Think Thin - Comments

jack and jill went up a hill
and then jack left a shitty comment
on jill's story called night
so then jill came to jack's story
because story comments can't be deleted
jill said ffffffuuuuuuu, jack
you're lucky you're my friend

Summary: I really liked this because it was so simple but it still drew me in. You gave enough of the story to give the reader a hint of what was going on, but you didn't go and describe the entire story.

Chapter One: Overall, I thought this was a great chapter. I love the way you phrased the sentences, but her thoughts seemed a bit forced and too simple. "I wish I looked like that. Why am I so fat? I hate myself." The way she blames herself is completely realistic though. The main character is easy to relate to, especially the way she replies to Ben's text message.

"Once I saw his name I put the fudge bar back and slammed the freezer door shut."
That line was perfect. I'd just like to warn you about starting your sentences with "I" too often. It felt noticeable to me in the second paragraph. Anyway, I think this was a beautiful start. This story is so easy to take in and imagine happening (sadly). The chapter was short, but it told a lot, and I love that in a story.

Chapter Two: I don't really have much to say about this chapter, except that I liked it. I'm interested to learn more about Anna's life and her family. It's surprising the way her parents reacted, and not what I expected. I would have liked a little more description about her parents though. The chapter was enjoyable :)

Chapter Three: I find it so interesting that Anna's mom seems to be in denial. It's easier to pretend everything is perfect than try to fix a problem, right? The dialogue also seemed very realistic to me. Ben, Ben, Ben. I'm not quite sure what I think about him. At the moment I slightly dislike him, but that might change. "I wouldn't fall asleep because I would be too busy reading our past conversations." That has happened to me too many times.

"Right now he was all about Natasha, but soon he was going to be all about me." Anna really seems to think getting skinnier will suddenly make Ben like her. I'm starting to really get into this story.

Chapter Four: This chapter made me so so sad. I want to just hug Anna and get rid of all her troubles. It's heartbreaking to think that there are so many people who go through this every day :/ The emotion in this story is so overwhelming. I'd like to learn more about Anna. What was her childhood like? Does she have any siblings? Has she always thought she was fat? So many questions...I'm subscribing.

First of all, I love the layout; it's simple but stunning.
Much like the summary. <3

Once I saw his name I put the fudge bar back and slammed the freezer door shut.
^ I love this line. Just saying.

The second chapter is brilliant. It's an interesting concept that her parents don't act upset about her weight loss but are proud instead, since it's usually the other way around.

Chapter three is also brilliant. The mother scares me, too.
I love how you describe the relationship between Anna and Ben. Their routine conversation sounds absolutely adorable. :)

Four was mind-blowing good! My heart is breaking for Anna. :(

Overall, I really like the way you write; and, honestly, I don't think there is a need for longer chapters - the lengths of the four you have published now seem well-suited to the story.
I'm curious as to how this story continues, so I'll be subscribing. :)

Again, I must say you have a wonderful talent.

Well I officially love this. I know a couple girls who are like this....I can't belive you were able to portray it so well. Very nice thourough job. And don't think that the chapters aren't long enough, I think the fact that it is all happening in fragments sort of adds to the story. Really awesome job! I'm subscribing!!

Okay, so, first of all, I love the layout and how simple it is. The picture scares me a little, though :/ I mean, yeah, I've had EDs since I was 10, but y'know, when you see other people suffering from the same thing, you feel worse for them than you do yourself. Maybe that's just how I am :/ Anyways, onto the review...
Chapter 1: Oh my God, I always stop and watch those weight loss commercials. They're so addicting that I find myself drooling for those pills. I want them so, so badly D: And Ben. Sigh. He sounds like a major cutie. I can so relate to Anna and how she feels about eating. Honestly, I find myself feeling guilty about only thinking of food. It's really, really scary.
Chapter 2: So her mom is okay with losing weight so drastically like that? Sigh. That's so sad D: Then she blacks out!? I won't lie; I totally felt like my heart-rate going up when I read that the doctor came in. I'm so damn terrified of needles like Anna >.< And btw, I love how your chapters are really short, but they say alot. You don't see very many authors doing that here :]
Chapter 3: Okay, so now I see that her mom is denying everything. Like I said in the last comment, it's just so sad. It happens all the time; parents deny things that are possibly wrong with their children and then the inevitable happens. :|
And I happen to think that you're starting to read my mind or something. I started to poke my fat, getting angry fast. I do that literally everyday. It's horrific how one thing can lead to another and then you're trapped in this vicious cycle. You don't know what happens next with it.
Chapter 4: I won't lie. This chapter made me cry. I can relate to everything she's feeling - her frustrations, the fears. It's...really bad what she's going through.

I think you can tell how much I love this story. Really. It's amazing. I really, really hope you update it soon (: I'll be keeping an eye out for it <3

I loved the emotion you've put into this. I did see a few errors, but nothing a little proofreading can't handle. You're doing well So far. Can't wait to see where this ends up. :3

This was really good. It was so full of raw emotion, and it was also very easy to read. You handled this subject very well, too. I am interested to see what happens to your main character. (I don't think I saw her name anywhere...D=).

Anyway, this was simply amazing! I am going to subscribe.

i love it

i so love this <3

I LOVE THE NEW LAYOUT. It's prettier.
Now that's that's out of the way:

you don't need to make 'em longer. Sometimes, short chapters add to a story. (:

This one really dove deeper into the mind of a girl with anorexia nervosa. It takes over every single part or your life. Everything is about being thin, thin, thin, 00, nothing, bones, pretty.

And if things don't go that way, you freak-out. Mental breakdowns in a fitting room included. Then your state-of-mind gets worse and worse, your ED gets worse and worse.

Before I left I looked at myself in the mirror and vowed that I would do whatever it takes to fit into a double zero, They do vow.
and they end up starving themselves to death.

Friggin good chapter. Update again, now.

"Muffin, we just want to know if you are being healthy." Totally laughed out loud because I could hear your mom calling you that in my head. Like when she came into Deflo last year? Heard all about that, and I wasn't even in your class. I had it with Megan and Regine (:

...and I would always dance around his name by giving descriptions of 'the boy I liked'. I liked the way you worded that. I hate when people do that to me.

Finally we would say goodnight and I wouldn't fall asleep because I would be too busy reading our past conversations. Oh, my god, I've done this. I just love how real this story is.
Too real, Jeanette. .__. I do believe you'll know what I'm trying to say, here.

Right now he was all about Natasha, but soon he was going to be all about me. Perfect. It shows the desperation in a subtle way, I think it'd be better as an ending line than the 'even if I have to kill myself.' You should take that part out, actually. This by itself seems stronger, and not repetitive.

This is breath taking.
Being a past anorexic for a boy myself.
I found this amazingly compelling.
Can't wait for the next one.

Okay.
I love this. It's so raw and real and the sentences are awkward sometimes but for this story it works so perfectly and it just makes it even better.

Whenever I got hungry I chewed on tissue, laughing at how gullible my body was. My parents weren't worried though, being the athletes that they were. I was "turning my life around." . They were as gullible as my body.
I love this part. It's sort of twisted and amazing.

Spanish should be capitalized.

I love the summary even more than before, by the way.
CONTINUEEEEEEE

LOVE it. for real. Soo, im subbing. I think you should make the chapters longer though.

Okay.
Jeanette, I woke up extra early just to be able to do this because I won't be on the computer on the eighth after I finish this comment.

Catriana wasn't invisable, Ben just didn't see her. Natasha was in his view, but she didn't want him. That is until Catriana made the change, now the positions have changed. It's a happy ending waiting to happen, too bad she's killing herself.
You wanted con/crit, so I'll try, haha. Invisable should be invisible. I think using change twice in that one sentence is a little weird, and I think the last part would flow better if it were: It's a happy ending waiting to happen. Too bad she's killing herself.

But honestly, I really liked the summary and it drew me in really fast. :D

I answered back with "Nothing much. Wbu?" hoping to seem nonchalant.
I love this because it sort of captures that, 'oh, I don't like you, I'm not eager or desperate' sort of thing, do you know what I mean? Haha.

Once I saw his name I put the fudge bar back and slammed the freezer door shut.
There was a lot of impact in that sentence and I adore it. (:

I just wish there was more in that first chapter, because it's super short D:
But, I guess I can't really talk, I mean one of my Heavy Heart chapters is like ninety-five words, hahah.

Overall, I'm excitied you're finally putting up a chaptered story and I can't wait.