#17 Songstress - Comments

For starters, this was given to me by comment Swap and I love comment Swap so I think this totally awesome!

I was very interested when I read the title of the story because I was wondering what it could possibly be about honestly. It made me intrigued and I like that. Well, I think the title and the summary were nicely written and had been interested in what was to come for sure.

The prologue was short and to the point but it packed so much emotion and made me feel. It was so packed and powerful and made me even more excited for what was to come and frankly I was hooked, I just wanted to keep on reading because I think it’s totally amazing honestly.

This was totally amazing and I was like oh I want to know what happens. I love the words that you use and how you describe things. I think your choice of words is totally amazing and it was so interesting. I love how he’s so observant and it was like I was sitting in the room and I really liked it.

I loved the way you described her singing and the way you were able to capture such perfect images, though slightly gruesome and shocking they were so well portrayed and I loved it. I was captivated.

Wow this story was amazing, the last chapter just wow. The way he started to feel guilty and how crazy it made him. I love how you showed the change and I almost wish it was longer because it was just so good!

This is simply amazing. Honestly, I could have kept reading this for as long as possible.

The ending blew me away. You went from a man who wanted others to feel pain, that didn't care what happened to those around him, to a man that was suddenly so overwhelmed by emotions simply because of her song. The contrast was amazing, every chapter was written in a way that seemed to give nothing away, yet everything at the same time.

I love the way you find nothing out about Number 17, and the only way she manages to change him is simply through her song. I half expected them to connect or reach an understanding on some level, but she was heard of once and then that was it. It was extremely clever, and not what I expected at all.

Your writing was completely original, and something I hadn't expected to read, which is why I love it so much. I'm glad you spaced it out in chapters, because you were right, it flowed that way and it made it contain so much more anticipation than it would have without the chapters.

I only found a few mistakes, whilst the rest of your writing was very professional and flawless. The first one I found was in Chapter Two, I think: 'What I am about to do seemed inhuman to most people, but it gave me the energy I thrived on.' Since it was in past tense, the 'am' doesn't fit. I think it should be 'was'.

The second and only other one I found was: 'All the eyes were the same; they looked blank, and starred at nothing, even in the midst of a conversation.' It should be 'stared'.

This is my favourite line in the whole thing, besides the powerful ending: 'Only now did I realize how brave she was, in comparison to the coward I became.' It's extremely clever, and shows how much he's changed simply because of that sole action.

Overall, this was amazing. I loved every second of it, and I'm glad you submitted it. I'll let you know when the winners have been announced!

Wow, this was so nicely written. :]
I'm sad to say this is a short story! Hahah.

The story was very well written. I know it's supposed to be a short story, but I am confident that if you did somehow continue the story that you would continue to do amazing things with it. The story was all around fantastic =]

Title/Layout: The title to me seems a bit weird, I think I would have liked it more if it was just “Number Seventeen” because that’s what he called her in the first chapter, but I’m going to keep reading so maybe I’ll figure out the title more as I get going. I love the layout, it’s simple, easy to read and the banner is great. I’m not sure if I like the grey box where the text is, I think I’d prefer if it was just black so it wasn’t so abrupt and didn’t take away from the rest of the layout, however I love how the rest of the layout looks, especially those little scratch type things scattered throughout it, it’s like the banner doesn’t stop with the banner, it ties in with the rest of the layout.

Chapter One:

“I am a bad man.”

I’m a big fan of simple sentences which is why this is so perfect. I love it when authors put things so bluntly as you did.

“People, even my very best friends, tell me this with shame dripping off their words.”

I also like this because (I could be misreading, at least it’s the impression I got) he’s saying this so calmly, it’s like he could care less that the most important people in his life almost think of him as scum.

“I am the slime that seeps out of Earth’s darkest crevices, mud that never comes off the soles of the world’s shoes. I am the villain behind the heart breaking news stories you watch on TV.”

I especially love the shoe analogy, already I’m impressed by you’re talent.

“I sell curves, I sell femininity, I sell lust, pleasure and youth.”

I dunno why but I just love the way this sentence sounds.

“This authority you think should rein over me? They’re my clients- your judges, politicians, high-class business executives. They answer to me, because of a crippling addiction to what I offer.”

Uh, this dude just sounds like such a smooth bad ass! I can’t help but love him, not to mention you worded this so unbelievably well.

“My girls offer them what they cannot get anywhere else. Excitement. Adrenaline. Irrevocable control.”

I like this, especially the short one word sentences, I love how blunt you’re being in this chapter, saying what needs to be said without a second though even though your subject matter isn’t exactly PG.

“It never bothered me, until I saw, or rather heard number seventeen.”

I like this a lot as an end to a chapter, it wraps up the first chapter and gets you interested in what’s coming. I also love how you just referred to the girl as “number seventeen,” even as he’s saying how she changed his perspective on things he’s still referring to her as almost an inanimate object.

Chapter Two:

“The process was quite simple in all actuality. The man in charge of the warehouse was Philippe Gutez, and two weeks prior to the event you received a stark white invitation from him with a legitimate time and phony location.”

I love the “legitimate time and phony location” it just sounds great, however I’m not sure if the word “you” seems like it goes here…it just sounds off? Not a big issue though.

“If you knew the right people, you found your way to his warehouse. If not, you were shit out of luck.”

Again with the bluntness, I’m getting kinda into this story – not just the subject matter but the way you write.

“Cold, quick and dirty.”

I really like this sentence, it’s summing up the whole scene for me that you’ve so eloquently pained out for me.

“She was youthful enough to remind someone of their neighbor’s daughter, but developed enough to prevent them from thinking of their own precious little girl.”

This totally adds to this man’s character, how nonchalantly he talks about something so…sick I guess.

“I hope I was the reason she started crying.”

Ok, I’m not so sure about this…to me your character seems like someone cold and heartless not really mean y’know? This makes him seem like a mean guy (hoping that he made someone cry) whereas I was getting the impression he was just a man who thought of it as business – though I could be wrong I dunno, I’ll find out later.

“Her skin appeared to be white aside from the black and purple marks winding around her every limb.”

Hm…saying she was white seems kinda off to me, unless you’re trying to emphasize how bruised she is (though I think you do that in the rest of the paragraph). If you wanted to make sure the reader knows that she’s white as opposed to another race I think that’ll become clear when they say where she’s from.

“Looking back now, I wish I had just let her go.”

Once again, an amazing transition. I’m going on to chapter three.

Chapter Three:

“I rarely visited my hotel.”

I don’t see why hotel is in italics, if you mean to say it isn’t really a hotel I think you should have used quotation marks instead.

“After all, sex is simply nature when it comes down to it.”

Once again you’ve brought me back to the character of this cold man, which I think I like more than the flat out mean one I saw earlier when he wished it was him making the girl cry (not that him being “mean” bothers me or anything, just that I think this character I’m seeing him as now is a lot more interesting).

“What I am about to do seemed inhuman to most people, but it gave me the energy I thrived on.”

This should be “was about to do” since it’s in past tense.

“She would be dealt with before I left.”

Ok, this interested me. I hope they show what happens to her (God that makes me sound sick, I’m just curious!)

“…most likely an attempt to compensate for a lack of bulge below the belt.”

Hm…didn’t he see the dudes stuff? I don’t really see that as “most likely” if he actually saw it and could see that it was small…unless he’s saying that him being small is most likely the reason, I dunno this sounds a bit weird to me.

“…in a language I cannot understand. Although I do not understand the words, I feel no sadness in her voice. I see no desperation in her posture, no defeat. I’ve had all the singing I can take.”

This whole paragraph has tense issues. “cannot” should be “couldn’t,” “do not” should be “didn’t,” “feel” should be “felt,” “see” should be “saw,” and “I’ve” should be “I’d.”

“She believes I am a client, and starts to go through the motions of smiling and crawling off the bed towards me. This is the new girl, number 17. I still hear her singing under her breath and in utter confusion I remove my belt. Only then do I see the fear enter her eyes.”

“believes” should be “believed,” “am” should be “was,” “starts” should be “started,” “is” should be “was,” “hear” should be “heard,” “remove” should be “removed,” and “do” should be “did.”

“She tried to run away from me, but her weakness prevents her from breaking the grip I have on her arm.”

“prevents” should be “prevented,” and “have” should be “had.”

“She continues to struggle, and with an almost maniacal laugh, I bellow “You think we’re done,” and pull her up to my eye level as I hit her. I want to see the tears fall down her face, I want the satisfaction of knowing I am the cause of her pain.”

“continues” should be “continued,” “bellow” should be “bellows,” “pull” should be “pulled,” “want” should be “wanted,” (both times) and “am” should be “was.” Again I’m seeing this cruelty in him…I see him more as someone who doesn’t care about the people he’s hurting, not someone who actually enjoys hurting people.

“Her back begins to bleed as I continue to strike her with every amount of force I have. Right now, I regain my power. Her once singing voice fades into cries, just like every other unfortunate little girl here. No one should sing here- no one. Even when she falls to the floor and stops making any noise at all, I cannot stop. Blood puddled in the small of her lower back, and the pungent odor of iron makes its way about the room, and still I cannot stop. Only when she stops fighting me do I stop. When she gives in and gives to me her last bit of control and strength, I stop hitting her.”

“begins” should be “began,” “continue” should be “continued,” “have” should be “had,” “now” should be “then,” “regain” should be “regained,” “fades” should be “faded,” “falls” should be “fell,” “stops” should be “stopped,” “cannot” should be “couldn’t,” “makes” should be “made,” “cannot” should be “could not,” “stops” should be “stopped,” “do” should be “did,” “gives” should be “gave,” (both times) “stop” should be “stopped.”

“Her voice chased me as I run down the hallway; as I speed down the road; as I lie in my bed and try to sleep at night.”

“run” should be “ran,” “speed” should be “sped,” “lie” should be “lied,” and “try” should be “tried.” Now with the tense issues aside, I love this sentence.

“Little did I know, the life that I knew ended that night.”

Once again, you’ve managed to pull off a great transition.

Chapter Four:

“I smell the salt of her tears, and I become more terrified by the day that I care.”

I find this almost funny, he has no problem with all the terrible things he does and yet it “terrifies” him that he “cares.”

“What I could not wrap my mind around, no matter how long and hard I tried, was how someone could go through so much, and have the strength to create something as beautiful as song.”

Ok, now you’re having opposite tense issues! Before it was in past tense and you kept writing present, not you’re in present and you’re writing past!

“Only now did I realize how brave she was, in comparison to the coward I became.”

Ok, I think I know what you’re going for here but I’m not sure…if you mean the “coward” he is now I would put “I was becoming” but if you meant the coward he was when he was a bad guy I think it should be “I had become.”

“As days passed on, my questions became more personal, and demanding.”

I really like the use of the word “demanding” here. It makes it seem to me that he’s almost going crazy thinking about her.

“This process, I decided, was the development of a conscience- the one and only thing that had the ability to destroy me and all I had built.”

I love this sentence, “I had decided” God he’s terrible and yet so incredible! He’s talking about such an emotional thing he’s going through so logically.

“…unwilling to leave the cushion of pity I created.”

This is incredible. Just beautiful.

“Until this moment, I had lost all power.”

I don’t quite understand this sentence…

“I have the power to decide the fate of my own life, and no one can take that away from me. All the singing in the world could not take my finger off the trigger, and every crying prostitute’s sighs could not force me to pull it. It was hysterical, how far I fell.”

I like how after all I’ve read I’m finally in his thoughts right now, in the moment and I love how he’s almost getting joy out of the ability to kill himself.

“My body shook with a desperate laughter, without me realizing the pressure I placed on the trigger…Bang.”

Wow, just wow…what an ending.

All in All: You are amazing. I have never given such a long review in my life. I have never read more than one chapter of someone’s story in the story review game. I have never finished a chaptered story that was any more than two – I would have subscribed if it wasn’t already finished. This piece is beautiful, well thought out, perfectly structured, well written and simply amazing. It’s so captivating and well written and just fantastic. For a moment I was getting worried that he’d end up falling in love with number seventeen and the story would become something cliché but no, you kept the tone, you kept what I loved so much going. This story is so powerful, so real. Thank you for giving me the utmost pleasure of reading your story.

So he's just... dead?
But it was so good... perhaps you could elaborate on what happened after he died?
I don't want it to be over.

What a pity. It ended so soon.
I knew it would come down to that, but I avoided looking at the last word. haha...

I know some of my subscribers are going to be upset about the abrupt ending, but remember this started out as a one shot. I never intended for it to be a long story, at least not now. So don't kill me xD

I really like this, from the beginning paragraph.
It's very enticing. It just draws you in, because it's about a topic that's not particularly common nor is it butterflies and rainbows.

Prostitution has been my business for years for one simple reason: the money. When you’re making fifty grand a day, you stop looking at the girls as human beings, but instead an asset to subdue never ending greed.
Oh, he's heartless. I love it. He's so realistic.

The man in charge of the warehouse was Philippe Gutez,
Great name, and very fitting for a man in his ~business.

Oh, gosh, the way they barter on these girls is terrible.

The end of chapter two was great.
Wonderful cliffhangers.

What was once a girl had become a defeated woman who barely even tried any longer. I had no room for women like her. She would be dealt with before I left. I walked on, with the pounding noise of the bed creeping down the hallway with me.
That's so sad, but it's true. Great way to evoke emotion in the reader.

Without the curiosity to even raise her head at me, she continued to sing in a language I cannot understand. Although I do not understand the words, I feel no sadness in her voice. I see no desperation in her posture, no defeat. I’ve had all the singing I can take.
Is there perhaps a tense shift in this set of sentences? You go from past-tense to present-tense.

Oh gosh, the end really made me cringe, poor girl.
I love that you end every chapter with an italicized line.
It's so alluring, it just makes you want to push the "next chapter" button.

Great job, I'm subscribing.

Finally out!
The new chapter is great. I like the girl already, like how she continues to sing after he leaves.
I like how she sings instead speak. Something about songs can touch people's hearts.

Layout and Summary: First off your layout gives a really dark tone, which I’m guessing your striving for, and it’s well accomplished. It’s readable and it’s nothing too complicated, which is nice. It slightly bugs me how it’s kind of in the middle of left and center, but that could just be me. Your summary is also quite provocative, considering everyone loves a good rebel now and then, though it also does seem slightly cliché. “Oh the girl who changed the bad boy”, something that’s been done before. Though, it still is quite interesting.

Chapter 1:

I am a bad man. People, even my very best friends, tell me this with shame dripping of their words.
It’s an interesting first line, though I think it would be dripping from their words.

I sell sex and women; scared and defeated little girls.
I adore this line, it really gives off who he is and such.

Other than that, it’s pretty solid. You’ve got an interesting prologue that really reels you in and is leaving me for more. You’ve also captured who he is quite well, how he seems inhumane and revolting.

It never bothered me, until I saw, or rather heard number seventeen.
An amazing cliffhanger that really makes me want to read the following chapters. It also seems like a cracked-out rendition of Pretty Women.

Chapter 2:

You’ve delved into the business quite well, how they appear to possess such class, but underneath they’re so dirty and cruel. I adore how you’ve captured this.

Cold, quick and dirty.
I think that sums up the entire thing perfectly.

She was youthful enough to remind someone of their neighbor’s daughter, but developed enough to prevent them from thinking of their own precious little girl.
It really captures what types of people are in the business.

I like how he relates all the girls to women you would see in daily life too, that adds a great touch on it.

Overall, it’s pretty sold in the grammar aspect. It’s quite short, so there isn’t much to review. You may want to make your chapters longer, even if it means to make the wait for the next longer. Not by much, but I think a tad bit would be nice. The story has a lot of promise, but I do hope that you don’t make the transition quick and easy, because that wouldn’t be much fun and it would make the girl seem terribly Mary-Sue. A prostitute would hardly be the last person that could snap their fingers and turn this guy into an angel.

I really hope you do go into detail on to how he got into the business as well, what was his family like? How did he even get a glimpse into something like that? What made him want to even begin such a dirty job?

And also how she even ended up in a place, a prostitute of all things? Though, I’m pretty sure you’re already going to include this. It’s only the beginning, and therefore you’ve got an entire story to look into these things.

Best of luck.

Looking back now, I wish I had just let her go.
Again, another great cliff hanger.

Aww...The last sentence is cute yet sad at the same time. This is not going to end well, I think.

Wow, this is amazing :D
The desciption is phenomenal :)
I am in love with this story :)
Keep writing please :D

Oh my gosh! that was truly chilling. It was very well writing, as is everything you write. You do such a good job at describing how this man thinks. People in the sex industry are cold, heartless people who get enjoyment out of the misery they cause people (he enjoys the thought of making her cry!) and you definitely have that down in this story. I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm left hanging!

I think this will be something really great.
I liked the prologue, it described the bad in this man, the awful things he used to do, but then there's this last sentence that really makes you wanna know much more about this story. Who is this person? What is she to him? What will she do to him? And how will she do it?
Will she manage to make this bad man a good man?
I really wanna know.

I am the slime that seeps out of Earth’s darkest crevices, mud that never comes off the soles of the world’s shoes.
Love this line! It's good that you used these images in your writing. It flows very well.
I think this will be very great. The title is catchy, too.
I just wish it were longer.

Wow that was really, really good.
If it wasn't for that last line that sets up the rest of the story, this very well could stand on its own.
What impressed me most about this story was how you knew this man's thoughts so well, you got into his head perfectly and I'm guessing that you're very different than he is.
I don't think I've seen a story on here about this kind of topic from the POV you chose, very interested story and I think it's a very good setup to get subscribers.