I promised you I would read it, so I figured I had better comment, too. First things first, I think double spacing would ease it up a bit on my eyes (See #4) That aside, I think, from the very short conversation I had with you and now from reading this that we are two very different persons. But I'll try to put the prejudice a little asida here.
I think you write very well. The swap you had between first person and third person worked fairly well - I don't think you had needed to point the change out, though. But that's personal preferrence. The way you have incorporated the lyrics of the song is very well done. It shows just how closely the story relates to the lyrics. Lance with family confused me a bit - I would have liked a little introduction as to who they were. I'm guessing he must be her uncle (looking at the surnames in the last part)? The dates in the end freaked me out - because they lie in the future - but in a good way. That's a touch I really like.
Over all I think the story is very well carried out, even if it is not quite my cup of tea ^^;
First things first, I think double spacing would ease it up a bit on my eyes (See #4)
That aside, I think, from the very short conversation I had with you and now from reading this that we are two very different persons. But I'll try to put the prejudice a little asida here.
I think you write very well. The swap you had between first person and third person worked fairly well - I don't think you had needed to point the change out, though. But that's personal preferrence.
The way you have incorporated the lyrics of the song is very well done. It shows just how closely the story relates to the lyrics.
Lance with family confused me a bit - I would have liked a little introduction as to who they were. I'm guessing he must be her uncle (looking at the surnames in the last part)?
The dates in the end freaked me out - because they lie in the future - but in a good way. That's a touch I really like.
Over all I think the story is very well carried out, even if it is not quite my cup of tea ^^;