I would like to thank you once again for entering two one shots in my contest. It's sad to say but this is the final Fan Fiction One Shot that I will be judging by you. I enjoyed reading both of your stories and I want to thank you once more.
I thought the first paragraph was well written. I thought that it exposed Cassadee as a person and I thought that it was well done. It was great to see who Cassadee was so early on because it would a lot of time in the story to see even more be exposed to the reader and I liked that. I also liked that her place to find peace was in the subway. I think that was a nice little touch and I haven't really read something like that before so it was a nice thing to read. I also love that she was a hockey fan! I like how you made her be so into her work and how you gave such a deep setting to where she was. I loved how The Staals came out as a subtle piece of work at the start of when they walked in. There was attention drawn over to them, but at the same time it wasn't too intense and didn't take away from the story. I really liked how you made Marc and Jordan interact with one another. It would be like real brothers would interact and I also felt like I could see Jordan and Marc saying that and having that way of talking to each other. It felt like they were really having that conversation. I loved how all the characters interacted and the cheeky feel to the story. The story was very cute and that's not a bad thing. It was fun and light and pretty simple. I liked how the characters were the heart and soul of the story. I also loved that you brought Marc into the story. That was a nice touch, I love the Staals so that worked out nicely for me having Marc be in the story. I liked how she took matters into her own hands and made the important step to what they could have had. I liked the length of the story a lot, I thought that the length was near perfection. I thought that it had a nice amount of detail and was really well carried out. I liked the flow and the structure of the story as well. I thought it was really well thought out and it looked like a lot of work went into it and it showed. I sensed some passion and that was important. I also believed the attraction between Jordan and Cassadee, that was key to this story.
There were a few things that maybe didn't fit so well in the story. I would say the ending didn't do it for me. I thought that the last line totally took away from the maturity of the rest of the story. It had no passion and nothing to leave me saying wow. The start of the story wowed me a little more than the ending. I thought with the rest of the story being as strong as it was for your first one shot, that it fell really flat. It really didn't pop or make it memorable. The ending is a key point in a story and it left me a little down. The lyrics were a nice touch, but the ending needed maybe another paragraph or maybe just a couple of sentences to actually make it worthwhile. I was expecting more of an ending. I think that I wish there was more of those moments like when she took the headband off her hair. I thought moments like that were genius and I wished there was maybe just two more of those what I call "freeze" moments because it would have brought the story someplace really special. Even more special than what it already way.
Overall for this being your first one shot, I would say that it was a really great and it had very special moments. I thought that it was a great story to have read. Good Luck to you!
I thought the first paragraph was well written. I thought that it exposed Cassadee as a person and I thought that it was well done. It was great to see who Cassadee was so early on because it would a lot of time in the story to see even more be exposed to the reader and I liked that. I also liked that her place to find peace was in the subway. I think that was a nice little touch and I haven't really read something like that before so it was a nice thing to read. I also love that she was a hockey fan! I like how you made her be so into her work and how you gave such a deep setting to where she was. I loved how The Staals came out as a subtle piece of work at the start of when they walked in. There was attention drawn over to them, but at the same time it wasn't too intense and didn't take away from the story. I really liked how you made Marc and Jordan interact with one another. It would be like real brothers would interact and I also felt like I could see Jordan and Marc saying that and having that way of talking to each other. It felt like they were really having that conversation. I loved how all the characters interacted and the cheeky feel to the story. The story was very cute and that's not a bad thing. It was fun and light and pretty simple. I liked how the characters were the heart and soul of the story. I also loved that you brought Marc into the story. That was a nice touch, I love the Staals so that worked out nicely for me having Marc be in the story. I liked how she took matters into her own hands and made the important step to what they could have had. I liked the length of the story a lot, I thought that the length was near perfection. I thought that it had a nice amount of detail and was really well carried out. I liked the flow and the structure of the story as well. I thought it was really well thought out and it looked like a lot of work went into it and it showed. I sensed some passion and that was important. I also believed the attraction between Jordan and Cassadee, that was key to this story.
There were a few things that maybe didn't fit so well in the story. I would say the ending didn't do it for me. I thought that the last line totally took away from the maturity of the rest of the story. It had no passion and nothing to leave me saying wow. The start of the story wowed me a little more than the ending. I thought with the rest of the story being as strong as it was for your first one shot, that it fell really flat. It really didn't pop or make it memorable. The ending is a key point in a story and it left me a little down. The lyrics were a nice touch, but the ending needed maybe another paragraph or maybe just a couple of sentences to actually make it worthwhile. I was expecting more of an ending. I think that I wish there was more of those moments like when she took the headband off her hair. I thought moments like that were genius and I wished there was maybe just two more of those what I call "freeze" moments because it would have brought the story someplace really special. Even more special than what it already way.
Overall for this being your first one shot, I would say that it was a really great and it had very special moments. I thought that it was a great story to have read. Good Luck to you!