Love and Death - Comments

It twas good. I missed you. A lot.
<3 Bill.

Wow, so first thought here: I love the banner!!
Also, yeeeeesssssssss!! Violin with In Die Nacht!!
This should be exciting! Shopping with Bill, Tom, and Quin... I like Quin. :)
Also, I like her outfit -- especially the boots!!! -- and I like how you've put pictures that you've taken into the link section!! Very cool!

It's good.
Walker Art Center, Cherry Spoon!!!
I love the church across the street, when my mum and I took Don home we passed both the church and the art center.

ollie write soon! XD i live this story and you know i do and waiting is a pain lol,keep writing <3

Okay, first things first:

I was a little confused when I read the ‘Bill Kaulitz + Audrey Fink’ short summary on your story page. Mostly because I thought that Audrey was another famous person and that the story was a pairing between her and Bill. I actually went to Google to check before I clicked on your story, because I wanted a little bit of background on Audrey so I wouldn’t be so lost while reading. Quite obviously Audrey is from the depths of your mind, so my search yielded nothing. However, in my honest opinion, I’d take the Audrey Fink off of your short summary. It’s pretty misleading for readers and also because some people don’t read crossover fics—they prefer Bill and an OFC.

I really like the background and the photograph separately. I don’t think they mesh well together though and that the tiled pattern is a bit overwhelming. This is also just my opinion. Your long summary is intriguing and I’m pretty optimistic about where this story is heading so far. My only other critique is that your disclaimer should be in a smaller font. I feel that it runs together with your summary and that’s misleading for your readers.

Your titles all sound promising! I especially like ‘The City At War’. I have phenomenal mental images already. Okay, so my first problem is that you haven’t spaced out your paragraphs properly. Like in this comment, every paragraph is supposed to have a line break between them. It’s really stressful on your readers’ eyes to have to squint at a solid block of text. I’m not trying to be super picky, but I’m letting you know before someone reports your story. :)

I really like the way you’ve written your prologue. I think it’s such an interesting, unique way to give out information, but without giving away too much of it at the same time. It adds just the right bit of mystery and intrigue to keep me wanting more.

Okay, so I can’t help but notice that you switch tenses quite a bit in your writing. Don’t worry, I have the same problem. But I’ve learned to catch it (for the most part, haha) through careful editing and reediting. You also have quite a few spelling and grammatical errors. My suggestion would be to write in Microsoft Word (or whatever program you prefer) that helps you catch your spelling/grammar mistakes. Trust me, I am an atrocious speller and Microsoft Word does wonders. Obviously it won’t catch all of your mistakes, but here is where I also suggest investing in a beta reader—someone you trust who will read over your chapters and point out your spelling/grammar errors and just generally help you improve in that area until you’re more comfortable proofing and editing on your own.

I’m a bit concerned for Max—22 and being daft enough to bleach the towels? Though he is a guy, so I really shouldn’t put anything past him. Also, I’m a bit dubious at the prospect of Audrey and Quin showering together. I just have troubles believing that any parent would let their teenage daughter shower with a male (gay or not) and also, the two showers in one bathroom thing. I don’t think that’s the norm for en-suite restrooms. But that’s probably just me being overly picky, haha.

I’m a little confused with as to why Audrey freaked out so much over the Germany comment. I really think it’s a bit overly dramatic and angsty for her to automatically rush upstairs and get THIS CLOSE to cutting herself. It was just a comment about how she is the only one born in America, correct? Unless there was something blatant that I missed completely…

I’m definitely intrigued to see what’s the story with Pippi. I’m assuming that this is based off your friend? And I absolutely LOVE how you’ve ended the chapter—I’m such a fan of mysterious cliffhangers. Definite awesome points for you right there.

The only other thing that I can think of is for you to be careful of your regions. And by that, I mean (and maybe this is a conscious decision on your part) that you should be careful while choosing names. Ashleigh and Warren aren’t very German, as far as names go, but I can understand if you chose those names on purpose. Not every person in Germany has a name like Günter or Hilde, haha. The one thing that definitely stuck out to me was your spelling of Ashleigh. Ashley is an English name, but spelling it with –leigh as an ending is a modernized spelling. And going back to your prologue, I’m going to estimate that Ashleigh was born in the late 50’s/early 60’s. The modernized spelling of ‘Ashleigh’ wouldn’t have been around. A trick that I’ve used while developing my own characters is to go to a social security site and look at popular names in the year that my character was born. You can always find something unique and quirky, but also you stay true to the realistic aspect of your story.

Overall, I do like your writing style. I think you have a lot of potential and if you just work on spelling/grammar/etc. I think your story could come so far. Your plot is a cliché, but I genuinely think that plot takes a backseat to characters. So be sure to leave lots of room for development and expansion. I feel that people remember characters more so than plot, so make sure your characters are memorable.

And again, I don’t mean any of this in a malicious way. I’m just giving my honest opinion and pointing out areas where I can see improvement is needed. I really do genuinely feel that you have a nice style of writing—in some passages, your writing just flows so well!—and I am honestly interested to see where you take your story.

Don’t stop writing. :)

Ha, sorry it has taken me forever and back.
Nice, i get it now. I saw Pippi and i was like! OMG PIPPI, photography and Bugg but no this is a totally different person. Ha. I get it. Liked it, chaps could be a little longer. We'll work on that tonight though.
I would like to know what happened to Pipps. We'll see.

Nothing.
I already like the start of this chapter. It give a sudden bit of background and is really interesting for a chapter start.
Chords.
Violin!! Yess!!! Love the violin! I suck at it though... XD
Pippi. That's got to be "her," right?
Guess so. :/ That's really sad...
But a good chapter!

Alright. This is for You.
Baha! She's so spastic... XD
Oh. Oh my. I want her dining room. :')
Also love the "Hello, creature!" bit...
Agree with MyHotelRomance on this chapter.. I don't understand why she freaked out so bad about the Germany thing, especially enough to go up and nearly cut herself.
I'm glad Quin said something though. I'm also surprised he didn't go after her to see what was up.
Who is "her?"
Like. :)

Next is... The City is at War. Immediate thoughts on the title? "This should be fun."
I'm loving the raisin thing. Auddi mentions it with such nonchalance... such easy humor. :)
Pfftt. Bleach for black towels. And he's in college?! XD
Holy cow, colorful house -- my dream come TRUUUEEEEE. I've been trying to majorly promote color in my house lately... Not going so well... but my bedroom is blue! :)
Also, I just screamed a little because I thought Auddi threw a real living goldfish at Max...
I'll be honest, I'm a bit skeptical about the two showers.. and the fact that they're basically sharing close space, basically without clothing... But alright.
Thoughts on "X's" outfit? Billie Joe Armstrong. That guy is awesome.
Boy. These lovelies are intense with their clothing! XD Like the outfit, though. Thought mum said no tights!! Naughty... ;) Also, like the skull bangle. Have that on my polyvore as well... :)
Why "family" in quotes though?
Thumbs up again! :)

Sorry for commenting twice... that = fail.

Moving on to The Start of Something Good...
I laughed at the whole "be dressed in decent clothes!!" thing. That's my mum right there... She used to throw a major fit when I'd come down in ripped clothes... She's given up by now though, haha!
I like her dad! He seems like a funny guy to balance out her mum's seriousness.
I like Quin as well! He reminds me of one of my friends... Although probably quirky in different ways.. my friend has a gift for making things with duct tape...
I don't completely understand the dynamic between the siblings and their friends, though... I guess they all get along? They're really touchy-feely though. Makes me wonder if anyone has feelings for anyone else? Or are they just really close?

Okay. So after some thought, I've decided to split the comments up by chapter...

So the preface.
I like how you made it a look into her mum's mind... very insightful and showed a lot about her character. Definitely a "what-iffer," haha!

A couple suggestions: watch your tenses. Especially here,

Quote

"Twenty-eight years of my life has been stuck behind this wretched wall. And finally we would be free!"

and here,

Quote

"But somehow I know that this was better for my children, my husband, and myself. I know things will work out for the better."

Over all, this was a cool prologue of sorts. It gives a lot of background without saying too much or flooding us with information.
Thumbs up!! :)

Okay. So after some thought, I've decided to split the comments up by chapter...

So the preface.
I like how you made it a look into her mum's mind... very insightful and showed a lot about her character. Definitely a "what-iffer," haha!

A couple suggestions: watch your tenses. Especially here,

Quote

"Twenty-eight years of my life has been stuck behind this wretched wall. And finally we would be free!"

and here,

Quote

"But somehow I know that this was better for my children, my husband, and myself. I know things will work out for the better."

Over all, this was a cool prologue of sorts. It gives a lot of background without saying too much or flooding us with information.
Thumbs up!! :)

It's okay. A little slow to me, and i don't get why she got embarrassed at the table in the fourth chapter
but it's pretty good :)

Little confused as to she is? Some kind of personality disorder?
Also you authors not was a little confusing.

Love the story so far... update soon?

I love it(: I like the characters and so far I like how its going. <3
More soon, babe?

Her outift, wow. Bill, be careful!
Ha, ha Prince Bill, hehe.

I'M COMMENTING, SO DON'T EAT ME.
You changed it, from the prewritten stuff. Max is awesome.
Poor Quin.
And um, yea you're amazing!

...Comenting virginity -TAKEN

You have an epic story in the making, are you planning on updating it or?...