Cinderelliot - Comments

I must say before I even get in to reading this story that I absolutely love your banner. It’s stunning. Gorgeous. Beautiful. Impactful. I could go on and on with neverending adjectives, but I’ll leave it at that and simply say I love your banner. And the summary that you gave me, it’s lovely. It goes with the banner well, and it makes me eager to start reading already.

Chapter One: Once Upon A Time

I love the contrast in the first sentence with the phrase drowning in the drizzle of rain. I’ve never seen something phrased quite that way, and it’s lovely to say the least. To say the best, it’d take up way too much space on this word document that I’m typing in, so as I’ve said twice before with how amazing your work is, I’ll leave it at that. I also like how you described the purple of his shirt as bright without being neon. Though, for some reason when you said ‘dinosaur’, I immediately thought of Barney. I’m not sure if that’s what I was supposed to think of, but it makes the first paragraph humorous, and I’m not sure if that’s the emotion you want me as a reader to feel right now. I just thought I’d point it out. ^_^

I like the way he talked to himself as well. Most people do that from time to time, whether or not it’s said that it’s a sign of insanity, and I like how you made this story just that little bit more realistic by throwing that in there. It fleshes out what’s promising to be a beautiful story so far. And I’m only in the second paragraph.

The character depth that you gave Olivia Barker is just…cheeseworthy amazing-ness. I believe that’s a new word, and it’s been invented just for you. I like how you went into detail again; that’s becoming a common occurrence with your work, and I think that even past these three reviews that I’m giving you from the contest, I’m going to continue reading your work. It’s got wonderful grace, elegance, and style to it that not many writers on Mibba have got down to a fine art like you seem to.

I think the story with the bat in his half of the loft makes for a cute story that also shows character insight and depth, and I especially like how you named the bat. It gives him someone to talk to, and it really does remind me of the little mice in Cinderella, which just makes me happy because they’re like, my favorite Disney animal characters ever. So I like Alfred already, and I’m glad you added this little detail into the story.

I like how you added in Luke discreetly, as though he’s not really going to be a big deal when we know that he’s going to be a huge deal by the end of this. Just thought I’d throw that out there. His appearance wasn’t all Bam!, in your face. It was subtle, and subtle is good for me. It fits with the pace of the story thus far. Makes for a nice read, like a nice, steady stream. Man, was that a cheesy line.

Easy going personality and brilliant basketball skills. Hmm, for some reason, when I read those two details together, one person comes to mind. Matt Sanders, from Avenged Sevenfold. I know this isn’t an Avenged fanfiction, but that definitely brings Mattie to mind.

I like Sarah’s attitude in this. She reminds me of one of my friends, and in that dorky kind of way, I’m now thinking of the character as my friend. I said it before, I’ll say it again, and I’m saying it now—you have amazing talent at detail, my friend. It’s absolutely amazing how you pull in seemingly small details and weave together this wonderful masterpiece that’s so much fun to read already.

I bet he’s poker straight anyway. That had me giggling. I loved that line. I just had to tell you that. Poker straight. It has me envisioning someone taking a fire poker and poking Matt Sanders in the butt with it. Like I said, I do have a strange sense of humor. XD

Chapter Two: And They Lived Happily Ever After

I just love how he all of a sudden changed his mind when he got to the party and Sarah left the doors locked giving no options but for him to suck it up and go inside the party. In her own, caring way, I think she was doing it as a confidence booster; to help him do what he really wants to do, but is too afraid to do it. Perhaps I’m digging too deep into the story and completely pulling that out of my ass, but it’s a theory that I like. ^_^

The way I’m envisioning his costume makes me think, Damn. A guy who’s better at putting together a costume than me. And he doesn’t exist why?. This story just keeps getting better, and I’m enjoying it immensely.

Awwww. Luke was nice to him! It made me get all warm and fuzzy inside, like all those cute romance movies you watch in the wintertime when it’s too cold to watch anything else. XD It was so cute. And then when it came out that he was gay, it made it even cuter for me. I really liked how you worked it. And how you said Stupid in-the-closet Lucas. It was just amazing. Such a simple sentence, but so powerful at the same time. It shows all of his emotions, and I love it.

I loved when Lukas kissed him. It was adorable. And then when the girl saw him making out with him, and the look of horror, and my God, you’re an amazing writer. Just…amazing. End of.

I wanted to give Elliot a big hug when he woke up the next morning, and just huggle him. I can relate to him in a way, and it hurts when something similar like that happens in real life to you, so now I’m pulling my own emotions in, and I can really sympathize with him about the party and Luke, and the kiss and his crush and everything.

I noticed that you called Mrs. Barker Mrs. Baker at the end, I just thought I’d point that out to you. So far, that’s the only error I’ve seen in your story, and that’s amazing. ^_^

Oooh, that bitch. I’mma knock her out. Who does she think she is, the queen of France? Grr. I dislike her. I’ll shove her in the pantry and see how she likes it. Oh yeah, that’s right…forgot that this is all fiction. The way you write it is just so realistic that I was…well, yeah. XD

The ending is simply superb. I love how you had him speak all at once, showing how nervous and anxious and everything he is, and then when Luke grabbed his hand, it just made me even more happy. It’s truly a great ending, and even though I’m sad that I have to stop reading, it couldn’t have been written better.

:O

This is alot more than brilliant. I loved it.

I wanted to have a chance to stun everyone with my skills with macaroni and glitter

And then he got his wish! And they lived happily ever after!

:D