July 21st, 2010 at 12:49am
). Anyway, to the point. As I have told you already, I like the layout, I think it fits and the colours are gentle and nice, not hurting my eyes when I'm reading the story. Which is pretty much the only condition I have as far as the layouts are concerned. The story overall, I love it. You already know I do. I love the realism of the whole story, of the relationships. You show something else, a different kind of relationship that is not seen as healthy, yet you present it in a way that makes it healthy, makes it work. At the beginning, I was expecting this to be an abuse story, and because it wasn't, it was a really nice cliche breaker. It was something else. Which reminds me, I agree with the person above, I really like how the "unhealthy" way of living was limited to a certain aspect of their lives, and how it was not connected with sex. But I will get to that eventually.
As soon as he looked at me, I knew he was no good. This is a brilliant opening line. It catches the reader's attention immediately, at least it did catch mine, and I wanted to know what was going to happen, why did the main character think that? It made me instantly want to read the story, and that's the point. I also like that you wrote it in the first person's point of view and this way made it more open for more readers. Whether I wanted slash, or het, I could see whichever I chose. You avoided to mention specific things that would limit that, and I love it when the reader has space for imagining his own things - and yet, you presented a story that has the beginning and the end, the whole plot and no grey spots of unclearness that would annoy me.
I like how from the very beginning you showed us what they did, the abusive part of the relationship, and then added more and more to that. Adding to the relationships the things that made it whole deeper and more meaningful, the things that showed that the couple loves each other. I also like the bit about how it started - that it was accidental. It seems really realistic, because I doubt this is something you tell to someone, regardless of how close you might be to them. You know? Because it could destroy the relationship, and maybe they wouldn't want to risk it and rather keep the urge to themselves. But you started it accidentally and it just worked. I also really really like, just as the person above, that the abusive happened at the certain places. I also think it makes it much more realistic and... well it makes sense, you know? This is something they keep secret, so it makes sense they have a special routines to it.
I love that they have kids. Somehow the kids made the whole relationship look perfectly normal on the outside (and at the same time, for them it was normal even with the abusive parts), and this way you showed just how solid it all was. The kids, and the fact that you made them age. And die.
Ah the death. It was so heartbreaking, especially the whole leaving-me-alone part. Because that's how it is. When my grandpa died, my grandma just kept saying, "what will I do alone? What will I do without him?" even though she was not alone. But when you live with someone for such a long time, it just... I don't even want to imagine it, regardless of how natural it is. (By the way, I totally want to grow old with you, and now excuse the sappy outburst in the middle of the comment, I will get back to it.
).So yeah. You made the story so so realistic, by all those little things that a worse writer would not notice, or maybe the readers won't notice either, not consciously - but somehow, they will feel the realness of the story. It's amazing, and you are amazing for writing it. Great great job, love.
You've dealt with a tricky subject brilliantly, and you haven't degraded the seriousness of the topic in one bit, infact you've just helped back up how severe it can get.
Excellent.