Diabolus Lacuna - Comments

I really liked the banner and background picture. The summary really complimented them both. My first impression about this story was the dark feeling I got, like Angels and demons and some satanic vibe going on. The little black book, I’m not sure if the writing on the book has anything to do with the story, but if so, I’ll like to see where you have taken this one-shot. I also loved the story’s title because I have no idea what both of those words mean, and it made me wanted to read and find out more.

The first part of this story has great imagery; I felt the melancholy atmosphere around this woman, but you have some awkward wording that made it hard for me to understand what was happening. I just realized that this is a song fiction related story, and maybe the title has something to do with it.

“Draping along the carcass was a flimsy cloth, welding onto the being as if it were disease. From underneath a jutted spine was clearly visible, sickeningly protruding from her coat.” – I thought this was my favorite paragraph from the entire story. There’s so much going on at once, I had to re-read to understand some things. You have very thick descriptions, and I never thought I would have to say that to anyone because I love thick descriptive stories, I write them myself, but at time, I got lost in your words, and it wasn’t good. But you do have a great way of describing what’s going on around your characters, so well done on that aspect.

The woman, to me, seemed like a vampire or something that’s not human. You described her body so well and don’t get me wrong, I think your imagery is beautiful, but you do have some awkward sentences that just need some revising. Anyway, back to this woman, from the way you are describing, I thought she was trapped somewhere and wanted to get out.

“Through the flashes of orange and yellow hues, her attention was seized by a sleek, black notebook. The leather-bound diary lay discarded between piles of leaves, beckoning her with silent cries. She obliged.” — There’s that little black book I talked about earlier. I liked that you didn’t give us any names yet, leaving that suspenseful feeling behind. But I’m a little confused about the characters, so far there’s two, a woman you talked about in the beginning and the girl with the notebook. I just don’t want to mix them up.

“Even though it didn’t hold any sort of beauty, and gave a dreary impression with the raven cover, she couldn’t fathom why someone would abandon the book.” — I thought this sentence showed how innocent the girl was. The book must be of some importance. This character reminded me of Frodo from Lord of the Rings, and how he was so determined to get rid of the ring, but the struggle he had on his journey. From the sentence above, to me seemed like her finding the book was like her destiny.

A magic notebook, that’s cute, I had a feeling something about that little black book was special. A notebook genie. I thought the part about her thinking what to write in the notebook was intense. I’m guessing she wanted a guy that cheated on her to be happy, and I was a little confused about that — at first. Her actions showed a lot about her character as well. And I take that back as I read on she’s a vicious little thing, but her emotion was realistic, her pain was very evident.

“And lastly,” she breathed out, scribbling it onto the page as she spoke. “I want his dick to fall off, and I want him to force it down his throat and choke on it and die.” —

The middle and end parts were very good. It was better than the beginning and it kept me very entertained. Her fingers itched to pick up the pen and write, write as her heart desired. The throbbing sensation was all too familiar. — You have a mistake in verb usage here, I think it should be picked up the pen and wrote, wrote as her heart desired.

Overall, I thought this was very good, the imagery, like I said before was outstanding and I don’t think I’ve read anything better. But there were some bad things as well that need some fixing in this story. You captured the mundane part of the story with the characters and all, but I wished you used some names instead of “she” a lot and since there were two characters both females it was confusing at times. I felt as if you were all over the place, and I couldn’t really grasp where the characters were.

Good job, keep writing.

Wow. This was really... different. I loved it.

Wow.
That was really, really good.
The descriptions were amazing.

Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me...I had to after reading the chapter name.

Mock radiance poured from the artificial lights overhead, illuminating the pale walls with imaginary brilliance. - I adore this line. You're really amazing with descriptions, and I envy you for that XD

She had given her heart to him, allowed him to tug on the strings attached at his every impulse. - Another line that stuck out to me.

And what did she get? A fucking slut in his bed. - Isn't that the way it always goes?

Wow, this was totally dark and twisted and amazing! I got a little confused on some of the parts, but overall it was great. I'm pretty sure I've told you this before, but you have serious talent.

You should write darker stuff more often, you can definitely pull it off.

“And lastly,” she breathed out, scribbling it onto the page as she spoke. “I want his dick to fall off, and I want him to force it down his throat and choke on it and die.” LMFAO. I never use chat speak but oh my fucking God, that's funny as hell. Choke on a dick. Hope it's a chode, I hear the longer ones are rather hard to digest...:|

XD

Anyways, you did an amazing job on this, really. You use a lot of description, and while it's very deep and all, maybe a little too much here and there. At times I was lost as to what the girl was doing. But other than that, I have to say it's one of my favorite pieces you've done!

I make it sound like art work. Shit. >.>
<3

First off, I just absolutely adore the layout. I'm not sure why.
Moving on - this was kind of creepy, I'm not even going to lie.
However, I really like your writing. This is definitely one of my favorite things I've read it in awhile. :)

Damn.
That was deep, and sort of sick.
I liked it. ;D
It kept making me sing Gwen Stafani though. xD