Is Anybody Out There? - Comments

Okay, I admit, I clicked even though you crossed it out and all. I couldn't help it.

The story's right up my alley, no rosie posie love stories etc etc. I hope you reconsider your decision to... uhmm... not enter my contest?

Loving the details!

There's going to be a sequel btw >.>

Kegan sounds beautiful Cash...I loved it.

I like how you tied everything together, like a Christmas present with a big bow on it.

I hope you make it a story, rather than a one-shot! :D

o.o Dammnn, do they rule the commenting.
I told Lisa you entered when I showed you, she said thank you.
The was really really good. <3
I loved it Cash.
I love this and the banner was o.o catchy.
>]
Good job love<3

First of all, thank you so much for entering our contest,
and also for getting your entry submitted quickly and efficiently.
I always appreciate that, because people flake out a lot when they
enter contests, and it gets rather annoying for judges at times.
So thanks. (:

I really, really loved the layout and the banner you used.
Black, read, and white are very simple and classy colors,
and they mesh well together nicely. The title also tied in
nicely with the plot of the story, as well as the ending and
beginning. Nice job with summing things up and being fairly
consistent throughout the piece.

You did a good job with making your secret an essential
part of the story, good job there. It was easy to see that
the weight of Jared's secret was hard for him to cope with.
You definitely took a different spin on the secret, as I never
thought you would have him actually see the ghost of Kegan.

Your entry did contain grammatical errors,
such as random capitilization and sentense fragments.
Just take some time to read through the entry and proof read,
and you should be able to work out those kinks. At times, the entry
did come off as cliche' and random, but I do understand you were
trying to illuminate how important the relationship was to Jared.
The entry seemed to be a little rushed in places, and it sounded
a little like rambling in places. I think it was the sentense fragements, though,
and you can always go back and edit them through proof reading.

Once again,
thank you for entering.
Good effort on this piece, I can tell you worked hard to describe your secret.
Good luck in the contest. (:

Thank you so much for not only entering the contest, but getting your entry in rather early. It is much appreciated by my co-judge and I. I'd like to apologize if my comment sounds a bit snippy in any way. My computer has continuously gone in and out with its connection and this is literally my tenth time typing up this review.

I want to say that I absolutely love your banner. Original banners are greatly appreciated by my co-judge and I and yours was definitely original and creative. The title of the entry tied in beautifully, as did the title of the one-shot's chapter. Hell, the beginning and the end of the actual story content tied in with the banner, which I think was actually well though out. Good job with that.

I see the ghost of you everywhere I turn. I see that smile and those eyes. They're killing me on the inside. I absolutely loved the way you opened the story and it set the tone for the story very well. They were short, sweet, and simple sentences, but they were powerful. Sometimes the simple things are better than elaborate sentences that can be extremely easy to mess up or confusing to the younger readers of mibba or those that lack a wide vocabulary.

Your grammar could use a bit of work though. You have a lot of random words capitalized in sentences. An example that I saw that was continuously repeated throughout the entry was when you were describing Kegan's gray eyes. You kept capitalizing the word "gray" as well as spelling it wrong. Also, a lot of your sentences aren't sentences, but fragments. You used a lot of periods and started new sentences when you really should have just put a comma and continued the thought from where it began. Otherwise, the rest of your mistakes are rather simple ones that you can catch if you were to go into your story archive and re-read the entry while proof-reading or using spell check. Your main problem, in my opinion, is sentence fragments.

I like how your secret was a main focus in the story, though you took it in a completely different direction than Lisa and I thought you would. We didn't think you'd portray the secret in its literal sense, and it's sort of refreshing that you actually did. It's good when writing is original and not easy to figure out. I also enjoyed the way you put your flashbacks to good use, though I hate how Jared basically blames himself for Kegan's death. I think you could have introduced your flashbacks a bit more cleanly too since they sort of came out of nowhere.

However, at times the story seemed a bit cliche and unoriginal, like the kiss in the rain. I could see it coming and it was just a bit bland for me because I could see it coming. However, that specific flashback seemed a bit out of place for me. I have no clue why, but it did.

At times, the entry just seemed to be rambling, though that's probably because of the sentence fragments.

You have potential. (: