My Little Decoy - Comments

Story Review Game.

The layout isn't my favorite, I'll be honest. It's rather plain and doesn't really make me want to read the story. I suggest you spice it up a bit or have someone help you make a layout. I could even do that for you. But anyway, I suggest you link the url in your summary. The proper way to do so is [url=] [/url]

Oh, and I'll only be reviewing chapters one and two. That's all I have time for at the moment, I hope that is alright.

One.

There's a banner on this chapter. It's certainly better than nothing, but in my opinion, horizontal banners are crisper looking than vertical one's. It's whatever floats your boat, though. :) I do like how the chapter title is up beside the photo, though. I've not seen that before.

Onward to the actual material. I'm writing as I read so forgive me if I sound odd.

Doubts, that was how it started, and how I knew it would end.

Though this sentence is scarce with actual meaning of what exactly happened or what would end, it hit me very hard. A strong sense of emotion came over me when I read this, so I suppose it will be of some great importance to the story.

And in those last couple days before it really did end, and we were be sitting in his room, just watching each other; me watching the doubts and fear flicker across his face, and him watching me, scared I would disappear.

This, in my opinion, is a run-on sentence. But it's very pretty and descriptive. I love the word flicker. Plus, I love how it states he was afraid she would disappear. Very intresting so far.

His stomach still ached from the pounding he had taken five minutes earlier, his own blood clogging up in his fingernails.

This made chills run down my spine for some reason. His own blood clogging up in his fingernails. Has he been in a fight, perhaps?

This first chapter gives me a slight feel for what this is going to be about. It rather grabs my interest with the way you've written this. I was pleasently surprised, as I wasn't expecting much from the layout. But, you know what they say. You can't judge a book by it's cover.

You've left a mystery behind who they are and why they're pretending to be a couple. And that is what's fueling me to read on - not just because I have to. Your writing style creates a very odd feel to your words - but in a very good odd way.

“You’ve never been so used as I’m using you, abusing you my little decoy,” and Chase held her tighter but the music was so loud he could feel it pulsating through his skin and her words were lost too the sound. Then, he had figured it didn’t mean anything anyway, just words said at the heat of the moment. If only he knew how wrong he had been.

This last paragraph was a perfect way to end the chapter. It makes me want to punch a wall because it ended so cliff-hangery like. But guess what, I DON'T HAVE TO WAIT, LOL. I can click the next button. Anyway, you've started this piece in a very fantastic way. Just enough detail to make your reader see what's happening, but not so much that the reader is like "Okay, I don't give a fuck about the detailing on his shirt!" I feel that way sometimes with readers who stuff and stuff and stuff detailing into their writing. Detail is good, but less is more.

Two.

I don't like the fact that you put 'Kay' up at the top as you did in the first chapter. You could put in the short description on the chapter title who's POV it's going to be in. It makes me think you're saying 'okay' improperly.

The first paragraph speaks a shocking amount of truth, you don't see much of the more hurtful side of love in stories. I'm guessing you'll be showcasing that darker side, which excits me. I'm all for the darker side of things. I'm a pessimist and a weird child, so the darker and more negative the better for me. Plus, I'm tired of seeing the ecstasy and romance. I want heart-break and lies!

Too me, he was just another face in the crowd.

'Too' should be 'To'

I didn't even have to reply when he demanded we get out of the club, just let myself be dragged through the noise.

I liked this sentence a lot. It's very flowy, I guess I could say. It really sets up for what I'm sure is about to happen.

She was half Indonesian and half English and she had these shocking large almond shaped eyes that had am eerie way of staring dead at you, as if she could read your very mind from just staring.

This was a gorgeous description that really prepared the reader for Kat's character. She seems like one of those wise, other-worldly people already.

He was back, drilling me with his ice cold blue stare.

I liked this a lot. I showed to me that his eyes are blue, didn't tell. I love the show not tell aspect of writing. You've captered it perfectly with this line.

Is she a hooker? Because that's the way it sounds from the last paragraph. If so, I don't mind, but it comes as a surprise to me. I don't know, she just didn't seem like a hooker in chapter one. Regardless, this was very beautifully written as well. You've done a great deal of indirect characterization - my favorite. I love it when an author SHOWS me what a character is like rather than TELLING me what he / she is like. This is a very beautiful piece so far and I'll come back to read chapters three and four when I have more time and I shall leave you another comment telling you what I think about them. Anyway, this is just marvelous. <3

Interesting plot. I liked the concept. Good job. =]

alice-in-wonderland good!

I just want to start off by saying, I apologize for taking so long in getting the results out for my Paramore Song Contest. Things just haven't been that great for me, but here it is. :)

Wow. You are truly a beautiful writer. The details you include in your story are very well put together and it results in a well-put together story.

The whole concept of this story was really great, and I can actually relate to the characters. I loved it.

Liked it so much, you've earned 2nd place in my contest.
Message me and let me know which two stories you would like me to comment and subscribe to.

interesting. :) more please!