Broken - Comments

"Pretty when they landed, reflecting my bedroom light, twinkling like snow."

Favorite line, although really, the whole thing was my favorite line. The repetition & choppy-ness in places was executed so nicely. I felt bad for Macy & at the same time wanted to keep reading to see what else was going to happen. This is really a wonderful piece.

The choppiness works SO well for this story and I really admire your talent of choosing the right style for your stories. You're very talented--keep it up. :)

I really like how short and to the point each sentence is. The choppy-ness works! This was unique and actually quite dark, I say. Anyway, great work!

I like the disjointed narrative -- the repetition, one-word sentences. It built suspense. This is written very well. Good work.

This is...I am stunned.

I'm speechless and crying.
This is just incredible.
I have felt all the emotions this girl has right now.

This is certainly a unique story, both in terms of the plot and of the style. I have to say I'm not sure if I'd want to see this style used generally for writing, but I think it really works in this context. The short, choppy sentences offer a great insight into the mind of Macy and her point of view.

I read it in the beginning thinking the voices were just an auditory hallucination and she was mentally disturbed, but the voices were real, although I still wonder if they were really as loud and threatening as she interpreted them to be. I get the sense she suffers from schizophrenia just based on the way she narrates the story. Her thought pattern is very racing, jumpy, extremely disorganised. She can't remember why items have been taken away from her and the fact they had to be taken away in the first place suggests to me that she's harmed herself in the past perhaps and now things have to be confiscated for her own protection. Although she clearly doesn't see it like that. She appears paranoid and delusional about her parents' intentions. Seems to me like they're trying to deal with this the best way they can and keep her safe and I feel like she's insistent they're out to harm her.

However, I'm wondering if she's considered such a danger to herself that she has to have bars on her windows and normal everyday items confiscated so she won't be able to cause damage, why leave things like CDs and the glass heart? Yes, the heart is a sentimental item from her grandmother, but if she can't have CD cases, because I assume she can break them, then why leave glass in her room that she can break and cut herself with? That's the only thing that stuck out to me as odd in an otherwise extremely bizarre piece. I immediately thought she can't have the extension cord because perhaps she's tried to hang herself or choke herself. Either way, I guessed she was suicidal and that would make sense with her parents calling the police to come help then. I just can't see why, if you have to take away a power cord for that reason, you'd leave glass in her room. It was the only thing that didn't make sense to me.

I hated theirscreams sirens.

The strikethrough seems out of place to me. Why is screams crossed out? I think you could leave it as screams and not mention sirens and it would go wonderfully with the rest of the story since this tantrum of Macy's started because she can't stand the yelling and screaming. She mentions that no screams equal freedom in her mind and the noise seems to set her off, so having it just be screams would keep that pattern. She calls them screams right before and we reading know they're sirens, but I'm not sure Macy would necessarily be able to distinguish the reality of them being harmless sirens from her delusional in which these noises seem to cause great distress and even physical harm to her.

That said, I liked how distinctive and peculiar this was. It's certainly something I've never read before, on Mibba or elsewhere, and I think you managed to portray the mind of a disturbed individual very well in this style. I loved the repetition and the unusual phrasing. It's definitely not an easy task to write something like this and write it well so I'm thoroughly impressed.

This was very different. I like that.

I think the way you chose to narrate this was very suiting to the story and the frame of mind of the main character, and I love that it's not the usual style of writing you find on Mibba - or anywhere else.

I think you did a good job of giving us a glimpse into how the character thinks - with the choppy fragmented sentences - but I would have liked to see a bit more of what she thinks, if that makes sense. Things like how she goes from one thought to another and how she rationalizes her thoughts - though I don't know how you'd even be able to work something like that into this story and retain that kind of frantic feel; I don't even know if you'd want to reveal so much about the character.

From the story, I gather she's suffering from some kind of psychological disorder - I'm thinking manic-depressive? (At first, I wasn't sure if she was hearing her parents or hearing voices.)

I like that you were able to show both sides of this story with just the one narrative. I mean, it's obvious that the character thinks her parents will harm her/hate her, but we (the readers) can also guess at how the parents really feel about her. I was stuck between "concerned parents trying to protect their daughter" and "frustrated parents who don't know what else to do." Reading this, I wondered if they had a diagnosis or if they just think their daughter is a 'wild' teen. On one hand they take away some of her things - like her stereo and computer - which seems more like punishment than protection, so I imagine they just thing she's a troubled teen. But on the other hand, they call the police/911 when she locks herself in the bedroom, which makes me think she's hurt herself in the past and they think she'll do it again - and if they know she's sick, why try punishing her?

I don't know...

Anywho, I really liked this. Though it left a lot of unanswered questions, it made me think a bit.

Sorry that it took me so long to leave you a comment. You commented on my blog over a month ago. And some stuff happened and I kind of let everything fade from my memory for a while.

This is absolutely beautiful. The style is so different and stands out so much from anything that I have read before. And it really adds to the effect. So does the repetition. It really fits the urgency and the quick-pace of this story.

And it's such an interesting idea. I feel myself relating to Macy and how trapped she feels in this room of hers. And you really incorporate her anger and her hysteria and the urgency of the situation.

Absolutely amazing! This story takes my breath away.

One thing that I would suggest is changing the tense in this sentence: I put my hands over my ears, gritting my teeth and shutting my eyes.

I would change gritting to gritted and shutting to shut. I dunno. Maybe it's just me. It sounds a little awkward. But it still works the way that it is.

This is honestly one of the best pieces I've ever read.

I loved the choppy style you used here. I just showed the urgency behind Macy's actions, her panic, and even that she was broken. It didn't hinder the story at all. In fact, it made it better.

Just like many of the others have said here, the only thing that threw me off was the strikethrough. It just made me stop and think "What?" It was a bit confusing.

All in all, this story was so wonderful and unlike anything I've ever seen on here. I loved it!

I wasn't sure how I would feel about the choppy format you used, but it worked so well with the story. There was such a cool rhythm to it and it really helped shape your character. I also like how simple the piece was, but the power behind the words was awesome.

Stories without dialogue are always so interesting to read, because you really just get into the setting and the thoughts of the character and you wrote everything so well. I loved how frantic everything was and how you wrote out Macy's thoughts; it was like we were inside her head.

The only line that threw me off was this one:
Cars. Speeding cars with flashing lights. Not fun flashing lights. I hated theirscreams sirens.
I didn't like how there was a strike through there. It strayed away from the frantic feel of everything because it was like she corrected herself and that doesn't seem to match the character that you've made.

Overall though, the story was so interesting and unique. Well done!

This is a very powerful piece. Even though it was choppy I enjoyed the sort of poetic flow. (that probably made no sense) kudos to you. I checked out the rules to the contest. I couldn't imagine writting anything without dialogue.

I love, love, love the choppy format of this. As much as it didn't flow, it did. If that makes any sense, which I doubt kinda. Writing it to the poetic rhythm was beautiful. I really just adored this. It was a fantastic read.

Wow, this is really good. I loved it. :)

I don't know if this was intentional or not, but there is a real rhythm to reading this story, it's almost poetic. The lines get longer as the story progresses but the meter has a nice pattern to it.

I like the simplicity of the writing, I think it represents the protagonist of the story well, who comes off to me as someone with maybe autism or a social disorder who is just sick of people talking and worrying about them.

"In went the TV cord into the socket. I turned the TV on. Cartoons. Cartoon Network was on. Courage the Cowardly Dog played."
I love how you referenced the weirdest cartoon on cartoon network in this weird little story; very fitting. But, even for a reader who knows nothing about the cartoon, the mere fact that the narrator decides to watch cartoons says something important about the situation at hand, and this is no mere temper tantrum.

"Cars. Speeding cars with flashing lights. Not fun flashing lights. I hated theirscreams sirens."
I'm not sure about striking out screams here. The narrator doesn't seem to be the type to censor or correct himself/herself, especially since a lot of the narration is so short and choppy. I don't see the literary function.

I really don't know if you meant this to be about someone autistic or not, but if so, the ending is great, with broken being used in the figurative sense of the word, but also the very literal sense the protagonist would understand, because he/she is physically harmed.

There is something really eerie about this story I liked. The protagonist's detachment from the whole situation, I think, is what creates that feeling, and it works so well. Great job!

I enjoyed this! Mainly because it was such an easy read, and because your writing is so beautiful. Great job!

I absolutely loved this! Thank you so so so much for recommending it to me! :)

I found the style pretty self-explanatory and was surprised to find you'd explained yourself in the editor's notes. It seemed to fit the story perfectly - I could imagine Macy, panicking and not thinking straight, rushing around, terrified and confused. The style seemed to reflect her state of mind well, even know I'm not entirely sure why she was that way (I'm assuming mental health issues, but the bars on the windows seemed sinister as well). I liked your one word sentences which were repeated in longer sentences, e.g. "Down. I simply had to press down." That seemed to give it a slightly poetic feel, as if the piece had been written as a poem but changed half way through into prose.

My favourite part was definitely when Macy smashed the glass heart. It added to the 'broken' feel of the story, as Macy's grandma seemed to be the only one not against her. “Glass spilled everywhere, shooting up at me as I covered my face” – I’m not sure if this was intentional but that line made me think of literal heartbreak.

I don’t think I have much criticism to give. I’m not too fond of the layout, but, that aside, this is great. I didn’t notice any mistakes, and the only thing I would suggest as improvement is varying your vocabulary, as I noticed you repeat descriptions, such as “gray bars”, several times. I think the repetition might be part of the style, but that’s pretty much the only criticism I have.

Overall, I enjoyed this. It was unusually powerful and deep for a oneshot.

This story made me think and you described the setting. A ton of ideas were going through my mind of what Macy was going through.

I absolutely loved this.

The choppy style really worked for this. I think it emphasized the fact that she was broken, and at the same time it reminds me of poetry. I could imagine everything that was happening, especially her emotions, and that's usually hard for me. The way you described everything was perfect. I've seen this story line before, but this one is definitely my favorite.

Amazing job. <3