And Patrick would look so intense when reading. He always gets so involved. "Gets" should be "got" for proper tense.
He cries each time he finishes the Harry Potter series. "Cries" should be "cried" and "finishes" should be "finished" for proper tense.
He's like it with films as well - he didn't stop weeping for an hour after Moulin Rouge finished, and that was after the second time he had watched it. "He's" should be "he was" for proper tense.
And sometimes, Neil would even deliberately does something he knows will annoy Patrick. "Does" should be "do" and "knows" should be "knew" and "will" should be "would" for proper tense.
Little things like leaving the milk out and 'forgetting' to take the rubbish out. Just to see that spark of intensity again. Just to see if Patrick really cared. Great description and detail here! I like how you're giving the reader a look into their relationship.
And if Neil was being honest with himself, he would admit that it was the way Patrick reacted to the little things that attracted him to Patrick in the first place. If Patrick didn't get upset over films or the sight of a rabbit dying on the side of the road, he wouldn't be the same Patrick. And if he wasn't Patrick, Neil wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place. I think the ending is... so-so. It's not great, but it isn't bad either. It just sort of ends, and while there is a purpose, it isn't a big one.
I thought this story was really sweet, and I definitely enjoyed it. I just felt as if it was missing something. Like... you only told us what happened, instead of showed us what happened with your writing. But you are talented and I liked the story overall.
Here's some statistics: (The higher the percent, the better I thought each thing was.)
"Gets" should be "got" for proper tense.
He cries each time he finishes the Harry Potter series.
"Cries" should be "cried" and "finishes" should be "finished" for proper tense.
He's like it with films as well - he didn't stop weeping for an hour after Moulin Rouge finished, and that was after the second time he had watched it.
"He's" should be "he was" for proper tense.
And sometimes, Neil would even deliberately does something he knows will annoy Patrick.
"Does" should be "do" and "knows" should be "knew" and "will" should be "would" for proper tense.
Little things like leaving the milk out and 'forgetting' to take the rubbish out. Just to see that spark of intensity again. Just to see if Patrick really cared.
Great description and detail here! I like how you're giving the reader a look into their relationship.
And if Neil was being honest with himself, he would admit that it was the way Patrick reacted to the little things that attracted him to Patrick in the first place. If Patrick didn't get upset over films or the sight of a rabbit dying on the side of the road, he wouldn't be the same Patrick. And if he wasn't Patrick, Neil wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place.
I think the ending is... so-so. It's not great, but it isn't bad either.
It just sort of ends, and while there is a purpose, it isn't a big one.
I thought this story was really sweet, and I definitely enjoyed it.
I just felt as if it was missing something.
Like... you only told us what happened, instead of showed us what happened with your writing.
But you are talented and I liked the story overall.
Here's some statistics: (The higher the percent, the better I thought each thing was.)
Clarity: 99%
Believability: 99%
Characterization: 98%%
Description: 85%
Dialog: N/A
Emotional Engagement: 80%
Grammar/Spelling: 90%
Imagery: 80%
Intellectual Engagement: 80%
Pacing: 90%
Plot: 80%
Readability: 95%
<3