Adventurer's Log - Comments

This is really good. You could really develop this into something amazing.
But you said harsh criticism, so you shall receive it. From a 13-year-old. ;D
1st thing that struck me as a bit odd: a dark elf family that is friends with a dwarf. I don't really get that...
There do need to be spaces between the rest of your dialogue. It's easier to read when the dialogue and narrative are separated.
I don't think Thorn uses enough of the accent that Brim does. It's kind of on and off. (from a different area maybe?) That takes a little away from the realism of your characters. I can see them in my head, and hear them too.(call me weird) I think thats an awesome thing to be able to do, and it's an invaluable talent as a writer.
Last thing though, you might want to change the layout. You can request one on the forums, or I can tell you how to make a really simple one. Just because, the stark white background can hurt a little to look at while reading.
The awesomely awesome parts:
The plot is totally great and it's very original.It almost gives me a dungeons and dragons feel, in a good way. It's very creative.
You do not waste words. You have a great writing sense, and no words are unnecessary. the fact that your writing with an accent is very impressive. It must be very hard getting all the pronounciations into letters.(but don't forget that the h's sometimes disappear depending on the word)
Your flow from word to word, sentence to sentence is very natural, and it isn't difficult to understand. Exellent job.
Your character development is very good, and the personal relationship between Brim and Thorn is very nice. Their full backgrounds have yet to be revealed...
Progress: You are not going too fast, which can be a very annoying thing on these sites. You are writing yours more like a novel, and I like that.

Overall, I really love it. Sorry about the long review. I got really into it. ;] I don't expect you to take advice from a 13 year old girl though, so it's fine if you ignore it. Keep writing. I really like it. *subscribes*

Finally got around to reading this.
It's pretty good so far.
That's my "honest opinion" of it.

This is a really exciting story. Keep up the good work.

I think it's good love your description (the most) really put me there, I'm curious to see where it goes.

And it's actually just a grammar rule when writing dialogue each time someone different speaks you start a new paragraph.

lawlz
i agree with mrs. forge weasley!
space out your dialogue more
and maybe use less dialogue and put in more actions or descriptions
other than that, it was really good for a first chapter!!!!
:P

That was really good Jeffrey but if there is anything I can offer to you, it would be to space it out way more. Having a whole conversation bunched together in a whole paragraph really makes it confusing to read. Update soon. :)