Pearl of the Stars - Comments

This is brilliant. A little lengthy in paragraphs, and maybe a little more dialogue would be nice.
But otherwise is wonderful.
The title and layout and story tie in wonderfully.
Rather original, which is always good. Brilliant. I can't wait to read more.

Title:
I like the title, it's cute and not too long or too short.

Layout:
The layout is lovely. The colors are really nice too, in contrast with each other. The purples and the whites are lovely.

Summary:
I love the summary. I always love quoets or lyrics for summarys.Chapter two:

And then the twinkle the witch would get in her eyes when she knew a secret... the way her gnarled hands expertly weaved a strand of dried onion-grass. - There shouldn't be dots, it should be a comma instead.

I really like the first paragraphy, it's well written.

I also really love the third paragraphy, it's amazing and how you describe things, just blows me away.

As Violet entered the house once again, she laid the cotzu feather carefully on the table, arranging it perfectly. Like a welcoming gift. There should be a comma after perfectly.

I feel some of your paragraphs are too long. You could have broken them down in a lot of places. No one likes big chunks of endless writing.

but here... there was only night. Again, you could have used a comma instead of the dots. The dots aren't needed.


“Get away from there!” Came a muffled shriek, and then a cough. Violet's head quickly turned to stare into the shadows, her eyes meeting with those of an old woman. “Stay away from there, child!” The hag shouted again, her white hair blowing in a sudden breeze, along with a battered black cloak that hung around her wide shoulders
“Get away from there!” Came a muffled shriek, and then a cough.

Violet's head quickly turned to stare into the shadows, her eyes meeting with those of an old woman.

“Stay away from there, child!” The hag shouted again, her white hair blowing in a sudden breeze, along with a battered black cloak that hung around her wide shoulders. I should be written like that to avoid big chunks of writing.

'The hag' is used too much. Try other names.

She lives... lived on the edge of Felbourne, in the great marshes.” It would be better written like, She lives... lived," she corrected. "On the edge of Felbourne, in the great marshes.”

Overall:
It's very nicely written and described but you could have used a lot more dialouge. You could have also spaced out the paragraphs a bit better. But I did enjoy it, it was lovely.

This is awesome. It's so magical. It's a whole new world and it's totally fascinating. I love it.

Your characters are brilliant. Only two chapters in, yet they're so developed and realistic. I love everything about this. I adore stories that invent a whole new world, although they're hard to come by online, as it takes a special author to write them successfully. You, however, have pulled it off brilliant. This is a work of art, truly.

Well done =]

Im subscribimng. I love fantasy stories and this one is great.

Again, you have stunned me with your writing. c: I thought the first copy of chapter two was brilliant, but this was miles better. The imagery was flawless - I could picture everything in my head perfectly. I'm dying to know what the significance of the fountain is and the hag, if they have any at all. I loved how you managed to tie Bartha's murder into the main plot of the story with this chapter, and, again, you put a cliffhanger at the end that will ensure people come back for more c: Adored it c:

Your imagery and detailed description makes it incredibly easy to picture.
"The hilt of the treacherous weapon dug into her fingers, leaving them white and numb."
It flows brilliantly and rests comfortably on the mind-it's not too much, nor too little.

Wow.

This is brilliant.

Your writing is flawless and everything flows really well. You've set the scene nicely and your descriptions are amazing. I'm supposed to tell you something to improve on but I honestly can't think of anything.

Hello,

I must admit, I find your story to be quite interesting so far, and were it not for WTFMusicPerson, I'd probably never come across it. :]

wow this is great, the ammount of detailed description really helps brings the story to life =)

I liked the style in which you wrote it in:)
And that last paragraph was phenomonal, you captured Violet perfectly.

Negaswap. C:

I know this is supposed to be a comment telling you something you could improve on, but honestly I could find nothing that needed fixing. All the spelling and gramar appeared correct and I did not notice any loose ends.

Honestly, the only thing that I did not like was this was the only chapter aha. :)

You always have the most amazing layouts.
All your stories have such beautiful layouts!

When I read the title I wasn't sure what to think.
I figured it would be good, cause you have a natural talent for writing such lovely stories.

Dazzling. Endearing. Magical. Engaging.

Those were my thoughts while reading this story.

You really need to continue. Your writing style is truly amazing, I was speechless after reading this.

Firstly, the layout is very pretty and kind of... whimsical, in a way.

Secondly, I love the way you describe things, especially in this line: Wild was a word that would climb the tallest mountain, run through the thickest forest, and swim across the widest ocean.

As a fan of sweeping historical fantasies, I can say I definitely enjoyed reading this.
I'll be subscribing for more.

Your writing style is just amazing. For real, it's just.. wow.
It's a really nice change from a lot of the other stories on mibba.
It's unique.
I really hope you continue this because it was just wonderful.

Oh my gosh yes! This is like a breath of fresh air I've actually been looking for a story like this I hope it continues to stick to the style of this first chapter. I'll suggest it to one of my friends whose really in to the fantasy type as well.

ps. Expect to be pestered by me for updates.

First off, I loved the layout.
Secondly, this is really different, and I adore it. Seriously. Your writing is phenomenal.

This is literally the best story I've read so far on this site, from start to finish. Not even lying. It's so good to finally find an actual fantasy story that doesn't include shiny vampires in it, you have no idea.

Your first paragraph was just...wow. Really, there's no other way to put it. The moment I started reading, it felt like I was cracking open the Chronicles of Narnia or the Lord of the Rings. The entire story had the exact flavor you need for writing fantasy, and your lead paragraph was such a good example of that. The comparisons to wild were amazing. The only bad thing about the paragraph - and the entire story - was that you mixed up your tenses when comparing wild, but still. Breathtaking first paragraph.

You set up the main conflict of the story perfectly, but you left plenty of room for other plot twists to develop. Even better, you ended the chapter with a cliffhanger, which I love.

Questions led to answers, answers led to secrets, and secrets led to fate.

That line...wow, again. I have nothing to say about it, but that's one of the best lines I've ever read.

I adored this c: You're a brilliant writer, this is a brilliant story, and I want more of it. Please? c:

I agree with Alexander Bernadotte, your layouts are totally gorgeous, and this one has a sort of subtle beauty about it.

You pretty much leave me speechless with your metaphors. The one at the beginning of the story practically floored me.

I normally don't like fantasy stories, but this one hooked me in. I felt like I was being transported into this magnificent fairytale world gone awry.

This was my favorite line: Wild was the people, the stars in their eyes, and the light of the children.

*melts into a puddle*

You have got to continue this. I need it in my life!

Your layouts are insanely gorgeous - you have to teach me how to make 'em xD Anyhoo, you have a major way with words and that's a good thing. Like, whoa. I'm subbing (: <3