August 8th, 2010 at 07:46am
One Shot for One Shot:
I really like the tone to this story. It hints at something negative throughout but its not overly dramatic. There's a great sense of character here too, I really got a feel for the dynamics of their relationship, and it seems a really sweet one. The sentimentality of the bed was nice too- how she kept going back to it.
I felt that the ending was rather sudden but I think that's what you were going for? In a way it does seem to reflect the character's reaction- the fact that she's suddenly hit with this news when previously she had hoped he'd be back. The repeated reference to him not calling helped to show her insecurity though and I like that you kept it subtle rather than outright saying it. And I think not including what was said in the letter kept it more interesting- and including the letter could have lessened the impact some.
One criticism I do have is that, in the opening, you use quite a few adjectives which came off as kind of list-like. And I think there are other ways to describe the character and objects that would be more of a benefit to the story.
Overall it was done well though.
Your style of writing is simply superb. The story just flows perfectly throughout the piece and it was enjoyable to read.
I think that some of the descriptions were fuzzy though, and could use some touch ups.
The ending was a bit weird, but I liked it in a weird way
I think this was a pretty well-written one-shot and I liked it.
Good job.