Diabolus Lacuna - Comments

This was hauntingly beautiful. Not overdone, just perfect. I loved your wording and how I could so easily imagine everything in this. Honestly, I have no criticisms for you. This was awesome.
It was dark, but so wonderful. The story idea is so different! I haven't seen one like this, and hell, I'm glad. No one else could write this as good as you could. I don't know if I'm making sense or not but you are just amazing. I love your writing. I love you. Bahahah. You're awesome. Seriously.

Have a good day.

I liked this, mucho creepy.
I saw The Devil's Diary.
It was weird but I think I liked it.

Holy crackers, man, I'm with silk on this;
I love you. :D

Your writing is so amazingly detailed it just blew my mind. This was wickedly distrubring but I could dig it, aha. :)

I wish I could leave you this huge comment telling you how amazing this is, but I can't. D: I'm speechless, woman! D: You're too fabulous.<3

Amazing Job. :)

This was no doubt amazing, like your other one shots generally are (well what I've read of them anyways)
Creepy, and i had a difficult time following what was happening to tell you the truth.
But, amazing none the less.

Story Review Game

Layout/Summary:
I like the image you used as the banner-type thing, it matches the feel of the summary and reminds me a bit of the notebook in Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets... also it reminds me a little bit of Death Note which is cool. It's a really good choice for the story, and the font you used for the title matches the writing on the notebook. I think that added a nice touch, so well done. Also the pattern for the main background is really pretty, it's kind of old-fashioned and classic looking, I really like it.
The summary was really simple, but really set the tone for the whole thing. I really love short summary's that just give away a hint at what is going to happen, so yeah I liked it. Also, the repetition works really well and makes the last line of the four very powerful.

Content:
And they said she was insane; crazy: throw her into the asylum. - I loved the opening line. It was very captivating and really drew me in, showing this would be something interesting to read.

But she wasn’t, - it might have just been me, but I think it would have read better in my opinion if it was 'but she wasn't crazy,' because for a moment I was confused as to what she wasn't. That might just be me though, so don't worry.

Burrow into her scalp and consume the decay she had become. Slither into the cavities of her mind and gorge on her sanity. - I absolutely love the descriptions you use. They're just amazing, the words you use. I think they're perfect, so well done :D

a crimson liquid staining her pale skin: her own crimson liquid. - the way you described everything in that section was amazing, but I would have loved it even more if you used a different description rather than 'crimson liquid'. It kinda makes me think of stuff like My Immortal, you know 'crying crimson tears of blood' etc. Again, that might just be me.

She needed escape. She needed quiet. She needed the fiery blaze to stop. - Again, I love the repetition, it really makes the words powerful and it really adds depth to everything.

She had given her heart to him, allowing him to tug on the strings attached at his every impulse. - I think this would have worked better if you hadn't gone so suddenly into talking about 'him' from talking about the diary. It disrupted the flow of the writing for me because it confused me slightly.

I'm not entirely sure, but I think for the dialog it should be comma's you use at the end of a sentence instead of period's. Like, instead of "And I want his teeth to rot in his mouth.” The teeth that he always displayed in a breath-snatching smile." maybe "And I want his teeth to rot in his mouth,” the teeth that he always displayed in a breath-snatching smile."
Also 'breath-snatching smile' sounds a little awkward to me.

“I want his dick to fall off, I want him to force it down his throat and choke on it and die.” - I absolutely adored this line, it really made me laugh. But again, the flow felt a little off to me, I think it would have sounded better 'force it down his on throat', but that's just my opinion.

she inhaled the stale ambience. - again, not too sure on this line.

The ending was amazing, I loved it. The story had a good twist in it, without giving too much away. I loved it, it fit with the rest of the story completely. Overall I think this story is extremely well-written and very original, but some of it could do with some editing. But well done, it was really excellent.

Story/Review Game.
Okay, I like the layout but the photo . . . is that a wallet? And I love the summary (:, at first I did think of a demon but soon afterwards I thought of [as I read the couldn’t, wouldn’t, should] I thought of some type of lust and sexual activity . . .

love me, love -> Love Me, Love Me.
Maybe?

So, the opener was like “what?” I personally think when you use “and” to start off a short story like that, it, to me, feels extremely incorrect. Because it sounds as if you’re trying to continue on with something where you left off, and it sounds weird just seeing it there . . .

Loony bin sounds sarcastic and not as serious.

But she wasn’t, it was there. She could see it, touch it, feel it writhe under her skin and devour her frame. Burrow into her scalp and consume the decay she had become. Slither into the cavities of her mind and gorge on her sanity.

I love that entire paragraph, the way you use the vocabulary and the way you use the words, you give what some other writer could write the same thing, and you give this more of an accurate and honest feel to it—almost like you make the reader in a way become the character.

I love the way you write, it’s very enticing and you use words in this that I envy, because you use words I could never think of placing in one of my stories. And the way you use the words again, imagery—very descriptive and powerful imagery. But then . . . there are moments when it feels like an ongoing storm. Because you have so much of the imagery that it almost all runs together, there is no subtle pause.

But then again, you need no pause because the way you right is lucid—it all flows together smoothly.

Okay, I read on and I think maybe I miss a part but . . . wasn’t she in a mental institute and if she were, shouldn’t she have been in a straight jacket? Or is she thinking of memories . . . while resurfaces? And the demon is male . . . I shall read on before I make further judgment (:.

Knew it! I knew it! So it’s an outer demon, and the thing she feels inside is rage?

“And what did she get? A fucking slut in her bed!”
That honestly does kill the flow I believe, I mean the question didn’t, but after it . . . it seemed to disrupt the flow ):

Well, obviously, in order for me to get this I must go read the Devil’s Diary. But! Overall, I really did like it. There were parts where the flow sorta got lost, but always after those moments, the flow would pick up. Overall, I really liked it (:.

The amount of description and feeling astounds me. You can feel the raw emotion here behind the words, you can feel her pain.

You are incredible.

I love you.

That was...awesomely creepy. I really liked it, but I will probably have some nightmares. It was worth it, though. I loved the descriptions and how deep and dark they were. At first I was, "What is she doing?" Then I kept reading and I understood. The layout was lovely. I would like to thank you for making my day interesting.

I peed a little.

Wonderfully written, dear. Great.

Just great.

Story Review Game

Layout
I love the photo you've used in your layout. As well, the dark colors seem to actually work. Normally, I hate dark layouts matched with dark fonts, but it seems to fit the theme of this story.

Prologue.
I love this. It's very...in-drawing.
Haha.

Story
But she wasn’t, it was there. She could see it, touch it, feel it writhe under her skin and devour her frame. Burrow into her scalp and consume the decay she had become. Slither into the cavities of her mind and gorge on her sanity.

This paragraph was just...everything. Seriously, just after reading this I'm ready for more. I love your imagery, it's the perfect case of description and awesomeness.

Draped along the carcass was a flimsy cloth, welding onto the being as if it were disease, ravishing the remains for each hint of life. From underneath a jutted spine was clearly visible, protruding sickeningly from her coat.

Hollow, vacant orbs were sunk into the skin, concealed by translucent eyelids. Faint, incoherent murmurs drifted from quivering, cracked lips. She lifted her gaze as well as her fingertips heavenward, a crimson liquid staining her pale skin: her own crimson liquid.

I lied. This was everything. It's so grotesque. The way it's written is perfect. It doesn't just tell us that this girl is gross looking, it actually shows which apparently is hard to do for some authors. So seriously, you just win.

Wen she was innocent, when she was normal. When she was innocent,

A happy little girl, she was. An innocent little girl, she was. A living little girl, she was. I loved the repetition of she was in this sentence. Perfecto.

her attention was seized by a sleek, black notebook. This is phrased kind of awkwardly. Maybe put a sleek, black notebook seized her attention?

Overall, this was incredible. I love the whole demonic feel of it. Seriously, I've never read a story on here where someone can pull this off. There's a lot of stories like this, where it has to deal with demons or satanic rituals, etc. But seriously, you pulled it off very well.

I hope this sufficed as a review. >.<

Story Review Game

Title:
The title is interesting, and from what I can translate it means, "The Word of the Devil," which is highly interesting. However, if I didn't know a bit of Latin, this title might intimidate me a bit, haha. But overall I think it's nice and I like how it ties in with the story well.

Layout:
I personally love the layout, it looks nice. The background is very pretty and kind of rich looking, but the colors fit the tone of the story. The banner is really fitting and the picture works extremely well with the plot. The font chosen in the banner looks very nice as well and fits the dark vibes you get from the story. However, the bright red for the links and chapter title really, really irk me. They just don't fit in well at all and the color is really harsh with the tones of this layout. It just doesn't flow with the rest of it.

Summary:
I'm not really a fan of the summary. Usually, I like a bit of more info in the summary, so I know a small basic idea on what to expect. However, this summary just throws me off guard and kind of turns me off from the rest of the story and makes me want to click the back button. I don't like how big the text is in the summary either, because it looks sloppy the way the lines overlap each other. And the fact that there is quotations around it isn't too nice, seeing as if it was a quote, I'd like to know who said it.

Story:

And they said she was insane; crazy: throw her into the loony bin.
The opening line attracts the reader and it attracted me, making me want to read more about this girl. Usually, you aren't supposed to begin with "and," but I feel it works well here because it makes the story seem like a continuation of a previous event. That is nice to have because it already has the reader's imagination going wild with what could be going on.

There is an overuse of semi-colons in the second paragraph, I feel. I think they would be much better suited as commas.

Mock radiance poured from the artificial lights overhead, illuminating the pale walls with imaginary brilliance. The radiance was dim, seemingly a few heartbeats away from looking like shadows. In one of the obscured corners of the room, crouched a silhouette. The figure was eveloped in a grey coat, stretching rigid against a skeleton, the pigment suggesting that it had been skin prior to defection
To be honest, this entire paragraph confuses the crud out of me. There is just an over-abundance of unfitting adjectives and it creates a really pixelated and jumbled mental image for me. I guess I just don't understand why the words "mock" and "imaginary" were used to describe light. It just is way weird and unfitting.
Also, how can a silhouette be in a obscured corner of a room? Obscured means dark or dim, but in order to make a silhouette, you need a bright light behind a person or thing...?
Eveloped? Did you mean enveloped*?

As the story goes on, it gets easier to understand. It is really dark and interesting how you've made the female character in this and the description used to describe her movements and just simply herself and really fitting and create a clear and good mental image.

She needed escape. She needed quiet. She needed the fiery blaze to stop.
I like how you gave these sentences their own line. They are the three sentences that point out plain and simple that she didn't want to be in the place she was in and that she was trying to escape. It also ties in with the opening sentence, telling us that she had been put in the "loony bin" against her own will.

I feel the transition to the happy girl walking in the park was weak and confusing. I had no clue what just happened and it took me a while to figure out that it was a flashback -a different setting. As I read, I saw that the story jumped abruptly more than once, only the song lyrics to help ease the transition. This I find can be done more neatly, to ease the reader of confusion.

However, I do like the detail and narration in the new setting. I like how this gives you a hint of the girl's past and tells you a little bit about her life before she was placed into "the loony bin." It makes the reader more interested in what is going on and it twinges curiosity. You want to know how a girl so carefree and normal would end up being deemed insane.

Her heart began beating irregularly, pounding against the bones.
Starting with this sentence, you already get the feel that something bad has happened and with the later detail of anger, you almost feel the girl's pain. It is remarkable how well the emotion is described and that is something not many authors can pull off.

...the salty droplets racing down the sides of her cheeks akin to waterfalls.
Did you mean skin*?

Moving on, I love the description on how she loved him. The way you described it with him pulling her heartstrings made it believable and the reader can relate to the little displays of someone they truly love and cherish. It's good to have something to relate to in this story of insanity and madness.

I love her little revenge sequence. It is brutal and gory, but I love how passionate she is about this happening to Tyler. It helps show just how much pain was caused by his cheating actions and shows the reader how much she really once loved him, seeing as she was so pained by this incident that she would wish these bad things upon him. It also adds a twinge of humor in this dark story, the "dick" part that everyone seems to chuckle at.

The ending paragraphs return to the dark and twisted girl we met in the beginning. Once again, the darkness consumes the reader and you see just how messed up this girl has become, but now we know why. With her previous flashbacks, we finally have the answer to question we've been asking ourselves: why is she in there?

Having the answer to the question at the end rather than at the beginning was something that was done really well, because without that, the reader wouldn't have been so interested. But you managed to keep the interest alive with the set up of this story.

A cursed girl, she was. A damned girl, she was. A dead girl, she was.
This ending line is very fitting and it adds a nice twist to the line that was similar to this in the beginning. It helps truly describe how twisted she's become and it wraps the story up nicely.

Overall:
Overall the story was very complex yet intriguing and kept my interest. The dark plot you've showed us really gives the reader a vibe that will stick with them for awhile.

However, I can't help but notice that this story follows pretty much the exact same plot as the movie Devil's Diary. The general basis for each is pretty much the exact same and that really bugs me. I feel that if this movie is what gave you inspiration for this story, then you can at least note that in your summary or author's note because that would be the right thing to do and it would respect the writers for Devil's Diary, even if they never know of this story's existence.

Also, I find the song lyrics used unfitting and they kind of threw me off.

Good job on this story.

I really like your layout to start off with however the large pictures on the background sway me at first to be distracted from your main picture. Otherwise it’s gorgeous. Your beginning summary is intriguing.

Chapter title simple, yet meaningful.

But she wasn’t, it was there. She could see it; touch it; feel it writhe under her skin and devour her frame. Burrow into her scalp and consume the decay she had become. Slither into the cavities of her mind and gorge on her sanity.

I like the emotion in this paragraph it sounds as if the character might have a mental disease, but also that she may be seeing things.

Even though it didn’t hold any sort of beauty, and gave a dreary impression with the raven cover, she couldn’t fathom why someone would abandon the book.

Great detail, I would also have the peaked curiosity to pick up this diary. You can relate to the character in this story through out the next paragraphs.

Flashes of red intruded her fragile thoughts, body quivering. Trembling fingers continued to bleed and scrape the wood, but the homicidal tickle would not leave. Her fingers itched to pick up the pen and write, write as her heart desired. The throbbing sensation was all too familiar.

This is by far my favorite part of this story, as does every woman she feels scorned perhaps? I could be wrong. I like how descriptive you are, how her emotions are played out throughout the entire chapter and yet the end somehow explains it all.

I didn’t see any grammatical errors, that’s a plus. I will be subscribing to this.

I liked it. It was very..dark, maybe eerie. You could feel the emotion surging from it. You had amazing description, it was really..there.

“I want his dick to fall off, and I want him to force it down his throat and choke on it and die.” – This made me giggle a little. I thought it could have been written like this: to force it down his throat, choke on it, and die. Maybe not, but I just felt like it was too much with the other and. You know?

For the ending, I don't know if I liked it or loved it. Actually I liked not the last sentence but the sentence before it, that was good.

I don't like the overuse of ";" in the beginning of the story.

The figure was coated with a grey covering, stretching rigid against a skeleton, the pigment suggesting that it had been skin prior to defection.
- I didn't like the word "covering" in that sentence. It just felt out of place somehow.

Another shudder rippled through her corpse and her bones scraped along one another in protest.
- The word "corpse" is... well, in my opinion wrong to use. A corpse is literally a dead body, and though she might've felt dead, or whatever, she literally wasn't so I didn't like the use of the word.

A live little girl, she was.
- I'm not sure... it doesn't feel right to me. "an alive" or "a living" is what I'd put there. But that's just me.

Overall it was good. I got the feeling you were trying a bit too hard, so it didn't particularly fall into my taste, but it's not bad by all means. :)

Layout: I loved the background! It wasn't overly distracting or hard to read, but it was still something pretty and it went with the feel off the story. I also loved the banner, which I imagine was the inspiration for the story.

Summary: Though the summary was short and didn't really tell me what was going to happen in the story, it was certainly enough to get me interested and pull me in.

Chapter One:

First of, let me say, I didn't notice any typos. They may be there and I just missed them, but I kind of doubt it. So let me be the first to congratulate you on that. It's very hard to avoid making any mistakes as all, even as the best writer out there.

Secondly, I love the feel of this story. The tone is so... dark, disturbing, yet it captivated you. You pulled this off very very very well, and I definitely think you should have way more recognition and love on this story. This is incredibly awesome. I believe you could probably get this published in a magazine or something.

Thirdly, favorite lines:
"But she wasn’t, it was there. She could see it; touch it; feel it writhe under her skin and devour her frame. Burrow into her scalp and consume the decay."

"And she drowned herself in those promises on that day."

"An ugly tramp tangled within his sheets, reeking of cigarettes and sex; hickeys decorating her neck and a pleased smile on her lips." I loved this description.

“And lastly,” she breathed out, scribbling it onto the page as she spoke. “I want his dick to fall off, and I want him to force it down his throat and choke on it and die.” This made me laugh.

"And it was that day, that moment, that she was devoured by the words; engulfed by the false promises; consumed by the curse that infected her being and mingled with her blood."

"A cursed girl, she was. A damned girl, she was. A dead girl, she was.

Yet she could still hear the demon whisper his sweet promises into her ear."

Finally, I'd like to comment on the originality. I've never read a story quite like this one before, and that in itself made the story awesome. It was eerie and creepy, yet I couldn't stop reading it. Please, keep up with this kinda stuff, write more like this.

I just can't get over how amazing this is. Honestly. Gah.

Just. Wow. I don't think there are other words for this.
The emotion and description couldn't have been better.
Your writing style is amazing.

Hot damn! This was amazing, in a dark way. Like a dark fairy tale.
I could feel this raw emotion. It was amazing.
This song will never be the same to me. o.O

Damn dude. This was insanely distubring and almost beautiful in a way. Amazing job expressing emotion, and the details were absolutely fantastic. I love this to death.

That was beyond creepy, but so amazing. I won't be able to listen to that song the same again. The way you used the words and enotions was just incredible. I loved it.

O_O
I'm shivering. Seriously. That was one of the most AMAZING stories that I've ever read, the words really painted the picture of the story. You left enough loose ends to keep me wondering but it kept the story interesting and just...
Now I'm scared!! *hides under covers*