The Riverbed - Comments

I love this. Very unique, very chilling.
You do a really good job with writing the uneasy/terrified scenes when Hannah reads the notes - I really could visualize the moments in my head, and I could feel the terror. That was really great.
In chapter 3, there were a few slip-ups when you used Erika instead of Hannah, but other than that, this was absolutely flawless.

This was very intresting.I liked the layout and how detailed and clear the setting was.

I love this! Very suspenseful. That guy was creepy.

In Chapter 3 there were a few instances where you wrote Erika instead of Hannah.

You have great description, but the ways you described Tasha were kind of.. off. It would have been a better description if you had kept it in one paragraph.

All in all, great job. I definitely want to read more.

This is really good so far. I loved the first chapter, how it started out so innocent and ended up horrifically. I think you transitioned beautifully there, so great job. I love the main character, but I would like to get more of a feel for her. I feel like the story is moving fast and I don't know her very well.

I love the layout, it's beautiful, and I also smiled when you mentioned 'Oakville' because there is a small town near where I'm from called Oakville.

I've just read the first chapter, and I'm intrigued. There's always such an interesting thing to me about child murders, not in a good way but they always make very fantastic stories. And especially twins, not going to lie but I've always been terrified of twins. They've always just creeped me out to no end. Even the twins I'm friends with, they scare me. lol I would've liked to see more detail in this, I would've liked to see more fear from Hannah as she's looking for her sister, maybe she walks a bit further and calls out to her and actually looks for her instead of just assuming she's gone. I don't think I would've panicked like that, I probably would've thought she was just off walking around and wait for her. Childish mind, you know? But otherwise very good start.

I don't have anything against twin stories, but since most of the ones I've seen were based on twincest, I've steered clear. This one really seems interesting, though. Hope you update soon, because I'm definitely subscribing =]

Oh my goodness, this was great. It took me forever to read because my friend is being annoying, but it was wonderful. The creepy guy scared me, and I wonder who is out to get her. I also hope that her sister is not dead. Somehow.
You did wonderful.(:

Oh, my God, you updated! :D Finally! Oh, and I'm probably gonna re-read this and give you a better comment than I did last time (:
Prologue: This prologue always got me. It's amazingly written, beautiful, and very, very sad. Poor Erika D: I can't say much else about it; I love it so much <3
Chapter 1: Ew, creepy guy! Ugh, I got such bad goosebumps when he burst into the picture. Anyways, I loved everything everything about this chapter. The feelings, the emotions - everything was there. Like dexter said, it was very interesting and it's making excited to find out what happened next. However, I felt so terrible for Erika D:! How could you do that, creepy dude whom I want to kill?! D:
Chapter 2: Tasha opened the hood of her gold jaguar, a gift for Hannah's sixteenth birthday. Jaguar should be capitalized :] And seriously beeyotch, you got a freakin' Jag for your birthday?! I want one xD Haha! Anyways, like dexter said, this chapter was very fluent. I really liked it (: Amazing job! <3

I really can't wait till you update this again :D <3

...locks, and soak through the skin of their scalp.
The comma after locks isn't necessary. It kinda makes me stop and doesn't make it sound as fluent as it should.
Just a thought, though.

“Hey, Erika,” the other girl, Hannah, spoke in her small quiet voice,
Just a comma there.

First chapter was rather interesting. There was something off, though. Maybe the detail, I felt as if in some places you placed too much of it and in other places too little. Meh, I don't know.

Chapter two was more fluent, I liked it! I'm really excited as to how you will be unfolding this story. I'm subscribing. Update soon!

I really loved this. The layout is absolutely amazing. My only complaint is that though you pack a lot of imagery into this, the plot seems to be a bit rushed in the chapters. Like instead of letting the paragraphs flow together you just state things, if you get what I mean. I didn't explain it well so I don't blame you if you don't XD

Anyway this is a really interesting concept, and I can't wait to see where you go with it :)

This is really good. I love the way you describe things. You obviously have a natural talent. XD

The layout was great, too.

The only problem I happened to see was this "Erika wasn't sitting on the dock, in fact, Erika wasn't anywhere."

It should be, "Erika wasn't sitting on the dock. In fact, Erika wasn't anywhere."

It would just flow better, imo.

Overall, great job!

Your*

LFSLJES.

You're writing style is so wonderful and unique. The layout is also very nice - I think it matches perfectly. (: The plot is amazing, I'm very intrigued. You have a way of keeping me interested. I definitely am looking forward to more updates. I'm subbing. Wonderful job! <3 (:

Okay, I absolutely love the layout on this story, it gives off a kind of peaceful vibe, I guess how you would say it; although I'm not so sure if that's how you could describe it.

I love how the words flow together; whenever I read mine, I feel they're a bit too choppy. Whenever I focus on one thing to include in my story, I leave other things behind xD Like, if I try to work in details, like show them the scenery, I miss out on um, something like the structure of the sentence. :P

Anyhoo, I couldn't believe my eyes, the girl got murdered! But I'm just wondering if she went to the forest, how did her bow fall into the water? :/ That part's just a bit confusing to me. Maybe it's because my brain's half-asleep. I have an idea of what's going to turn out, but I'll share it with you later.

Good job. I'm subscribing :)

I think I kind of want to molest you for writing such an awesme and thrilling story.
Gah, update now, please!
This is so god damn awesome and the plot is really interesting.
Keep writing, please. :D

Whoa! The ending of the second chapter was not at all what I was expecting. And this is really keeping me on the edge of my seat. I wanna see what happens next. :]
This is really good and made me shiver at the ending. It's well written and I can see myself there with Hannah.

Like mention earlier, the beginning kind of sounded like you were trying to hard. I've learned the hard way that if you try to force something, it never comes out like you want it :/. However, I like the plot of this story, and you definitely grab my attention! Update soon!

Dude, I would be so creeped out if I found a note in some random public place saying,
"Stop running" (x
No but, this story so far is quite intriguing.
I'm curious to know how Erika was murdered. o;
So, I'm subscribing.

Also, I would like to add this was well written, you're very good at writing
(:

I do believe I commented on this already, but I'll do it again.

I don't think the other twin is dead. I think she like, grew up somewhere else and was brainwashed into mot remembering her old life. xD

But maybe that's just me aha.

Anyways, I love you style or writing. It's simple and unique.
Very good (:

Oh my. It's so sad that her sister was murdered.

I love this, and I hope you update very soon, because the whole time while reading Iwas on the edge of my seat!

Stop running away.

Because I can run faster than you

Pure gold. This story is amazing. The best. Keep it up