Flames - Comments

Good god this was heartbreaking, but amazing at the same time.
My only complaint is the layout, it's too bright for my sensitive eyes xD
But really, amazing one-shot c:

This was amazing.
I loved it.

Flames Review

Summary

The summary is kind of vague, but I like it, though the way you phrased the first two sentences is sort of awkward to me. I love the image you used for the banner, though; it’s beautiful, and from what the summary tells me, I can sort of pull it into the story even though I haven’t yet started reading.

Chapter

Marie stood in the kitchen of her small home. She mindlessly prepared a dinner for three, paying more attention to the news blaring from the living room than the chicken spinning in the rotisserie oven. Picking up a spoon to stir butter into the corn on her stove, she sighed at a story some reporter was announcing.
I like how you put the first paragraph, especially how you gave possession of the kitchen by saying her stove to Marie; it makes me think that’s where she’s comfortable and loves to be, and shows a bit of character depth. It makes me think more about the story.

The four and seven year old boys were found nearly twenty-four hours later at their fathers house.
There should be an apostrophe in fathers, making it father’s.

Upon opening the door, she was greeted by her excited daughter and weary husband.
I like how you described her husband and daughter with adjectives like this; again, you gave depth to your characters and made them more relatable to me as a reader. I’ll say here also how much I enjoy how you had Marie reply back to the TV reporter throughout the report even though it quite obviously cannot respond back to her; it’s something most people I know do, and it made the story quite realistic.

Marie took out a large plate to set the poultry on and a knife for her husband to use to slice it into meal sized portions.
There should be a dash between meal and sized, making it meal-sized. ^_^

I wont have to go away for this one either, sugar.
Wont should have an apostrophe, making it won’t.

“But Nathan-” Marie began but Nathan cut her off by crashing his lips onto hers for a brief second.
I can’t say I think the kiss makes sense in this sentence, especially since the fire alarm is beeping and their daughter is in danger, but I can understand the need for a brief amount of it, since Marie and Nate had previously been shown to be flirty and loving with one another. I don’t think the kiss detracts from the story’s content, though. ^_^

Marie never saw Nathan and Anna emerge from the burning building.
I loved this sentence the most; it may, perhaps, be my favorite sentence in the entire story. It’s emotional, it’s raw, and it shows exactly what the whole story has been building up to. You chose an excellent way of wording this.

I thought the suicide scene was written way too rapidly at the end. The content itself was good, with the exception of how you compared her body to a weary Christmas ornament. Perhaps this is only my opinion, though. I just think it should have taken a few more paragraphs and a little bit more detail to make the scene as good as it has potential to be. ^_^

Well I like the last paragraph. Especially the last sentence. You used very good descriptive words and I'm glad it's a 'family love' not just another 'couple relationship'. It would've been better if you described and depicted more of the fire. But eh. It was still really good. Neatly done and good luck with the contest.

That broke my heart </3.
I loved all the detail in the beginning.

I think it was very well written.
Good Job. (: