Her Father's Lies - Comments

While I like the hectic flow of this--I kind of feel like it doesn't really get across very well. At least not to me. I was sort of confused, and I might be the only one but I was not really understanding what you were trying to get across. And like said before me you switch between point of views and it doesn't really flow together well. Also there were quite a few spelling errors in there for example you spelled relationship wrong in one of the paragraphs--right now I can't be bothered to go through and find it..but yes. Also, there were a bunch of sort of awkward sentences in here that I think with a bit of proofreading could be fixed easily.

While I think I like where you're going with this I still feel like it could be improved some--just to make it flow easier and make more sense to dumb people like me. XD

The emotions in here are very strong; I could feel them for myself. You portrayed Sylvia's hurt, anger, and frustration very nicely. I felt sympathetic towards her.
Just one thing - you switch between first person and third person POV a few times in the middle of paragraphs. It kinda disturbs the flow of the story a bit.

Other than that though, great job!

[Sorry, hit enter before I meant to.]
I really thought you did a great job conveying the manipulation. I just think that was a very realistic approach about it, in relating it back to other characters that really wanted the best for her.

I really, really don't get this line: The news of which she discovered that her beloved father had done weakening her.
I mean, maybe I'm just an idiot but I reread it about four times and it just didn't make sense to me.

I think overall this conveyed a lot of emotion. I just think there were certain places where the flow was a little questionable.

You conveyed the right emotion very well here. It was written in a very clever way and it made it so clear what the emotion you were writing about was.

There was a few grammatical and spelling errors but just get a beta.

Your writing style is wonderful. Keep writing.

This was a really great to read, you convey emotions very well and I could feel them sort of seeping in. Like the commenter above, though, there are quite a bit of grammatical errors that could be easily fixed if you just read through it.

I think you had a firm grasp about what you wanted to convey in this one-shot, that I think you did you just have to be careful of the little thinks like the transitions between first person to third person.

Also, I think that you are clinging a lot to common cliche's that are really a part of some pieces on her that, I think, detract from your personal writing style! I do think you write wonderfully, but sometimes I felt while I was reading like you were trying to please your readers to much, writing sentences I could have read in so many other stories. The only that I'm thinking of right now is the way you described how her mascara ran from her eyes, in truly great detail, but I think you could have said a number of other things to set yourself apart from other writers to describe her physical sadness. Remember, you have your own unique style and writing isn't always about crowd pleasing!

I think that this was perfect for the contest though and you really picked out great words for it. Keep it up! Just remember to proofread!

This was very clever. You incorporated the word and emotion very well, and you portrayed the emotion in such a way that it was as though I could feel it myself.

The only mistakes I could find are that occasionally you have too many commas, or, in some cases, not enough. Try sounding out your sentences in your head, and seeing if they flow right. Also, you changed tense a few times, and once, instead of having it in third person it switched to first.

Please don't take offence to what I've said, because honestly, this was a great piece and exactly what I was hoping to read. The rest of your writing was flawless, and thanks so much for entering it!