Small Change - Comments

Can you finish this by CHristmas?
xx

I just love the way you write; tense and sexy, almost. Your words and phrases seem coiled, ready to spring to life at any given moment. The story has a grungy, urban feel to it that completely suits the narration; it's a dark story about dark people. The narrator himself offers a fascinating view to his world, a distinctive sort of social commentary drenched in a liberal dose of alcohol and hard times. And, I have to say, I loved the little bit of Spanish you put in there (I just love it when people work other languages into their stories, no matter if it's just a phrase or two). This is brilliant, and a definite gem among coal on Mibba.

Chapter One:

I thought your layout and summary was beautiful and created this tone all on its own. The summary said enough to peak my interest. I’m not familiar with who Tom Waits is, and I read your profile and he seemed like a wise man, but im fascinated none the less, even though this person is a stranger to me. Tom Traubert is your version of Tom Waits im guessing.

You started off strong by showing how sad Tom really was in his life. The imagery was fitted and morose, it complimented what Tom was thinking and felt about himself. From the beginning, we see Tom as broken and confused and isn’t really connected with his life or reality in general. That was great. So far, I like the way you’ve written this. The one liners put emphasize on the important stuff and not just there for the fun of it or trying to be different. They had a purpose for Tom’s thoughts (the narration), and you showing that was nice.

The Spanish in this brought so much authenticity to the setting, even for awhile. I enjoyed the beginning parts before Tom went into describing how he killed Jim. So far, this is intense and mysterious and you kept the readers in depth with this Tom character. There’s a lot about his character that’s being said, like when he mentioned he killed Jim, he didn’t seem like a person who would ever do something like that, and it took me by surprise, even though I didn’t know much about him yet. A man with a dirty secret, I love that. Also, I thought that maybe Tom is a fugitive and that’s why he went to Mexico.

I thought Tom and Jim’s relationship seemed strong, they seemed like good friends, and when they talked, I thought you captured that time period well. However, I thought some of Tom’s dialogue was hard to understand and confusing on figuring who was doing the talking, but I thought the way you did it was nice. I just had to go back and re-read those parts. But, Tom murdering Jim, I automatically thought about it was over money or gambling because of the horses, I’m really interested in why he killed his friend it seemed like apparently. So far, the way you’ve written this story, it reminds me of the show Cold Case. And that’s pretty good.

All the anger had burned out of him and was now replaced with a slack sense of terror that he'd never felt before. Tom couldn't breathe.

I didn’t see that coming at all, and I couldn’t stop reading. I thought the actions of each character was beautifully written, and I wasn’t lost within the words. The simplicity of your descriptions was good enough to paint the picture. You didn’t overdo that scene, which was very important and I really liked that. But the last line in that sentence told a lot about Tom, I thought. It showed how scared he was. It’s heartbreaking to kill someone when drunk, because drunk people don’t know what they’re doing at the moment, and it seemed like a reaction to something he didn’t want to hear, even though somewhere deep down, he knew Jim was telling the truth.

What I thought was interesting was the fact that Tom is still drinking. I felt that he still had skeletons in his closet and even the drinking still brought them back.

There lay Jim, his best friend in the entire world, with his stupid silver hair that he was so proud of and his lanky fingers and arms and legs and that stupid leather jacket that he wore all the time ripped where Tom had grabbed him...

I liked this line the most out of the entire story because I liked that everything was rushed. I pictured as if someone was talking really fast...I pictured someone having a panic attack and talking at the same time. I thought the absentness of comma’s was a nice touch to the situation and worked well.

Overall for chapter one:
I enjoyed this, really I did. I’m glad this was original fiction because I don’t see that a lot on mibba. I thought you captured the first chapter gracefully, and how you got the point across. So, I guess your goal was reached about rushing this, but in a good way. I thought the transactions between screens were handled well and kept me to par with the characters in the story, even though there was only two important ones. I thought the important stuff was proudly said and clear. I thought this was rushed, the good rush that made things run smoothly for readers. The only negative thing about this, I felt needed more clarification was the dialogue parts between Tom and Jim, like I’ve said before. But once again, I loved the simplicity of this and your descriptions were beautiful and helped me visioned what this story was really made of. So far, I think you’re doing a great job with the writing style and content. I think there’s nothing to be worried about.

Chapter Two:

He didn't sleep anymore. He couldn't. There was just too much in the night. The dark was too thick and held too much of the unknown.

What a way to introduce a chapter. I thought this was such a beautiful description of what darkness is and how people perceive it as to be.

The narration in this chapter was sad, it showed how much the killing of Jim affected him. You described Tom’s feelings in a way where your readers want to feel sorry for him, you made us forget that he just killed a man, and not just any man, his best friend. There’s so much pain we forget that fact.

He wondered if you could get cigarettes in jail. He thought so. At least, all the men in jail in the movies got cigarettes.

I thought the “you” was kind of a distraction, I don’t know why, but I did. Maybe something like this, He wondered if it was easy to or He wondered if cigarettes were offered. My personal suggestions.

The ending part that showed what Tom thought, was bittersweet. I know the next chapter is going to be nice because that’s when Tom discovers the blues in New Orleans, I’m guessing, but apart of me wants Tom to get redemption and the other justice for killing his friend.

Overall of second cahpter:
This chapter represented something like the clam after the storm, but not really in a way. It showed how a simple man lived a life of guilt, struggle and on the run from this past, but not really. I thought you worked a lot of aspects of regret in this and Tom as a character is developing rather nicely. There wasn’t anything that bugged me to pieces in this story, so well done with that. This is really starting to become a nice novel. Good luck with the rest of it in the future. And if you need help with anything else, don’t be afraid to ask. :)

Story Review Game - Chapter One

I liked the beginning paragraph of the summary, most definitely. Actually, I liked the entire summary now that I think about it. It definitely draws your readers in - giving them hints of what’s to come (without giving away the plot) and keeping the important stuff a mystery.

A tangle of Mariachi music wrapped around Tom…
- I’ve never seen anyone describe music like that - as a tangle that wraps around someone. It sounds so amazing. And as a first chapter, I think it gives us readers a glimpse into your vocabulary and writing style pretty quickly. But anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I liked your use of words.

The last time he had been this drunk, he'd killed Jim.
- This line definitely caught my attention. I’m hoping that you delve into this further - I’d love to know if Jim’s death is what causes him to constantly drink, or if this happened before hand. With just a few paragraphs into this, I’m interesting in what’s going to happen and what’s caused Tom to be this way.

His heart twisted and twitched and his gut boiled and tears stung his eyes.
- It might just be me, but I feel like there’s a few too many ands in that sentence. Even if sticking as in for the second and, it would take away the awkwardness of the sentence.

Ain't nothing funny about being a drunk.
- I really like the way you phrase your dialogue. It really suits the era and the characters you’ve introduced.

Jim groaned, cussing under his breath as Tom landed a lucky shot to his jaw and then Jim punched Tom in the stomach and Tom kicked him in the groin and then Jim kneed him in the stomach and finally Tom grabbed Jim's collar and slammed him down on the concrete.
- I don’t know if you were trying to go for a whole ‘fast motion’ approach with this sequence, but I don’t really think it came across that way. To me, it’s just awkward. I personally think that you should really take out a few of those ands. Turn that one long sentence into a couple of smaller ones. I think even just two would fix the flow.

One thing I did like, was how Jim asked Tom why he did it. It seemed so powerful and troubling, and definitely is fuel for Tom’s guilt.

Mexico was where people ran when they were in trouble, right?
- Totally explains why the barmaid speaks Spanish. He ran away.

I think that this first chapter was definitely a good one. Except for a couple of awkwardly worded sentences, the entire chapter flowed nicely. One thing that you seem to excel at is your character development, from their actions right through to their dialect - it’s constant. Like I said, great first chapter. You’ve got real talent and you certainly know how to use it.

I don't even want to think about the worm living at the bottom of an alcohol bottle, but I do like the way you use it to introduce your character.

Wow, I didn't expect it to get so intense so fast! I like the flow of it, the way you tie it all together.

'It grated on Jim's nerves.' - I think this is supposed to be 'Tom's nerves.'

Jim asking Tom why he did it was pretty powerful in my eyes, I think it says a lot about the guilt and grief that Tom has to struggle with every day knowing that he's killed his friend.

I think this story is interesting and has good potential to be a decent story.

Uh, damn. I didn't see the end coming at ALL.

This grabbed your attention right on the sixth line for me; I was completely into it by then. The barmaid made me giggle a little, because at the Mexican restaurant I frequent with my da, there's a little old lady who does the EXACT same thing with chip and salsa. It's pretty funny.

Anyways, I loved the flashback bit. The dialogue worked wonderfully, and it was interesting. When he began to remember about killing him, and then just bolting, it made me think of something that happened here a year or so back with one of my friend's brothers.

The last few paragraphs kill you inside a little. It's just like, D: because the way you've desrcibed their lives, that does sound like the sort of turn out and it's sort of depressing.

Layout is wonderful, as well