July 5th, 2010 at 05:03am
“But sometimes, even if he was still loving it he had to hate it too.”
I’m not the best with grammar stuff bit I think this should be “But sometimes, even if he was still loving it, he had to hate it too.”
“He missed his house and the cozy familiarity of just being home. He missed going to bed at a reasonable time and getting more than three hours of sleep a night. Most of all, he missed his wife and kids.”
I love this first sentence, but I think the word “children” would sound better than “kids,” just more professional but I guess but that’s purely my opinion.
“Long, aimless walks were as guaranteed to happen to the man as the homesick depression he was feeling. He loved walking, feeling the breeze whip against his jacket, the wind against his cool cheeks as he walked down streets he wasn't familiar with. Walking soothed him, got him out of his own mind and kept him focused on anything besides his own thoughts. Sometimes he'd walk to breathe, sometimes to think, sometimes to write and sometimes to escape. This was a walk to escape.”
This is a great passage, very descriptive and sad and well written.
“The soles of his worn and much loved Chuck's scuffed across the cobbled streets of Paris. He had been in the city multiple times throughout his life but he'd never walked this particular path. It was dark and quiet, the lack of light from inside buildings hinted to him that he was no longer near a residential area. He mostly heard the wind and rustling of leaves but in the distance he could hear the faint chatter of people enjoying themselves. Clearly he wasn't the only night owl.”
I like this a lot too, it creates the eerie sense of sadness I think you’re trying to deliver, it puts me in his head and the last sentence interests me and makes me wonder what’s coming next.
“He missed his wife. The way her vanilla scent would cling to his clothes after a few hours together. The way her body felt pressed to his at night as they slept. Her small, soothing fingers running through his hair to help calm him down and her quiet, firm voice that had the ability to shut the rest of the world out in a matter of minutes.”
I’m guessing you did these fragments on purpose, but I would suggest using commas instead of periods to create a run on sentence, creating the feeling of Billie being lost in though, or using …s (which personally I would use) to create the sense that his mind is jumping around at little random thoughts and memories of their relationship.
“…grabbing the offending piece of plastic and bring it to her ear.”
Should be “brining.”
“Adrienne couldn't help but smile. Eleven years of marriage and the man still acted as if this was the honeymoon.”
Awwwwww!!!
"‘How're you? How's the boys?’"
It should be “How’re” you, unless you’re just writing it that way for part of his dialogue.
"…before laying back against the bed”
I think it should be “lying,” at least that’s what my computer says.
“The older woman laughed…”
Do you mean she’s way older than him or just older in general like middle aged? I dunno, it just seems weird when you call her that.
“The man shoved the phone…”
I like when you call him “The man,” it sounds neat…I often write whole stories just calling someone “he.”
“He looked up at the starlit night sky above him before kicking off the wall and making his way back to the hotel. He was going to get some sleep before sunrise after all.”
And all in all, a nice way to finish the story.
I like the idea you have there. Last year for school I had to read “The House on Mango Street” and I hated it, I thought it was poorly written and I thought the vignettes made it so random and pointless…but I think what you’ve got here is very nice and a smart idea. Lately I’ve been writing little vignettes, just a brief snap shot into a characters life and I think if a vignette is well written and you can really feel for the character they can be neat, nice job.
I will be eagerly awaiting more.