Baby, Entertain Me - Comments

I ordinarily wouldn't read something like this, but I'm quite glad that I did.
Ordinarily, I'd hate the more explanation-heavy story rather than a more descriptive one, but somehow, you managed to make your telling into showing and the description where there is some is wonderful.

You have some really, really great character development between Lucien and Sera here. Usually, the kind of "forbidden love" stories are usually pretty clichéd, but yours was really wonderful.

I also thought that the ending was really great, kind of shattering the traditional love story ending. It may be a bit of a guilty pleasure, but I did really really enjoy it.

You write the sex scenes really well, which I applaud since I find them so, so awkward to write. They seem to flow off of the page (well, really screen) beautifully, and, well, I agree with basically everything that Roseh; new york said.

So yes, excellent work here!

I really enjoyed this.

Some of your description is wonderful. The line that first really caught me was "some pseudo-trendy affair filled with neon lights and young people in bizarre outfits." I love how you make the world of the party sound so foreign to Sera, and this instantly makes the reader empathise with her and get onto her side. There are a number of other gorgeous phrases you use as well, but that was the one that immediately caught my eye.

I also love the way you develop the passion between Lucien and Sera. You first make Sera seem almost out of her depth, saying that "she was drowning in his touches, in kisses, in desire and fire." I love the poetic phrasing of that sentence, and although the love still seems somehow "wrong", it also feels so, so right. Your sex scenes don't seem awkward and forced, but full of life and passion and romance and lust, which I love. You've pulled them off very well!

It's a fantastic story.

I'm commenting this while I read to prove I actually read it. "Please," she whispered. "Please what?" "I...I don't know. Just- Oh, god, please. I want-"
I have done that before(: And why the hell isn't she ready yet?! I mean, sex is sex, go for it!
She's ready? She's ready! Hehehe.
I could never write a sex scene, far too awkward. Oh god, now they're sex crazed.
Okay okay, I couldn't write the whole comment while reading. I was to busy staring at the words like this o_O. Anywho. That was really really well worded. And that's insane you can do stuff like that out of sheer boredom.

This was written amazingly.
Great job, it's awesome.
:3

Normally, I don't read dirty stuff like this, but I'm glad I did. And this was done out of sheer boredom, you say? It's sheer awesome! I hope you continue this. It's amazing <3

hm, first of all props for mentioning louisiana. second of all, if this is what you can do when you're BORED, i bet you'd be absolutely phenomenal when you were trying :O i'll have to go read some of your other stuff. third, i really enjoyed the progression of the characters in this story. the slow descent from Lucien loving her, wanting to protect her, to his greed and selfishness. it helps to show two very divergent sides of a very loved character. fourth, [just as an aside] i don't really have much criticism for this. i haven't seen your other work yet, so i can't really compare, but i know i'd like to see even MORE of your work on mibba. it's obvious you have talent, or at least a lot of potential, if you can't agree with the former. four and a half-th [i didn't want to exceed four, sorry], i liked that this was a STORY. a plain, no bullshit, STORY. in a weird way it seems like the kind of thing you would read to your kid before they went to sleep. it's nice to see something so honest every now and then. anyway...yeah. i wish there was a "like" button on mibba. i would press it now. this was extremely enjoyable.

Okay. That was an exceptionally outstanding piece of writing. If you have more of this standard, then I am sure you'd be able to get it published, should you wish to do so =]

It's captivating from the first sentence from the very last. It draws you in and doesn't let go.

Lucien totally had me fooled. The plot twist is surprising, and I didn't expect it at all. "Angel"...what a cute pet name. He just seemed so perfect for her. They seemed so in love...

It just shows you that no matter how believable and perfect someone seems, they could still be hiding things.

Breath-taking.

I'd love to have more to say, but my brain has kind of failed on me >_< If I think of anything else, I'll be sure to add it.

Oh, and one last thing. Those paragraph dividers are amazing :D

Loved it from start to finish <3

Normally, I can't read stuff this dirty, but I'm glad that I made the exception.

The message that is portrayed here is great. No matter who you are, how gorgeous, powerful, wealthy, whatever, anyone can use you and get you in trouble at any point, whether you're ready for it or not.

You wrote it so you could see Lucien change over the course of the piece. At first, I thought he was just a sweet little band guy that, like a cliche would follow, fall for the royal princess. Then, he started changing and becoming more demanding, up until the end where he just left.

This is really an incredible piece, and I loved reading it.

I really enjoyed this =] I don't tend to read things like this, but I thouroughly enjoyed reading this.

I knew Lucien was a bad guy =/ Right from when you said that Sera was seventeen and thought she was in love. But you did the whole thing so well. I loved Sera's innocence when it came to Lucien, and how Lucien could manipulate her so easily. The characters were very well-developed and believable, and very interesting to read about.

Personally, if I had written this myself, I would have made it into a two-shot, but I still read the whole thing in one go xD It was excellent and really captured my attention.

I wouldn't mind reading even more about Sera, actually. ^_^

The part in the Duchess's home had my breathing stuck in my troat. I had a feeling he was a bad guy. The relationship was pure and beautiful in a twisted way. It was almost like he wanted to destroy her and she knew she would soon be hurting. This was nothing short of brilliant. You have a beautiful talent with words. I can't get over how good this piece was.

Whoa, I just read the first few paragrapghs. I'm dazzled already. I'm gonna go back and read.

She pressed her body against him and encouraged him to take more, to take anything he wanted Alcohol had You're missing a period after wanted.

I loved the part with Emilee, and I thought it was more powerful than an affair would have been. Probably because that's what I was expecting to happen >.<

And then Lucien would take her home, would drive her crazy all over again, would try and make her forget there was anything in the world besides him. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't I loved these two lines.

I loved how raw and descriptive this piece was, and how well it captures the reader's attention. I loved how much you were able to show the two characters develop, and it didn't seem rushed. The only thing that I didn't like so much was the ending. I thought it was kind of cliche and predictable, and didn't live up to the rest of the story. Other than that though, awesome job :)

If you could please comment on this :)

that was an intense start and very well done. Heart pounding stuff and you are very good at imagery. I wasn't expecting the ending really so very good on that part. All in all a very good story.

This was pretty good, and your writing is pretty good too.
Good job :)

I like this. It's not really my type of story but I still like it.
The picture wasn't my favourite part though >.<