August 11th, 2010 at 11:43pm
Thank you for entering the contest and getting your entry in on time! It's much appreciated.
Anyway, I love the banner. It was adorable and tied in with the story very well since your secret was 'you haunt my dreams' and you used a dream catcher.
I think this story was very good. I found very few grammar mistakes which is always a positive in my book. Same with spelling mistakes. I absolutely love how you ended your story with the secret and decided to keep it a secret instead of having Aaron tell Chris the secret and they live happily ever after. It was a bit different, and I liked that. However, Oreo's name sort of gets on my nerves. If you're going to have a character that is nicknamed Oreo, please explain why since it's just awkward and random to name a kid after a cookie. In the beginning of the story, I honestly though his parents were stupid enough to name him that.
Also, I understand that everything in italics are memories, but all you need is italics. You have quotation marks around italics that have absolutely no dialogue. You only need quotation marks with dialogue, nothing else.
Oreo wasn’t homophobic. He was gay and perfectly ok with it. He just didn’t like that blonde faggot. I didn't really appreciate this line all that much. I only have my character's call someone a faggot if they're a bully since the word is just demeaning and hurtful to homosexuals. It made me a bit mad that Oreo would use such a term when he himself is gay. You said it yourself and I just don't think it made sense. Because this line stuck out to me in the story, it confused me when you then said he had a little school yard crush on Chris. Which is it? Does he not like Chris, does he have a crush on Chris, or does he hate that he is crushing on Chris? You're sort of contradicting yourself a bit.
With that said, I enjoyed your entry. It wasn't cliche and that earns you major points in my book. I think using the same characters for a bunch of things is a good idea and I also believe you explored your secret well. (:
and thank you for submitting your entry so soon.
The banner was definitely cute. I liked how it coincided with the title of your entry,
and they layout was also the colors of the night sky, which reflect the idea of sleep.
Good showmanship there, definitely.
I really don't understand why you chose to name your character "Oreo." If you are going to chose an odd name such as that, I think it would have been a nice idea to include why he was named, or nick-named, that. It makes me think of a cat, rather than a teenange boy.
Did he have a white stripe in his hair? Was he bi-racial? Were his parents some type of food fanatics? Something to that extent.
I found myself becoming slightly confused in places while I was reading. I think the way you phrased certain sentences threw me off a little. Like, this line for example: "Oreo had just had another dream about him. For the first time in a month, he felt like he was finally going sane. No longer was he having dreams about the guy he was forced to call his friend. No more dreams about holding his hand and kissing him. That is until tonight." Did that mean he was going insane, or felt normal about having the dreams? And why was he forced to call the boy his friend? Little words like that made the entry muddled in places.
This also confused me, and offended me slightly:
"Oreo wasn’t homophobic. He was gay and perfectly ok with it. He just didn’t like that blonde faggot. That kid has had too many problems. He’s been abused, cheated on, and used for sex. Oreo isn’t the guy you go to when you need to be consoled. He was the guy you stay away from because he could beat you into a pulp." I found your use of the word "faggot" to be useless and not needed in this format. And did you mean that Oreo didn't like Chris because he had problems? That just seems unrealistic and downright mean. I just wasn't sure what you were trying to say at times.
Did you take some time to proof read this entry?
I did happen to notice spelling and grammar issues.
There were't an abundance of them, but there were enough to tell.
"He would’ve removed it if he wasn’t reminded of the first day Chris and him met."
I think that might need to be changed to "he and Chris met" or "he met Chris."
And in the beginning I noticed that you had "when" instead of "wind".
You also used the incorrect form of "your" or "you're" in a few places.
Just little things like that caught my eye, but it isn't anything terrible that cant be fixed
with some proof reading.
I did enjoy your use of description within the story. I liked the way you described your character's physical appearances, it flowed nicely and was believeable.
I think this was my favorite line: "When the guy started to talk, Oreo nearly melted like candle wax." I just liked the phrasing, and the comparison here. Nice job with that. (:
I found this to be stereotypical at times, especially the drunk parents and how Chris' boyfriend only "used him for sex." I just see that so often in "slash" stories, it didn't really do anything for me.
I really am confused about the relationship between Chris and Oreo.
Does Oreo love Chris?
Does he dislike him?
Does he dislike him because he loves him?
Other than those elements, good effort overall.
You did a wonderful job making your secret an essential part of the plot,
and you conveyed the chracter's turmoil over the secret well.
Once again,
thank you for entering,
and good luck. (: