammar errors in the story: "Yes, sweetie?" He asked me, his voice has always soothed me, so it sort of helped calm me down. I tried to look at his breath-taking face, as that too calmed me down. I couldn't, it was pitch black." Which I believe should be: "Yes, sweetie?" He asked me. His voice has always soothed me, so it sort of helped calm me down. I tried to look at his breath-taking face, as that too calmed me down. I couldn't; it was pitch black."
I noticed this error a couple of times throughout the story - using commas where other punctuation is needed. If you need me to tell you where the others are, please let me know :)
The other thing I noticed was that you use ` instead of normal apostrophes. I'm just wondering why, as it often makes the words look very disjointed and the flow of the words seems to be lost a little.
However, I love how you address the reader directly. It's like you're almost challenging them, to question their own lives. It's a very interesting techinique, and you use it with your narrator very well.
I love your description especially. It's very frank and to-the-point, making the images very clear for the reader. You include loads of detail, and I, as the reader, was able to see everything that was happening and how the scene develops.
I did notice a few grammar errors in the story:
"Yes, sweetie?" He asked me, his voice has always soothed me, so it sort of helped calm me down. I tried to look at his breath-taking face, as that too calmed me down. I couldn't, it was pitch black."
Which I believe should be:
"Yes, sweetie?" He asked me. His voice has always soothed me, so it sort of helped calm me down. I tried to look at his breath-taking face, as that too calmed me down. I couldn't; it was pitch black."
I noticed this error a couple of times throughout the story - using commas where other punctuation is needed. If you need me to tell you where the others are, please let me know :)
The other thing I noticed was that you use ` instead of normal apostrophes. I'm just wondering why, as it often makes the words look very disjointed and the flow of the words seems to be lost a little.
However, I love how you address the reader directly. It's like you're almost challenging them, to question their own lives. It's a very interesting techinique, and you use it with your narrator very well.
It's very good. I liked it alot.