We're Headed for Heartbreak - Comments

That chapter was not bad. I liked it very much. Good Job!

I like thisss! Keeep the chapters coming. loll I really need to write more in my books. /:

sorry if the comment is overwhelmingly long. i personally love really long comments and since this is a rare occasion in which i have the time to write a long comment, i took advantage of that. lol. i probably won't be able to do that a lot though.

well you already know that i like this so far so i'm not going to bother with too many pleasantries and jump right into some little critiques.

"Sam thought Why is Dean in my bed?" Okay this is me nitpicking but I feel like you could make it sound a little more Sam-like. Like either just be "What the hell?" or "What the hell is Dean doing in my bed?" I don't know, I feel like that just makes it seem more real.

I love Kayla the waitress flirting with Sam. People don't flirt with him enough. It's always Dean so that was nice. It made me smile. :)

Another minor thing, you change tenses here: "He knew he had sex appeal, but none of the girls ever grabbed his attention quite like Jess did. He only feels [FELT] a twinge of guilt now at her name. He's [HE'D] gotten to the point where he can [COULD] say it and hear it, and not break down crying. He ate his breakfast in silence, still smiling to himself, and called the waitress over." You go from past to present and back to past.

I like this bit: "he walked out the door to the Impala. He started Dean's baby and roared out of the parking lot." :P The Impala really is Dean's baby.

Once again, nitpicking here but the mibba editors will hunt you down if they notice things like this: ""Hey, Ellen, it's me, Sam. .....We're fine, we're in Addison, Wisconsin........Well, we're kinda at a dead end, can't find any leads. We thought you might have something for us.......Awesome, I'll check it out. Just email it to me.........Yeah, I'll call you back. Alright, thanks, Ellen." Sam hung up the phone."

Excessive use of punctuation can get your story a warning. I would just put the regular three or four periods between breaks in speech or actually spell it out once in a while.
Like "We thought you might have something for us." Sam paused at Ellen's reply. "Awesome..."

And yet more nitpicking. Here I think this sentence is excessive

"He'd been dreaming about Dad's "funeral"."

when in the next part you explain it all.

""What were you dreaming about anyways? You looked pretty upset over whatever it was...."Dean asked, packing his stuff.

".........Dad's body, burning....." Sam whispered, hoping Dean wouldn't hear him, but the infamous Winchester luck never ceased to fail him. Dean heard it."

That's one of the things about honing skills as a writer, you never tell when you can show. And you've done both here. And showing what the dream was about through the dialogue and Sam's fear that Dean would actually what he said is enough.

Anyway, keep up the good work. Me likey. :)

Side note:
Mehhhh. I soooo need to work on Forgotten. >.<

I like this so far. I can't wait to read more of it. :)

I like this. Don't think it's not gonna be good, becuase you'll akways have atleast one fan...me (:
Great story, can't wait for more.

hey, i like short chapters and i like this so far. :) my one criticism would be this line: "It's okay. It's just a dream. Dean's here."

I'd say replace the word "Dean" with "I'm". Otherwise it sounds kind of odd, and to be honest, slightly creepy. lol.

and my friend read it with me and one of her pet peeves is when people always call sam 'sammy'. i think alternating would make it flow a little better. plus sammy is generally reserved for dialogue. it's dean's nickname for his baby bwothah. :) lol.

very nice. <3