False Departure - Comments

Personally, I liked the layout. It was simple and didn't hurt my eyes or my head. I liked the repetition and the word choice. Overall, I liked the whole story and I thought it was funny what you first came up with from that quote. Good job. :)

This was very well written.
I really liked it.

I loved the banner, because in a way, it summarized so perfectly the whole story. Very good flow, and tone. Thanks for entering. :)

Judging has begun! The picture was priceless and it made me think about the journey the girl had been on. The first line of the summary was nice; it’s a question I often ask myself. The wording was average. There were a few things the upset the tranquility of the piece like the questions, “What was I going to do? Ask the dirt what I should do with myself?” There were also a few unnecessary words. The unnecessary words (mainly so) became repetitive. Some clichéd phrases were easily noticeable. There were nice words like infected, crevice, and odyssey. Some abstract ideas seemed unfinished. You seem like you have the good makings of a well written piece but it was if you wrote as if you were speaking. Overall, I enjoyed the subject matter.

Story Review Game

Layout
I don't like it. I think the background color and the picture match well, but that pink is too harsh a color to go with the layout, and I think you should make the story section white, cause black is a little harder to see on that color background.

Story
It's awkward how you can be so alive, so free in one instant, yet so... Cold and dead the next.
- There shouldn't be a space between the ellipses and the word cold and cold shouldn't be capitalized.

To most, the thought seems arrogant, exaggerated, planned even, but at that moment I felt like I was beginning to drift.
- This line would sound better as "To most, the thought seems arrogant and exaggerated, planned even, but at that moment I felt like I was beginning to drift."Softly, easily at first
- This is a fragment, and I would suggest tagging it onto the line before. Say like this: "To most, the thought seems arrogant and exaggerated, planned even, but at that moment I felt like I was beginning to drift softly, easily at first."

Then, I experienced such an uncomfortable burning sensation deep underneath my ribs, as if I were set on fire from the inside.
- There needn't be a comma there it should just be: "Then I experienced such an uncomfortable burning sensation deep underneath my ribs, as if I were set on fire from the inside."

Soon, as I thought it were beginning to subside, I felt the last bit of oxygen abandon my weary lungs.
- There shouldn't be a comma after soon and it should be was not were and the sentence should start with as not soon. It should look like this: "As soon as I thought it was beginning to subside, I felt the last bit of oxygen abandon my weary lungs."

If you read the sentences aloud, you'll be able to catch the grammar mistakes. Whenever there's a comma, there's a small breath, or breather. If you read the sentence the way you wrote it, it sounds like the person had been running a marathon and then started talking.

I lied in my car in that breathless state for the longest seconds anyone could ever encounter.
- I'm pretty sure it should be lay and not lied, I think it sounds better that way. "I lay in my car in that breathless state for the longest seconds anyone could ever encounter."

Every bad experience, everything I'd ever done wrong infected my mind like a starving parasite.
- I think this is my favorite line, like ever. Wow, that was just a great analogy.

I expected a flock of vultures, but to my disappointment (and its amusement) upon opening my eyes, I was greeted by a lone crow.
- I think the parantheses ruin that sentence. Maybe you should try writing it like this: "I expected a flock of vultures, but to my disappointment—and its amusement—upon opening my eyes, I was greeted by a lone crow."

I think you should get rid of the "---" at the end of the story. We're not dumb readers, we'll realize the jumping in time. And those who don't, shouldn't be reading at all then.

I remember it perfectly as if it were on a movie screen inside of my mind.
- I think it should be written like so: "I remember it perfectly, as if it were on a movie screen in my mind."

Overall

This was very good. The ending line was a nice way to end and this was an interesting way to look at things. It definitely is making me wonder what will happen when I die. I like the view and I liked the way she described her death. I wish there was someone who came back from their death to explain what it was like, but I guess I shall never really know.

This was amazing. Is that the only chapter? Wow, I have to say, that was seriously well written.