Tingle - Comments

Reviewed as requested.

Sorry it took me so long; but I'll try to do this right. (I'm reviewing as I read through the story)

Title - Tingle
Made me think immediately of drugs and druggies. Sorry if it's a little off the mark, but my mind works that way. But also of sex and ~tingly~ stuff. o.O

Rated: 10/10

Layout & Banner
Awh! Even though I'm not a huge fan of pink, your banner sets the whole thing apart. I like the picture; reminds me a little of Japanese or Chinese paintings with its color.

Rated: 10/10

Content
Chapter One
I didn't understand any of it; they used to be so close. Now it seemed like everyone was drifting apart.
^These words, although simple, hold so much emotion in them. The hopelessness that something terrible, and yet inevitable, was unfolding really speaks through the screen.

I awoke to the sounds of sirens and to the smell of heavy smoke.
^I know this might just be a personal preference thing, but you can shorten this sentence and improve flow. It sounds a little off as it is. Maybe; I awoke to the sounds of sirens and the smell of heavy smoke. < Not a huge change but I'm that kind of reader. Meh - ignore this. I'm being paranoid.

Even though I was completely stoned, though, something clicked in my brain.
^Repetition of though? You could take the second though out and it'll sound better; like this> Even though I was completely stoned, something clicked in my brain.

Ada sounds like an emotional wreck; I think her pessimism is getting to me - which is good. Your descriptions and emotional tone makes her seem very real.

Chapter Two
Sine I hear the name I couldn't help but wonder who named it.
^Since and heard?

She was really fucked up when I handled her in my arms.
^You could change handled to had or something else. That word seems more suited for something that involves hands and not arms. And plus, it sounds a little kinky when it's put this way. >.<

I felt a rise between my legs and looked away again, this time really embarrassed.
^What? Is Naomi a girl or a guy? o.O What's rising?!

I wanted to reach out to her, wrap my arms around her and whisper sweet things in her ear.
^Awh. :( This is sweet!

I slipped her hand into mine and kissed the top of it.
^A little WTF moment, because they're still pretty much complete strangers but I'm not going to ruin the moment.

Go on...

Chapter Three
And as Naomi stirred, almost awake, I heard her pulse beating throughout the room. I felt her skin lift off of my own and saw her smile at me, big and wide
^ This was again, really sweet. It's as if she's so sensitive to her girlfriend that she can literally feel everything that is Naomi.

The whole chapter was charming, sweetly worded and cute.

Overall; it was cute. It had a sweet tune to it; one that I found refreshing after having read so much gore for the past few hours. Good work on this!

Rated: 8/10

I read all the comments above me to see what other people think of your entry.
I like that you have lots of comments, so I can see if people agree with me or not - and what they think about it.

I do agree with most of the things! You described everything really well, I could imagine how everything looked like.
I've said it to almost everyone, I think, and you're not an exception. I have a plot for every song in mind. It's really good if you write something completely else, and not go with the obvious plot. It's a huge plus for me (:

Overall, you followed every rule. You did a great job!

It's really well written.
The problem is that I'm not into femme-slash, or slash.
So I can't say much, and it's not for me.

You're lovely at keeping things interesting. <3

Right from the beginning, I was hooked. That first phrase and the simple emotion put behind it captured my attention immediately. The character is very relatable, especially for someone like me who has an overbearing mom. I thoroughly enjoyed getting that perspective of someone who has had enough and is trying to cope the best that they can. And the first chapter blew me away, especially the ending.

I was not expecting the perspective change on the second chapter, but I liked it. The firefighter's p.o.v. really helped me see that the girl was in fact very much a stoner, which I wasn't sure about in the first chapter. I loved the whole comforting her thing. I'm not one for slash, but I think this was done in extremely good taste.
Again, not one for slash, but I just adored how throughout the entire tragedy, they got together in the end. The incorporation of the song was absolutely breath taking. I adored this, and it isn't even a style that I would consider reading! Amazing job. The layout looks great too. Thank you for reccing this for me. :)

This is superrrrrrrrr great. Just great. :o

chapter one~
i really liked the way you desrcibed her character,
i think everyone gets like that with their parents.
so good job, on making her seem realistic.
i loved your use of details, great job. {:

chapter two~
oh,
naomi. :3
i loved her character, oh so cute&kinda awkward.
she had the funniest lines, and she just seemed to click with ada so well.
i loved this chapter, more than the first. <3

chapter three~
i was a bit confused by the giant time skip.
but you made up for that with the rest of the chapter.
i like how you implied their "fun" without going into details,
they just made the cutest couple.
and the last line too it, fit perfectly.
it was really...wow.

overall~
i love this.
it was genuinely a very good piece of work.
you're talented, and i really liked this.
<3

This was amazing. I loved every part of it. It's very honest and the detail is perfect. You did a brilliant job on this. :)

Chapter One:
"Opening the bag, I got a good whiff of yuck. What was the smell? Whatever it was, it was disgusting. I concluded that Gertrude had gotten into my room somehow and farted all over my bed. It seemed plausible."

^^ That's gross but, It did make me laugh.
"I fell out of my savior's arms and tried to stand. It was working this time, but my head started hurting even more than it did when I was crawling. But I wanted to stand; I didn't want people to see me as a stoned fuck up. Even though it's what I was."
^^ I like how she knows who she is, even though she doesn't want other people to know.

Chapter Two:
"She touched my thigh. She was so close to my -- "I need you to tell me. How should I repay you?"
^^ I really like her personality. That's such a classic line.

"She couldn't say it. I nodded so she knew I understood. I slipped her hand into mine and kissed the top of it. She looked up at me, eyes glimmering with hope and sadness. We just stayed there like that for a while, me holding her hand and her staring at me mysteriously. I wanted to understand."
^^ I want him to understand! I love how she is misunderstood.

Chapter Three:
Im kind of confused. Was the firefighter a girl?

Other than being a bit confused here and there, I really loved this. It's rather cute :]

You just.

Wow.

o.o

I can't even. Um. Wow.

Close to the best piece of writing I've read. Ever.

Wow.

:O
Oh, I love this.
There was something about the way you captured the scenes in chapter one. I could see them perfectly, really.
I could make a personal connection with how her family is drifting apart, too. It struck a chord with me.
Over all, this was great. <3

Chapter 1:
"Can't I ever just get a break in this house?!" I slammed my door and fell on top of my bed.
^^ That sounds like something I would do in my house or say! Haha,
and the part about her parents being worry-warts, sounds just like my parents! D;
Also about popping the pills, it reminds me of some of my druggie friends, haha, just felt like throwing that out there.

I hoped it wasn't my mom, no matter how retarded I thought she was.
hahaha that was great, made me laugh.

~

Chapter 2:
This Anna chick looked like a total stoner.
^^ Hahah, people at my school, their first impression of me is either, "Pot head/stoner" or "emo" (x

I felt a rise between my legs and looked away again, this time really embarrassed.
haha oh gosh, you write the greatest things, seriously.
That made me laugh, I love this so far, bahah xD.

Aw, this was so cute, I loved it, so well written (:

~

Chapter 3:

Ch'awwh. So adorable <3
This is just a cute story over all, I loved it!
Honestly, and I loved how well you wrote it.
Just amazing.