Genius - Comments

One-shot for One-shot

I loved this, the dialogue was really well written and I thought very original. I liked the way you described their views on magic, it really made me think. The whole peice is very interesting and I loved the characters, especially since you didn't name them.

Well done, this is an amazing story.

Story Review Game:

The summary was perfect. However, I didn't like how it was the beginning of your story. If it had been further along the story, it would have been fine, it just felt a little bit repetitive to me. It's a great line, but I didn't need it there twice.

He flicked the tip of his cigarette upwards and the flying ash yanked my head to the ground.
- I really didn't understand this. I can't seem to comprehend what you mean by the last section. ...the flying ash yanked my head to the ground. I don't understand what action you're trying to get across.

"I dunno..." I scratched my head and looked the other way. And then I looked up to him. "Cheesy shit, I guess- like...love and...sunlight and shit.
- It's interesting to see these two personalities have a conversation. One who is a complete intellectual, who sees things in the ways of Math and Science, and the other who is a more... relatable character. The latter sees beauty in the simple things, and it's very interesting to see him try to explain as to why these things are so beautiful to someone who doesn't understand it. I mean, we as humans, can look at a rainbow and see the beauty of it, so I think that that entire aspect of having a character who is unable to relate to that is very unique and makes things extremely interesting.

"Define pretty..."
"I...well, you can't-" I paused. His eyebrow curled up. His eyebrow smirked cockily at me. I cleared my throat. "It's something nice to look at."
- Again with the definitions! I love it :)
- Like I said, it's so interesting (sorry I can't find a better word) to see this man explain to the "Genius" what pretty is, and what magic is - seeing as these two words can vary in meaning to different people.

"But...shit's pretty magic, 'member?"
- I loved the ending. It sort of tied all the points that the two characters discussed together in one simple sentence.

Overall, I thought that this piece was marvelous. It's definitely different from other things I've read on this site. You did a very good job with this. The dialogue was perfectly believable. I like how you've sort of turned the guy's opinion around. Like travis bickle said, he is so sure of the magic that exists in real life, however the "Genius" is able to cause him to second guess himself and pretty much forget all about it.

You've done very well with this :)

So I bailed out of reviewing this on the Story Review Game thread because I didn't have enough time, but I wanted to drop a comment and say that I really did enjoy it. Sorry this isn't an in-depth comment at all, but two things - your dialogue was amazing and your characters were really interesting. I agree with travis bickle up there, I've rarely read a one-shot that was mostly dialogue and yet had such strong characters. Great job!

I'm glad I managed to get this story. I can't remember the last time I reviewed something I enjoyed. I love how you managed to create most of the one shot using speech, and the actions were mostly just that.. actions. There were none of those crap, try-hard metaphors to describe every tiny little movement each character made. You were just telling it, and I love it when people do that. I think speech is far more powerful anyway.

"I don't believe in magic."
I love this as an opening line. It's short and definite, it pulls you in because you want to know who it is speaking (even though we never really find out, which is something else I thought was fantastic about it) and why they don't believe in magic.

One thing I noticed was how the narrator seemed to be so sure of himself when he was simply stating things, but when he was questioned about his thoughts he had no idea what to say. There are quite a few examples, so I'll just give one.

"You don't think it's pretty?" I asked.

"Define pretty..."

"I...well, you can't-"

He's too stubborn to be proven wrong, so he just fills up his sentences with 'you know' and 'like', almost as if because this guy is a 'Genius' he's just going to automatically understand what he's trying to say? I thought that was really effective, even if that's not what you were going for. I also liked how regardless of how many times he was stumped for an answer, he was still trying to get the better of the other character, who seemed completely unphased by pretty much everything the narrator said.

as he lit up another fag I didn't know he held, with the lighter I didn't realise I'd let go of.
Although that wasn't quite the ending, I loved it. The way that all throughout, the narrator is trying to persuade the Genius there's such a thing as magic, but he ends up second guessing and questioning himself so much he seems to forget it, only to realise that even if the Genius calls them 'tricks', that's not really all they are.

This was so good, honestly. I thought the conversation in the story in general was very interesting - it's not very often you find somebody can write a one shot based on speech and do it well.