Secret Valentine - Comments

omgomgomgomgomgomgomg
I love it.
And that picture?
I can't stop giggling with pure joy when I see it.
It's just sooo.....
Adorable<3

I hope Chris' okay. Fk screw homophobic parents! They suck!

I <3 this story, can't wait for an update :)

This really interests me...plus, Chris is sooooooo cute!((:

poor likkle chris :( ill hug him better! and nick is so cute :3 ooh btw yur an awwesome writer :) looking for moreeeeeeeeeee

MOAR?!
Please? I love this... sooooo much!
Update soon please!

dfgjkldl;fkgndlfk love<3

AEO8YW4T84HORG
God. Please update. I'm maybe//kinda//sorta hooked onto this story now.

i so want more of this now[:

Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me for not commenting when I never got an email telling me you people updated.
Plus, at one point I couldn't read anything because the font was so tiny and in cursive.
ANYWAYS.
Update, Lane.
NAO.
:3

I’ll be reading as I write this, kay? =D

Ch. 1
Aw, poor gay kid with a homophobic dad. That actually sounds a lot like my friends situation.

Dude, that whole getting read scene? Happens to me all the time.

“mum” ha, British people are cute =D

“He look” Did you mean “Hey look”?

Ch. 2
Not a huge issue, but I think that either in the chapter or in the chapter summary, you should let the reader know that you’re switching POVs.
Nothing huge, I figured it out at the second paragraph, just something to note.

"Eww, he's ugly," Dave exclaimed’ That bit of dialogue seems a tad fake. Like, you know those after school specials that have teenagers, but the don’t talk like teenagers?
That’s just something you may want to keep in check.

"Cool name. I'm Nick," Again, a bit odd. If his name was, lets say, Beelzebub, then it would be a cool name. Chris is fairly common. Maybe consider something like “I like that name” instead.

"Erm, I'll see you later, okay? I've got to go now,"
The first bit is spot on with how you’ve established Chris as a character so far, a bit awkward and unpopular (therefore uncomfortable when talking to someone popular) but the last bit seems strangely formal. I suggest “I should go” or something to that effect. Maybe add a few pauses or stutters to make Chris’s…awkwardness stand out.

“and making some homework” as in, doing homework?
I’m not familiar with the British, er, language (?). It’s quite different from American English sometimes.

Haha, I like that “actual music” part XD

“Why isn't he at home, playing video games?” That seems a bit presumptuous.
Might I suggest?
“Why wasn't he at home, playing video games or walking his dog or something?”
I also changed the word “isn’t” to “wasn’t”, to keep it in the past tense, like the characters are telling a story instead of saying what they are doing now.

"thank you, I think..."
The ‘I think’ is odd to me. Maybe ‘I guess’?
I mean, I understand that Chris could be thinking that Nick may be playing a joke on him, but, I don’t know.

“But I have to go now”
Maybe its just the ‘I have to go now’ thing.

One last suggestion,
“Look me in the eye, please. I want to see your beautiful eyes, boy. I smiled as he looked up, right into my eyes. So, you're a mind reader then, eh?”

To maybe
“Look me in the eye, please. I want to see your beautiful eyes, boy I thought, desprate to see those forest green beauties again. I smiled as he looked up, right into my eyes. So, you're a mind reader then, eh?”

Ch. 3
This is, of course, sad and whatnot, but I love this line
“If he knew I was at the mall trying to earn a little money to move out, he would skin me alive. Even if I was just at the mall walking around, I would be hospitalized”

This one, too
“He treats me like a dog. I can't even eat at the dinner table. Apparently being homosexual is contagious, and he doesn't want to catch it.”
Haha, its so dark and funny.

There is a town called ‘Braintree’? FTW, haha. That’s actually what I thought of when I read Braintree, Nick’s drawing.
Like a tree with a giant brain that eats people so its brain can get even bigger O.O

“Yeah, I do. My father doesn't allow me to have pocket money. And he hates "faggots like me". I'm trying to get enough money to move out so that I don't have to see him anymore”
That seems a little revealing. I suggest either changing it a bit so that Chris still tells Nick that he is gay, or add something like ‘as I passed the note back to Nick, my cheeks reddened as a realized how revealing it was.”

“I'm good at keeping secrets and giving advice” Again, a bit odd.

Chris is the best. That’s honestly great advice, and something we use all the time at my school’s GSA.

Ch. 4
I actually don’t have much to say about this chapter.
Its well written and fluffy and cute.
All I could think of is maybe the part where Chris tells Nick about his father is a bit rushed.
Maybe you could have Nick see a bruise or something?
Either way, I think you should say something to the effect of
“I didn’t care that we seemed to be moving fast. He needed me”

Ch. 5
So… Ingle is his last name? Drew is his middle name then? Or does he use his mother’s maiden name because his dad sucks?

Very sad. Poor Chris. Though, being the bitch I am, I actually would have made Chris’s beating worse. I’ve been in a lot of situations where friends of mine have been beaten for being gay, and it does vary between a simple punch to being hospitalized. You just gotta remember, for future scenes, to take Chris’s father’s anger into account. People do stupid things when they’re angry. For homophobes, even stupider things.

Overall

I actually like this a lot, despite my criticisms.
You took a fairly cliché plot and made it something original and good.

It’s all well written, though the dialogue could use a bit of work on staying true to what teens say.
I actually base dialogue in my stories, when I have teens (or close to it) talking, on some of my own conversations.
Of course, not really. Like, I write Waycest but I haven’t even had a conversation where I profess my love for a sibling XD
But I just think about if I were the character. Not a creepy self insertion thing, but like “if I were Mikey, what would I say?”
You just have to always remember what characteristics your character has.
So an awkward character, Chris, is awkward when he speaks: with pauses and stutters and ‘um’s or ‘er’s.
And charming characters, like Nick I imagine, is always fairly smooth and kinda always knows exactly what to say (of course when he is alone with someone you could show him being slightly awkward if you wanted him to seem insecure, just make sure that the other character comments on this and the insecurity is explained, so you don’t just have a snap change like that).

I do like this though.
*Subscribe*
Good job! =D

Post Script: From reading the comments above, is Chris Drew a real person? Or a character in another one of your stories?

poor chris :(
thanks for updating + mentioning me.. lol
update soon! xx

Hi, so I'm about to pimp slap Chris's father for being a douche :D
xD uh, yeah, but you should most definitely put up more soon, cause I love this<3

-lame comment is lame-

This story is absolutely amazing. I love it soooooo much!!! You need to update now or i will be forced to stalk you.. XD...<333

THIS STORY IS THE SEX. :3
Lmfao, it's seriously greaaat.
i lub it. <3

THIS STORY IS THE SEX. :3
Lmfao, it's seriously greaaat.
i lub it. <3

That poor boy! I feel so bad for him.. Hes to sexy to be hurt. D:

That poor boy! I feel so bad for him.. D:

hey, i love this story.
but with the layout it's hard too read. fantasy is too... blod-ish looking.

maybe just change it? :/ sorry.

the story is amazing tbh.

bad chris's daddy! :(