Poisoned - Comments

I'm at a loss! This is so emotional and impacting that I honestly can't get my thoughts straight. It's not quite a tragedy in the traditional sense, but rather the tragedy of knowing this happens everyday and that it will just continue until someone truly breaks.

What affected me the most was how realistic the insight into how an abuser might think was. It was a believable concept that actually left me feeling bad for the both of them, because he is clearly sick and she is obviously being treated terribly because of his problem. I especially loved that you described his mental state as being poisonous and intoxicated. This is so true.

The story itself is an absolutely beautiful piece on such a dark topic. It blew me away. xx poison

It was easier this way; to accept the lies then fight for the truth. I quite like that line; it's little details like that that help show how his mind has been corrupted. Overall I liked this, and think you did a interesting job of capturing the mindset of the abuser.

Your description of the events from the abusers point of view is fantastic. Most people cannot write from the point of view of the abuser successfully, at least as far as I have read. The way he is torn, especially how he refers to his 'poison' adds an even better effect on the story. It shows him not being completely heartless, but trapped between what he is and what he wants to be.

For some reason, this reminded me of how my mom and her boyfriend used to act. He was a horrible man, and I'm glad my mom left him.
The girl in the story should've left him. No one should go through that.

This was great. Just wonderful. I'm really happy that I read this. You used so much description. You captured the feelings perfectly. This drew me in and kept me until the end.

Great work!

Wow. This was honestly just amazing. I really really liked it. You are such a talented writer, this just really captured everything. I loved it!! Really good job!!!

This was just-wow. Really, really powerful. I cringed throughout a few lines. I'm not sure how many abusers' thoughts are similar, knowing they're wrong but continuing the behavior anyway, but a different perspective was nice. Keep up the good work(:

The font is a bit too small, I had to squint to be able to read it, until I finally clicked "default layout". The concept had potential, but it didn't really touch me. It felt a bit forced in places, and I got distracted by the grammar rules you kept breaking. It ruined the flow a bit, to be honest. And one thing confused me;

"I-I' stare a-at another man? I'd n-never d-d-do that to you." She stuttered.
- However he never mentioned anything about her staring at other men. He just said she couldn't keep her eyes to herself, that could mean a lot of things. It's a pretty long leap, it makes me wonder how she could so instantly jump there.

Also, whenever dialogue is followed by I/he/she/they/we/etc said/shouted/stuttered/cried/whispered/ etc - the sentence does not come to a full stop. So it should be ended with a comma, and not a period. Even when it ends with an exclamation mark or a question mark, you should not capitalize the following word (unless it's a name or "I" of course).

So "I-I' stare a-at another man? I'd n-never d-d-do that to you." She stuttered. is incorrect.

It should actually be;
"I-I' stare a-at another man? I'd n-never d-d-do that to you," she stuttered.

A few more examples;

"What do you want?" he asked me.

"I don't know!" she screamed.

"I'm not sure about this," I said slowly.

So yeah, once you've edited the grammar mistakes I'm sure it'll flow better.

I was intrigued. I think it was a brave choice to portray the "bad guy", but I definitely appreciate it. Not many people understand that a lot of violent men and women do feel guilty for it. They aren't all just sociopaths. Really good job. =]

That was extremely good, I really loved it. Its very descriptive and deep inside a tormented person's mind. Not too many people can portray that kind of thing. Props =)

-Katie

This was very well written and thought out. I love how when he's thinking his 'poison' speaks back to him. This was simply amazing, one of the best things I've read in a long while. You're a very talented writer.

Interesting perspective. Very well brought out creativity shines through the darkened words. Good job.

wow wow wow wow
amaaazing :D
saaad :(
but still amaaazing!

Oh, you did an amazing job on this. Great job, very well-written.

this is really shocking.
it almost made me cry. D:
it was that amazing and well written.
good job (:

This is amazing. I've always wondered what goes on in an abuser's mind and this is really just magnificent. I know some aren't like that. Some just like to hit but this is still amazing.