July 27th, 2010 at 10:04am
Summery, title, layout
The title drew me in. It is a simple, one-worded title, but really means something. As for the summery, I feel that it could be split up to make two paragraphs, instead of making it one giant paragraph.
The layout, and the banner were beautiful! And I am not saying that because I like purple; they are both truly wonderful! The only thing that bugged me about the layout was the line spacing. The closeness of the lines make the content a little hard to read, in my opinion.
Prologue:
I feel, that since the prologue is in a poem sort of form, that there should be commas in some places where there are periods. But I love the fact that you did have a poem for the prologue. It is new and nice to see!
Chapter one:
The beginning, to me, made me feel like the story starts out in a Victorian time. But as I read further, I found that it is set in the present.
Oh!” He gasped, and I jumped and leaned into the phone more.
I feel that this sentence should be split up into two sentences. When combined into one sentence, it seems awkward to read; the flow of the sentence seems off.
I had wool pulled over my eyes when I was small.
I do not quite understand this sentence. In the paragraph, you are talking about Hunter, and then this sentence appears. After reading the same paragraph over a few times, I can sort of understand why it was there, but I think that it doesn’t completely belong where you have placed it.
Today was particularly sunny, but it was a beautiful day with the sweeping of the wind brushing across my face.
This sentence seems… off to me. It is a beautiful line, don’t get me wrong, but something about it seems weird to me. I think it might be that you have sweeping and brushing so close together. I feel, that in this sentence, you were trying to cram too much description into one sentence.
I love the awkwardness between Odessa and her father. With all the nervousness, and awkwardness between them made it that much more realistic. Also, with that short conversation, I could see that their relationship was rather close. Closer than her and her mother’s.
You have put in a wonderful amount of detail, but I feel that in some places, it is just too much. I read some detail on things that I felt didn’t need to have that much detail. For example, I felt that the first paragraph kept going on with what the morning was, etc. But that much detail is good, but it can also bore readers.
Overall:
Your story has a wonderful beginning. I love how all of the characters seem really thought out. I am still a little unsure about the plot, but I guess you cannot reveal what it is in the first few chapters. I have really enjoyed reading this story!
Secondly, the layout is stunning, as is the banner.
Thirdly, all in all, this was very well written. It flowed perfectly, and I only found one error. There was very few voices coming down the hall. 'Was' should be 'were' in this instance, since you're addressing the plural 'few voices', as opposed to 'a voice'.