September 1st, 2010 at 01:35am
I really liked this. Somehow, to me, it felt really raw and honest. You have a lovely writing style that drew me in and I really liked some of the imagery you used ( The concrete wiggles with heat waves). I also loved this sentence for some reason: She is lovely and her smile makes me grin because she doesn't like to wear her dentures. The sex totally shocked me since it was in the same paragraph as his grandmother’s cherry pie, and the way you phrased it was so mater-of-fact.
The only thing which slightly ruined the flow for me was this: I can't stand the way your voice sounds and you don't like how altruistic I am. I’m not sure if anyone would use the word ‘altruistic’ in casual conversation, and after sex. But then again, I don’t know your character- maybe she does.
I really loved the last sentence; it really stuck with me. Overall, this piece isn’t perfect, but like I said, it’s raw and honest. And I’ll take raw and honest over perfect anyday. Good job. :)
Your use of runons is brilliant. Sometimes they seem a little tedious, but the content of them really makes up for it. Your line about their bodies fitting like a pair of puzzle pieces was absolutely great. That's a comparison you really only hear in cliched stories, so seeing it pulled off so smoothly is absolutely perfect.
How Ernie became alone and then how she too left him makes me a tad sad. I wish she'd stuck it out for him, but I can also understand; presumably, she's a teenager in a summer relationship, and it's too much for her to handle.
Very good job ;3