November 28th, 2008 at 10:28pm
[For Choreographed Denial]
O_O! Just amazing! Holy fuck! XDD
I loved loved it!
Bedtime Stories Collection - Comments
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November 28th, 2008 at 10:27pm
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Oh my god, Rose. :cheese:
These are amazing. I can't right now, but as soon as I can, I'm gonna review it all.
June 16th, 2008 at 09:16pm -
[For Choreographed Denial]
Ohhhhh my God, Rose.
I take forever to comment things because... I'm, erm, lazy, and I get backed up, so then I forget what needs commented, and I'm a little shit sometimes.
So anyways, when i started reading this, I was just like, :cheese: this fucking first paragraph is... beautiful. It's a beautiful opening sentence, a beautiful opening paragraph.
And then when you started describing them, I was just... amazed. You described him just perfectly. And you described - I'm going to assume it's Frank and Gerard, that's who it was in my mind, anyways. That's the joy of no names - Frank just perfectly aswell.
And the description of them together is absoulutely stunning. :cheese: I could never ever ever write so beautifully like this. I admire your talent.
Favourite Line:
He would purposely treat me like a rag doll worth less than dirt and would in returnee get psychologically tortured.
I've got to learn to comment better, however...June 16th, 2008 at 07:34pm -
Oh, and go pimp this, please?
It needs more comments.
Kthnxbye.June 15th, 2008 at 02:33am -
Okay, I'm reviewing Choreographed Denial because I just reread that messahe you sent me 6547876087 years ago, where you said this was the first that you mimicked my style with.
And I don't know what the fuck you were talking about, because you do it better. [:
I was completely spellbound from the first paragraph, because, well... it started with sex, and I'm not sure there's a better way to catch attention than that. :mrgreen: BUT not only was it sex, it was phenomenal writing, which didn't really surprise me after those unposted excerpts you sent. I absolutely adore the things you used to indicate the kind of relationship they have. You struck the perfect balance between simply telling it like it is/was, through the narrator's voice, and then including details which showed more than they told.
So get ready for a lot a lot a lot of quoting. :]
It was nails tracing vicious jigsaw patterns and eyes bleeding indecency from the depths of our souls, splashing out as dirty looks.
HOLY SHIT. "Eyes bleeding indecency" is such a perfect phrase; it just evokes the sickest image in my mind and really shows the way they can't control themselves when they're in the moment, everything just spills out, and-
And it was obscenity; tangled, angled, almost painfully twisted arms and legs and backs. It was spines carving into flesh pressed against hard material (floors and walls and thin mattresses) and hipbones eroding from clashing together too fast too often.
"Tangled, angled" made me smile; I love love love when little things show up in writing, whether it's words that just fit together really well like the last thing I quoted, or rhyming words... Seriously, your word choice is amazing; I'm captivated. "Carving" was perfect, "eroding," "clashing;" they're all perfect. Little exclamation points go off in my head when I read your work. :] It's like, these phrases will axtually stay with me. Sometimes I read things, and yeah, they're good, but they're forgettable. But you've chosen the perfect worfds here to make me remember. "Spines carving into flesh." :cheese:
It was heavy breath and curse words and nonsense; it was the shrillest symphony. Oh, it was love alright. Neatly packaged in anguish, loath and lust and tucked away so that it never would show through.
AGAIN. "The shrillest symphony." HOT DAMN.
And the sentiment here is perfect: maybe it's love, but they're hiding it. They don't want it, they only want what they absolutely need and nothing more.
AND I love the contrast between the two of them. I won't quote or try to be deep, because your narrator basically did all the thinking for me there. :] Nonetheless, just know, I think it works incredibly well. I love stories with complex characters, and oh, while I've thought of it, I love the way your narrator steps back to talk about their personalities/dress habits/etcetera, because that's something I think is really really interesting. My stories are usually in past tense, but my nrrators don't really remove themselves enough to talk about the backstory or anything. And I'm a person who analyzes myself constantly, so it's cool to see that written out. It just... makes sense to me, I guess.
Making love isn’t really making love but it’s not just fucking when it comes to us. It’s raw, we would not only be stripped of our clothes but skin and tissue and flesh would be peeled of as well, revealing the lust and need that pulsate below the surface.
OH OH OH. I can fucking FEEL it. Most writers (I'm guilty) talk about the difference between fucking and making love, but you've provided a third option, which I love because every time there's an opportunity NOT to reduce the world down to black and white, I think authors should take it. There are just too many people out there for there not to be a billion shades of grey.
He ripped my head closer, clashing vertebrae together and making them crush ligaments and nerves, sending sparkles of read-hot scalding my neck. My chest contracted and burned as my ribcage twisted itself inside out when his lips crashed upon mine. His teeth then burrowed deep into my lower lip. Fireworks infested my brain, screaming mutely via dilated pupils, scratching wherever spastically contracting fingers could reach.
:cheese: :cheese: :cheese:
I think this is probably my favorite paragraph, but we'll see.
Some of the wording is a little awkward, but then you also have the most gorgeous phrases in the world right next to them, so I don't know what to tell you. x] I love the description of the crunching vertebrae; it just sounded so painful and plus it includes the word vertebrae. :]]]]]]] AND THENNNN: "screaming mutely via diluted pupils." That's possibly the singular most amazing phrase in the universe, rivaled only by a few. I'm not kidding; it still takes my breath away every time I reread it. I don't know why; I wish I could tell you. The words flow beautifully and then just the idea of it is AMAZING.
Screaming mutely via diluted pupils screaming mutely via diluted pupils screaming mutely via diluted pupils screaming mutely via diluted pupils. I could say it a billion times. [:
...grin cutting his face in half.
I'm always trying to describe grins that aren't necesarily happy ones... you've stolen the show. :]
...black, narrowed holes that soon would dilate and devour most of his retinas.
I want rewrite all these phrases in caps lock. You're fucking amazing.
The image of his pupils devouring his retinas is so spooky and otherwordly that it sends a shiver down my spine.
Without seeing them I knew rosy elevated lines zigzagged contrastingly across his back. My mark. I smirked. He never copied that habit. Instead he left indigo, maroon and sickly yellow leaking just below my skin, painting irregular circles on my neck and collarbone.
:cheese:
Holy fuck, honestly.
That is a fucking phenomenal contrast; one cuts, the other bruises... One bleeds on the outside while the others bleeds on the inside. Ohmygod. My brain is gonna implode now. Ohmygod. I can't do it justice but that is amazing.
Ahahaha, oh my God.
I'm writing this as I'm reading the second half, and HE IS SUCH A TEASE!!111! XD
I kept smirking. If looks could kill I would have been a bloody pulp on the floor, his gaze practically cleaved my being leaving a collection of aimlessly scattered bullet wounds.
"A bloody pulp on the floor" + the word 'cleaved' = perfection. Plus the rest of that sentence. They're both so depraved, it's funny and horrible and sexy and sick all at the same time.
His eyes cracked open and he sat up and pulled me close. Then he seemed to remember who we were and what we did. OH HO HO.
Obviously this entire piece has been generating a reaction from me, especially the quoted lines, and I LOVE that in writing. If the story itself is good, that's awesome, but if there are particular parts that make me want to get up and wave my arms or something, even better. :] I was like "OH SNAP YOU SECRETLY LIKE HIM A LITTLE!" Which connects back to the fact that there is love, it's just been shoved aside. Cleverrrr.
My heart burst into bright red that trickled trough my insides with a feverish warmth and the muscles in my involuntarily widely spread legs cramped, constricting around the bones as if wanting to break them, and my mind erupted into fireworks and Catherine wheels and pyrotechnics. Bright and burning and blinding. Erasing everything else.
And that was just the beginning.
Haha, I'd feel dirty even saying anything about that.
Just know I'm quoting it for a reason. :]]]
I love the way his muscles are constricting around his bones "as if wanting to break them;" I could just fucking feel it in my own bones.
And then you mentioned Catherine wheels, which for some reason made me smile. :]
Your sex scene... I haven't quoted the rest, but I'd like to have some sex now. :mrgreen:
We just lay still for a moment. A heaving, fresh car wreck still hot from the collision. A wonderful heart wrenching catastrophe.
So far everything was our kind of normal.
The imagery of a crash crash is precisely right. I'm soooooooo in love.
I stared at him and he stared back, both of us terrified. He because if he went there he couldn’t hide anymore and I because I didn’t have enough heart inside my chest left to break. Our constellation worked fine like it was: an escape where he wasn’t a coward and I wasn’t lost in no-man’s-land. Involve love in the equation and all we will get is complications.
OH OH OH OH. More of that stuff you do that evokes a gut reaction from me. :]
Me being a hopeless wreck, I think they need to fall in love and such RIGHT. NOW. Okay, shh. Seriously, though, they just tug at my heartstrings. Because they don't realize that love could be an escape if they'd let it, because they're so scared. And the word constellation! Shit. I wish you were published so we could annotate your writing in class. There are actually things to annotate because your style is so rich and... asdfghjkl. I love it.
It is a dance. All bone cracking, mind shattering and pain lid. It’s parchment pale and wine-red streaked. It’s a choreography of spine eating flesh and ribs cutting skin, veins and muscles and nerves squashed and tangle together in cramps, sparkles burning into the mind, of dirty, dirtier, dirtiest words, of ripping apart time and space and of never ever forgetting just where next to step.
:cheese: New favorite part. Sort of. They're all my favorite part.
But I can't even pick words or phrases out of this because every single one is perfect. Well... "spine eating flesh" does stand out. I'm a creep, so I think that is positively to-die-for gorgeous. :]]]]]]] You've connected back to the title so well here (which is perfect by the way, it fits like a glove :]), and it just... eeeeeeeee.
ANDD THENNNN...
It is love alright. Why would we otherwise be so very scared of jeopardizing our little waltz?
But we don’t want love. We want escape.
Right?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
This is so true to life that my lungs are burning.
The ending is so open, and that's basically how things really are.
People who are probably perfect for each other never take that first step; people who are destroying each other just can't stop, and then there are people stuck in-between like I feel your characters here are. And we as readers don't get to know what happens next.
Just... oh my God.
I feel so connected to them now; I want to say that I hope they find each other/themselves. x]
I hope this review at least gets close to doing you justice. I tried. :]
You are quite an amazing writer.
EDIT: OHMYGOD why are your one-shots so long?! Look how much I've writtem. :shock: :lmfaoJune 15th, 2008 at 02:28am
I seriously loved it.....damn, great job =D!