Something We've Lost - Comments

I read the first chapter so far, but that was enough for me to like this story.

The sentences were very descriptive, for example the first couple of sentences. I didn't see any flaws, so so far it's going really great. And the fact that I love ATL is a bonus.

Story/Review Game:

I thought your summary really grasped what most high school seniors thought about. I know I sure did, I didn’t want to leave high school, but I knew I had no choice. High school is a place where teens can find who they are, and you captured that feeling all over again it made me smile. I’m usually not a fan of high school stories, I only written one, but I would really like to see where this goes. I thought the last sentence of the summary made sense with the story’s title.

From the banner, I believe this is an All Time Low fic, I’m sorry I’m not familiar with that band, but I liked how you started this story out with them on a plane. Also, you showed some character as well when he couldn’t get the patterns right in the clouds and he got angry. To me that showed little things can get to him easily.

“Does it make me a douche that I really don't want anybody that knows us to be at the airport?” he asked.

I got what you were trying to say, but this was so awkward to read. You have unimportant words that make this sentence to jammed. It sounds unrealistic and I could never picture a guy in a band to even say something like this. Try, Do you think I’m a douche for not wanting people to know we’ve come back. Something like that, I tried my best to match what he originally said.

But I do like Jack and Alex’s interaction with each other. I could tell they were best friends from their actions and that seemed realistic to me. I love reading bromances in stories whether it be in original or fan fiction.

“You ever worried we're going to run into people we knew in high school?”
“Nah,” Jack countered, “I mean, she lives in Connecticut now.” His ears popped.

I liked the added humor during this part. I thought it was funny how Alex asked Jack a simple general question about their old classmates, and Jack’s mind automatically goes to Aspen. How cute, but I felt that she kind of hurt him as well in someway, I thought that was interesting.

I liked how Jack was in denial when the rest of his band mates were talking about his relationship with Aspen, his reaction was what any normal guy would do, I would think, but I couldn’t tell that they graduated from high school four years because of how they acted and talked. At some points it was annoying, but understandable at the same time.

No, Jack didn't love Aspen anymore. There were times that he missed her, as well as times that he hated her. She was just like any other person from his past; a ghost now, really.

I really liked this line. It summed up most relationships as well as the line about Jack not trusting him with his head. This story isn’t the most descriptive for me, like I said before I didn’t know much about All Time Low and it was really hard for me to get a image of these guys. You didn’t describe anything that would differ who these guys were. You mentioned a lot that Jack liked music, well he is in a band and such, so that was kind of given. Another issue I had with this was the dialogue; some parts didn’t make sense and sounded very unrealistic to what people would actually say. But other than that, I really want to know what happened between Aspen and Jack I believe that was the whole premise of the story, so I thought you ended it well with having us guess the outcome of the two.

*I missed out on some stuff*
Title:
I like it's good and suits the story but it would be better if you didn't shorten the words and said We Have

Layout:
It's nice and simple. Not too hard on the eyes.

Summary:
It's a good length and didn't gave away too much detail about the story.

Chapter one:
The lights of Baltimore gleamed below the airplane as it soared towards Baltimore Washington International Airport This didn't flow well with the two Baltimore's. Try leaving out the first one and just saying 'The lights gleamed below the...

To Jack, they looked like the small dots of a Lite Brite toy— What's a lite brite? Maybe you should have put that in the author's notes or something.

"Fuck you," he frowned at the lights. Why is he suddenly so angry? This ruins the flow of the first paragraph tbh.

"'Hear hear'?" Alex repeated. Shouldn't there be a comma between the two hears?

"I was reading Harry Potter yesterday," admitted Jack in an almost embarrassed fashion. It would sound better if you said Admitted Jack, almost embarrassed. Fashion doesn't go well here.

Alex inquired as he buckled his seat belt. Inquired sounds too formal for this context. It is okay to use but it doesn't go together well.

But that didn't mean that he liked talking or thinking about her either. They had grown up together, in a sense. They had gone through the awkward years of puberty together; they had braved all of their homecomings and proms together; they had studied for the ACTs and SATs together; and Aspen had been at every one of All Time Low's early shows, just like Jack had gone to all of her soccer games. She had been such a big part of his life, and then she had just let him go.
I really like this paragraphy, it flows together nicely and it's the best out of the whole chapter.

There shouldn't be any pressure for him to move on though.
A comma should be put in before though.

He turned up the radio as he started driving, not even caring that the radio stations in Baltimore never played anything good.
There's too much stuff about music in this part, it all seems a bit much.

"Nah," Jack countered, "I mean, she lives in Connecticut now." His ears popped. His ears popping there seems a bit random. He's speaking and you would expect it to say 'he said' or something. I just think it sounds silly.

Jack added as they reached the front of the plane and Zack, Rian, and Matt joined them. Who are all these guys?! It sounds stupid the way they just kind of appeared there...

Overall:
I liked it overall. Despite the few errors, you did a good job. Personally I don't like All Time Low or fan fiction but it was a good story, well done

Title:
I like it's good and suits the story but it would be better if you didn't shorten the words and said We Have

Layout:
It's nice and simple. Not too hard on the eyes.

Summary:
It's a good length and didn't gave away too much detail about the story.

Chapter one:
The lights of Baltimore gleamed below the airplane as it soared towards Baltimore Washington International Airport This didn't flow well with the two Baltimore's. Try leaving out the first one and just saying 'The lights gleamed below the...

To Jack, they looked like the small dots of a Lite Brite toy— What's a lite brite? Maybe you should have put that in the author's notes or something.

"Fuck you," he frowned at the lights. Why is he suddenly so angry? This ruins the flow of the first paragraph tbh.

"'Hear hear'?" Alex repeated. Shouldn't there be a comma between the two hears?

Alex inquired as he buckled his seat belt. Inquired sounds too formal for this context. It is okay to use but it doesn't go together well.

But that didn't mean that he liked talking or thinking about her either. They had grown up together, in a sense. They had gone through the awkward years of puberty together; they had braved all of their homecomings and proms together; they had studied for the ACTs and SATs together; and Aspen had been at every one of All Time Low's early shows, just like Jack had gone to all of her soccer games. She had been such a big part of his life, and then she had just let him go. I really like this paragraphy, it flows together nicely and it's the best out of the whole chapter.

Overall:
I liked it overall. Despite the few errors, you did a good job. Personally I don't like All Time Low or fan fiction but it was a good story, well done.

Story Review Game

The lights of Baltimore gleamed below the airplane as it soared towards Baltimore Washington International Airport.
The way you use "Baltimore" twice here takes away from the quality of the sentence.

To Jack, they looked like the small dots of a Lite Brite toy—though instead of creating a picture, the lights shone in a completely nonsensical fashion.
What is a Lite Brite? I love how you connect such a trivial and real thing to the story, but some readers, like myself, may have no idea what you're speaking of here.

He tried looking for some kind of pattern in the whites, yellows, reds and greens but there was no sense to their placement at all.
There is a comma needed before "but".

"Fuck you," he frowned at the lights.
Woahhh, where'd that come from? Sudden anger at mere lights is definitely not expected, but I'm having a hard time deciding if that's a bad thing or a good thing. I suppose it can be both.

He pulled the shade down to cover the window and turned to his best friend and bandmate, Alex. "Does it make me a douche that I really don't want anybody that knows us to be at the airport?" he asked.
Alex looked up from his cell phone and pondered the question for a minute before nodding. "Yes," he announced, "It does. But who isn't a douche at three in the morning?"
This whole section of dialogue was very nice and pleasing to read -- I enjoyed it.

"I was reading Harry Potter yesterday," admitted Jack in an almost embarrassed fashion.
I'd prefer that you didn't use the word "fashion" here to describe how he's talking. It's such a feminine word, and when you're using all male characters in this scene, it just doesn't fit, even if you didn't mean for it to be used in that way.

Alex's eyes became round, and his eyebrows climbed higher.
I love this line. Such a unique way to describe facial expression.

The landing always felt like the worst part of the entire flight.
"always felt like" throws off the feel to this sentence. Maybe say instead, "The landing was always the worst part of the flight for Jack."

His friend merely stepped out right behind Jack though, cutting off a disgruntled looking man in an ill-fitting business suit.
There needs to be a comma placed before "Jack".

Jack added as they reached the front of the plane and Zack, Rian, and Matt joined them.
WAIT. Where did all these other guys come from? It's like you just pulled them all out of thin air here, and it really puts a dent in the story.

He was right. "I think he misses her," Alex announced.
Rian rolled his eyes. "I think you want him to miss her," he countered.
I loved this part, probably my favorite couple lines out of the entire chapter. You have a really nice talent with using dialogue.

He had been in relationships since Aspen.
Since Aspen... what? The sentence just sort of drops off there, as if you're referring Aspen to being a relationship, instead of being a part of one.

There shouldn't be any pressure for him to move on though.
A comma is needed before "though".

He turned up the radio as he started driving, not even caring that the radio stations in Baltimore never played anything good.
There's a lot of music-turning-up going on in this chapter. I'd try to cut a little of it out, most likely in this scene.

Jack Barakat needed excitement, he needed activity. If not, Jack thought way too much.
I didn't particularly like this ending, as it just sort of ends, with no sense of finality or completion. But it was nice, all the same.

Yay! I really like it! I love the fact that you added horses in there, I have always loved horses. So beautiful and graceful. *Sigh*

Angry Jaaack. The whole family conning her into going on vacation was funny though. :D Can't wait for a new update!

Sad Jack makes me sad:-(
The last line...*dies*...Aspen's a little late to figure that one out!
It will be interesting to see the events to come!
I hope atleast we get to see a happy Jack at some point!
More soon please:-)

Lovinn' this one, too! <3

Yay!
I really like this story, as well as your other one (but I'm pretty sure you knew that;-))
I'm really into the idea of this and I can't wait to learn more about what happened and whats going to happen now:-)
This story is pure amazingness:-)

I really liked that.
No faults really.
Flowed well :]

I am now officially, returning the favor :)

I really liked your story. I think, you're like the first person, who's actually cussed on here, haha. I enjoyed it. I picture the whole thing in my mind, like a movie. I even kind of felt like my ears popped when they mentioned it, lol.
I thought it was cute how even the friend wanted them to be together. It was cute how he was like "they were so happy together!" I found the vacation part funny, too.

You need to write more, I'm subscribing (:

I love your writing style. I'm officially stalking all your stories. xD Especially since you write about my favorite band as well. <3

He tried looking for some kind of pattern in the whites, yellows, reds and greens but there was no sense to their placement at all.

I really liked the entire opening paragraph, but especially this sentence. ^_^ It’s a very descriptive sentence, and flows extremely well.

"Yes," he announced, "It does. But who isn't a douche at three in the morning?"

This made me laugh my arse off. It’s hilarious. The question itself is, as well, but the reply just made me gigglesnort. XD

"It's three in the morning," Jack snapped, paraphrasing what Alex had told him earlier, "I'm entitled to being a diva."

I definitely love Jack’s attitude. It’s snarky and sarcastic, and his sentences and way of speaking show that. I loved this sentence It made me laugh too. ^_^

He had been in relationships since Aspen. And he had liked those girls. Sure, it wasn't another four year extravaganza, but they were serious relationships. Kind of.

I like how you phrased his self-defense in this. It’s well-written.

There’s nothing bad I can say about Something We’ve Lost. It’s got no grammar mistakes that I can see, at least in the first chapter. And it’s structured well, as well. Over all, I think it’s excellent. I think I may read the second chapter and subscribe. ^_^

So me and tq6776 should prob be best friends or something.... This story is bangin!! Can't wait for an update!!!

Yes first commenter:-)
I hate a weakness for Jack Barakat!
And so far this story is proving to be interesting!
Can't wait to see where it goes!