The Ruby Room - Comments

Story/Review Game.
I like the summary with just the two lines, I don’t know why it just seems dark and mystifying almost. So hopefully that’s what this story leads on?

Jason wants to be a bad boy, I assume.

. . . . On his twenty-fifth birthday he bought his first “motorcycle” . . . which is a red Honda? Honda’s made motorcycles now? Or does he think a car is a motorcycle . . . maybe I should read on. Okay so the red Honda is a motorcycle.

As I’m reading along though I feel as if you could fill in some gaps, especially the whole “tied down” thing—was it cause of living with his parents, college . . . jail? Because when you say “tied down” and the way you refer to his freedom and such, I almost feel like he may’ve been to prison before?

But there is one thing I really did love, this sentence sorta gave excellent imagery to my mind without needing much of it. And it had some type of feeling, a desperate feeling I could feel inside my head . . . and also the thought that Jason was happy to be free now:
“ And maybe that was also why Jason had bought a new leather jacket just days before he planned to ride into the city of Oakland; the place he was hoping to soon be able to call home.”

I get a body feeling, maybe cause I’m just a big old worry-wart, but I feel like [and I know on motorcycles they can go super fast] but I just feel like with how fast you presume him to be going, I almost have a hunch something bad is going to happen . . . like he’s going to crash because he’s being so careless or that the thought of being free is just alleviating his mind or maybe it’s just cause he’s going really fast . . . even though on a motorcycle that’s normal.

All that mattered was what lied ahead
That doesn’t sound right, “lied”, maybe the word “lay” would fit better? Because I feel like in my mind “lay” puts more a complete . . . thought or it just makes that sentence feel more complete without ruining the vibe you’re giving off—which is some anxiety and excitement (:.

I read the rest of it, and I find the ending quite sad because he was so excited to get to Oakland and find a home for himself, only to realize he had to go elsewhere—that this place wasn’t for him.

Almost like he felt he didn’t belong anywhere.

But I liked this a lot because you give off great emotions through your words, it’s almost like the way you use the words and the way you give it a certain emotion gives it imagery—that’s how I feel at least.

The only thing I find difficult, is the red font against the black ):. But other than that, I really liked this (:.

I loved this. So great. You really nail descriptions, Chels and I always enjoy reading your stuff.
This was flawless. No errors. The mood stayed the same throughout. I could really get in Jason's head.
It was a great idea too. Now I want Jason to make an introduction in The Ruby Room.

Story Review game.

I'm sorry if the review is going to be short, since as far as grammar and puncuation goes there are no mistakes at all.

As for the summary, it was very mystic, I liked it, but, only after I read it I could understand what it was about. But a lot of people put a mystic quote as a summary, and it works so no problems there ;)

Interesting one-shot. I was actually surprised it was a one-shot. To me it looked like an intro to something that could become a really cool story. I liked how the character thought to himself while he was passing the signs 'Oakland -10 miles'. I really liked that.

You described the scenes well, especially the ruby room; I could picture everything. It had a really mysterious atmoshere, which was great.

If you want suggestions on how you could have made it different, I would have liked seeing a bit more of the character's backround. You mention that he finally felt free, that he had no real connections with his previous home, but what was it exactly that he finally felt free from? Why did he want to be 'the guy'? Since it's a one-shot, maybe a little more information would have made it more complete.

But those are just suggestions, I really liked it and I think the writting was great =D

Story Review Game
I had to switch to default layout to read this because of how dark it was.

I like the title, it reminds me of those games like The Crimson Room, etc.

When he was young, Jason liked to fantasize about being “that guy.” He wanted to be the mysterious new guy in town who rode in on a flashy motorcycle and shiny leather jacket. The guy who everyone’s eyes were locked on the moment he took off his helmet, which would of course be adorned with a tinted glass visor and hot rod flames on the sides. He’d enter a room and have everyone transfixed, wondering who he was and where he came from. It’d be just like the movies; a sort of modern-day western. Lord knows, I'd like this 'guy'. If he ever comes into town let me know. XD

There were no grammar issues in this, so yay for you.

Your descriptions were flawless. You've got an exquisite way of setting the scene and describing the characters. You did excellent at not over describing but also not over telling. There was that perfect balance of description and action. So brava for that.

The motorcycle bit totally reminded me of Grease 2, no idea why it just did.

I'm sorry this isn't the best of reviews but I can't really think of anything to help you with. It was that good.