Valencia - Comments

Comment Swap!
Alright, I really need to start by saying that oddly, I've never read a slash before! I'm really happy this was the first one that I got to read because it was extraordinarily well written! Your descriptions are wonderful. I was honestly a bit afraid to read it when I saw it was slash, but I really do love this story. It was poetic and beautiful and tragic. You're a fascinating writer. Keep up the amazing work! <3

I have come via comment swap. :)

This is really, really amazingly written which I know is a God given talent. The way you put words together, the way they form in a sentence, and especially how you make words come to life in my head. Great, great job. Keep writing! :)

I love this too much to put into words. You write beautifully. Keep working with words. They suit you.

“Walking around in the rain as punishment? That is so Catholic of you, Ryan.” This bit, this bit right here, it just sort of made everything click for me. Because it was kind of like that, for him, like he was doing it to cleanse his sins, or his perceived sins anyway. I've always been told that when it rains, it means the heavens are open and God will listen to your prayers and all that, so it kind of felt to me like Ryan was praying, sort of, wishing for something better for Brendon. Not so much himself - I don't think he feels like he deserves it, not really. Because he wasn't really asking for forgiveness or anything because he didn't want forgiveness, he wanted to be punished, because of his black thumb, because everything he touches turns to shit, because he kind of hates himself a little for what he's done.

I'm not the biggest fan of Ryan, but I wanted to hug him so much after I finished this, just wrap him in a ball of rainbows and unicorns and smiles, and maybe push him back to Brendon. Because Brendon won't be happy in five years, not really. He'll still be miserable and Ryan will still be miserable and maybe things will be better but they won't be good. I love this kind of fic, where you can just feel how much it hurts, but the tragedy of it kind of breaks my heart. It is a little like death, a break up, a little like suicide. Or maybe a double suicide-homicide, I don't know.

So yeah, this was beautiful. Kind of hopeless and terrible and so hurty I kind of want to cry now, but beautiful. I wish I had something more constructive to say, but I'm pretty useless on that front. Except, um: How was he supposed to began a new life if he walked his soon-to-be-ex all over the place he wanted to begin it at? 'began' should be 'begin', right?

Anyway, yeah. This was so wonderful and kind of exactly what I was looking for, so thank you very muchly for pointing me here. :)

Fuck, I can't believe this has been out for so long and I haven't noticed. You have so many stories that I find myself clicking something I think I haven't read and then finding out I have. XD

Anyway, this was beautiful, as always. <3 Really, Dru, you have a gift. I hope to God you use it somehow. I'd love love love to read a book written by you and if you ever publish one you have to let me know because I'll be one of the first (if not the first) to buy it. I have some ideas if you ever want to take them on. ;) Mostly they're ideas I don't think I could execute correctly so if you're ever in the mood for an original just let me know. XD

The mood fit perfectly with the background, or vice versa, whichever one you decided on first. I love how I don't even have to know anything about Panic to read your stories because in them they aren't really so much concerned with the band as they are with each other and the interaction between them even when you're writing in the universe of the band. Seriously I've been trying to get into Panic but I can only stand a few songs by them even though the lyrics for all of them are brilliant. It's just my music taste, nothing about Panic personally. I just dislike the sound of their music even though there are some songs I adore. I'm not sure how they are in real life but the way you write really makes it seem as if this is how they act when the cameras aren't rolling. It's about young adult drama but you write it like it's special and not special at the same time. Like they're just a few more humans on the planet, so what, but you zero in on them while at the same time keeping the big picture if that makes sense.

I also really loved, like the last reviewer said, the bittersweet dialogue between Z and Ryan. I don't know who Z is (I'm guessing a friend of the band?) but I liked how she was pretty blunt and didn't try and coddle Ryan or anything. I'm a sucker for the characters that stick it to you. :3

You know what else I loved? The lady that told Ryan to go home, apologize, and buy 'her' flowers. I've been getting really into giving out random compliments and so on and seeing how it lights up some peoples' faces even if I don't see how it ultimately plays out in their life, whether it was just another compliment or whether it made their whole day or even possibly saved them from suicide (you never know!) so something like that was good to see. I love that lady now. XD

All in all, very pleasant to read. You're an inspiration, Dru. :) <3

For starters, if I haven't said it before I'll say it here: I really love your writing. No matter what the story is about I can count on it being well-written, and it takes me on an interesting head-trip of some sort.
For this story, I really loved the setting because I sort of have a thing for rain as a dramatic backdrop, and I really felt that Ryan walking in the rain was very fitting to the the things he was contemplating. I liked that he was sort of numb to it, like he only acknowledged it when it furthered his thought processes and otherwise he tried to ignore how soaked he was getting. I also really liked the bittersweet dialogue exchanged between Z and Ryan. It's tone was oddly sweet and tender despite how bitter and sad the actual subject matter was, and that actually made the scene deeper. Finally, I loved how we got a quick shot of Brendon's perspective at the end, and, of course, I found it fitting considering his last words in the story were actually "the end." That's when you know it's really over. Even though it hurts you have to accept it and move on somehow. Well, that's how it hits me anyway.

This was the end of the Golden Era. Or maybe the Silver Era. Gold had been before Ryan traded in his eyeliner for paisley flower-patterned button downs. I must say, I saw this in RtS or in the Pimping/Reccing thread and I loved it immediately. Paisely flower patterned button downs. Sounds about right. I loved the gold/silver juxtaposition coz, yknow. Wings and halos and light. Silver and gold and pearly gates. /obsessed

And when Ryan felt the first teardrop slide down his cheek, he pretended not to care about that either. I loved how he like, just disregarded it like rain coz it can pass off as such, you know? Nobody could see, nobody would care, why would he let himself be vulnerable? It was so striking and, not warm, because there's like a tiny amount of venom, not exactly sad either. It was real.

He was vaguely reminded of some lyric or something a very depressed friend of his from high school used to say whenever it stormed... That had been over a year ago. This whole part reminded me of something you mentioned earlier or something I've seen you say. Like a part of a story that doesn't really have to be there, but we should see them anyway. It's how you so brilliantly balance plot AND character, I think.

Or maybe everyone knew about his black thumb, how everything he touched turned to shit. They were all avoiding him. I think everyone feels like that at some point and I love how you put a name to that feeling or stigma. Black thumb.

he said, looking at his boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?). I loved this thought process for some reason.

“C’mon, Bren. We were kids. This was never supposed to last forever.” Ffffff man. Way to break a heart. I can't even. It's such a high school kind of thought, it's so desperately and cruelly youthful. The pessimistic side of it.

“She’s probably worried sick. Tell her you’re sorry and buy her flowers. It’ll be okay.” It's so funny how strangers can be so dead wrong and so eerily right at the same time.

“You will regret this one day.” The girl looked sad and he couldn’t figure out why. “He was it for you. No one will come close. He’ll be happy in five years and you’ll be miserable.” The one thing no one ever wants to hear but you put it into words so well. And we - Ryan, Z, Brendon, everyone, you, me, the readers - know it's true but we can't do anything about it.

She kissed his forehead. “Yup. Now face forward.” I thought she meant literally at first. Then figurative. It doesn't matter. She said it, we know what it means without asking. What it means for the story. There's such a finality to it. The only thing you can do it move on.

“This is it.” he whispered. “The end.” Damn. For some reason I was expecting a happy ending. Like that story of yours I loved with the answering machine.

Here's one thing I noticed about the narrative, btw. What set this apart from some of your other fics. The element of realism was there, and the emotion, but somehow it's like you stripped the dream away and wrote things for how ugly and horrible they can be. Nothing pretty about it and that's how you wrote it. It rang true.

I love the layout for this one. Well, I love it apart from the wide picture again. XD
But this was a lovely idea to write about, I really liked it. You did a great job on this and you write slash very well compared to a lot of slash wannabe writers out there. XD Great job. <3

I first clicked the link because you likened it to Juliet Simm's verse in 'Remembering Sunday' - one of my favourite songs, and my favourite verse in it. That was what dragged me in, but there were so many more things that kept me hooked.

For one, the layout was beautiful - I think the choice of banner was nice, I could almost imagine Ryan parading up and down that street looking for a new ... customer? Not sure if that's the right word. The colour scheme worked well, and was easy to read. I LOVE the phrase:

"...Golden boy with the Golden mouth. Brendon hadn’t been particularly thrilled..."

It shows that the Brendon/Ryan drama had been going on for a while - a short, but sweet backstory, and it also shows that Valencia was just the climax of the drama, if that makes sense? Also, the thought of Brendon being jealous and pissed off is kind of ... oddly sweet. The way you described the rain was sweet - I think sometimes that raining whilst a character is depressed can become a bit of a cliche, but you worked it into the "Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair & out of my mind" idea, and it worked really well. You didn't go into lots of detail about it, it was short, sweet and simple and it worked. I think thats what I like most about the story, the fact that the description isn't much but it still gives you a clear picture.

"He wanted to get Brendon upstairs, lights off, one last time before his boyfriend saw the bruises and Ryan made his confession." I am so glad that Ryan didn't get Brendon into bed, oh my God. The worst thing is - I wanted to hate Ryan. So badly. Especially at this point:

"“Three days in a hotel. A couple other guys..."

What a dick! But then you explained the psychology of it - "“I saved you.” Ryan whispered bitterly. From the inevitable." And after you explained the reason why Ryan cheated on Brendon - it became really hard to hate him. Believe me, I tried - what a bastard.

“You will regret this one day.” The girl looked sad and he couldn’t figure out why. “He was it for you. No one will come close. He’ll be happy in five years and you’ll be miserable.”

Thank GOD for this. I am so glad you didn't make Z into one of these "Oh, everything will be alright, don't worry, he'll take you back," characters. The story was so realistic, and it kind of made me happy that Brendon will be happy, at last.

"...rain would remind him of this night."

Rain is such an inevitable thing, where I live it happens on a weekly basis. It's refreshing to know that Ryan will be reminded a lot of times about the mistakes he's made, and it left me hoping that he wouldn't make them again. The last paragraph - about Brendon - incredible! You really left the reader hanging. I was so scared that Brendon would commit suicide by jumping off of his balcony - though that's probably not what you intended to happen. The mention of the vodka bottle and cigarettes was, yet again, brief but it worked. It was quite realistic that Brendon was trying to drown his sorrows and was acting depressed and upset, even though Ryan was the one who had made the mistakes. All in all, an incredibly realistic work of fiction - well done!

This was really, really well written. I love your stories; this is just the first time I'm commenting.

Fanfictions have a tendency to influence my idea on how Ryan and Brendon actually are as real people. You painted Ryan so vividly here, it made it seem that this is the real Ryan. That, if you knew him, this is how he'd be. We don't get as much of a glimpse to Brendon- except for the end, and the same statement applies.

I could picture Ryan falling against the wall, only letting out one sob. That was the part that I actually thought was the saddest. The way you write him, it's as though he feels that he doesn't deserve to cry. That he isn't even worth enough to breakdown, isn't worth someone's care.

I loved this.

Story Review Game

Title, Summary, & Layout
The title is interesting enough to convince me to click on the link. I'm guessing the title is significant to the story, but I'll have to read to find out.

I like the lyrics used in the summary, and I actually know the song. (:
The summary is only one sentence, but it's concise. It's brief, but tells the reader the main point. I think it's a good quality for a writer to have, to be able to get the message across in just a few short words, and you pulled it off. I don't think you need to have the pairings listed in the summary. Most people can probably figure out that the pairing is Ryan & Brendon, just by reading the summary. Well, if they're familiar with the pairing, but I don't think it's necessary to have it in the summary. Maybe a better place would be in the author's note section.

The layout is beautiful. I love that the banner looks like an old photograph. The colors mesh well and the font is a good size. I like that the banner is bigger than the story section. I don't see that a lot with stories, but I really like it.

Story
This was the end of the Golden Era.
The sentence would sound more natural if you replaced this with it.

Now even that was over.
Insert a comma after now. It gives a better effect if there is a pause.

“And it’s all my fault.” Ryan said aloud to no one.
When you have dialogue you have to end it with a comma, unless it's a question or exclaimation.
Ex: “And it’s all my fault,” Ryan said aloud to no one.

And even though Brendon had said it was okay about two days after they got signed, he still went home to his boyfriend with eyes red from crying, begging for forgiveness.
There should be a comma after okay.

Jeans, tee shirt.
You should changes this to: Jeans and a t-shirt.

Ryan pretend to be surprised, confused.
Should be pretended.

“Get out!” his screamed, pulling the door open.
His should be he.

How was he supposed to began a new life if he walked his soon-to-be-ex all over the place he wanted to begin it at?
Began should be begin.

She sighed gently, one handed resting comfortingly on his back as she sat Indian-style behind him on her bed.
Handed should be hand.

She put the brush down and turned Ryan’s chin until he look at her.
Look should be looked.

Her voice ws soft, just like the skin of her hand.Ws. Correction: was.

Plot
The plot is very common. The whole break up between two people and their lives are complete shit without the other. Blah, blah, blah. But I like the way you spun it to your advantage. I like that you didn't make them run back into each others arms and apologize. That ending is way too overused. The ending you wrote is amazing. I love that you showed the emotion Brendon was feeling because Ryan left. The ending you chose is very realistic and more likely to happen, compared to the overused ending of happily ever after.

Dialogue & Description
You have several errors in your dialogue. Check this and read the story content section. It explains what I'm talking about with the dialogue. Other than that, the dialogue is good. It flows and doesn't sound forced.

The description is good. There is only one problem I have with your description.
Ex: “Three days in a hotel. A couple other guys, too.” His voice was steady, calm, matter-of-fact.
You sound like you're listing off synonyms, which is exactly what you're doing. I realize that you might be doing this to make a point or give a stronger effect, but you have to remember that sometimes, less is more. The sentence would give the same effect if you take out the last two words, calm and matter-of-fact. It would even sound better, especially with the other sentence that follows after.

I really love that you use syntax in the story. It gives something more to the story. Plus, I love syntax, so that's a bonus. (:

Overall
This is a pretty good one shot. Other than the things I pointed out, I really liked it. I haven't read a story like this so it's original to me. Yes, the pairing and plot is common, but you didn't focus the story on Brendon & Ryan's music career like most other stories. You hardly even brought up their music career, aside from the whole thing about Pete, but you made them seem like they were normal, everyday people. You made a fanfic sound like an originalfic. Also, like I mentioned before, I really like the way you ended the story. And how you added in the words, the end, at the very end, as if you were stating the story was over, but it was really Brendon admitting that it was 'the end' for him because Ryan left. That was genius. I absolutely loved it.

Dammit, I saw this on the Story Review Game and it was claimed already, but I decided to comment anyways.

You have no idea how much I missed reading your stuff. I'm so glad that you kept writing throughout your time off the web.

Now, into the story.

First off, this is the first story that I've read from you in which this depressive feeling lingered throughout the whole thing. I've never read anything from you with this vibe, hell, not even At Night, which is one of the first stories I've ever read from you, had this helpless felling lingering over the story.

Not that there's something wrong about that, because the feeling is welcomed while reading the story, because that's the way Ryan felt throughout the whole thing, even if it's what he wanted.

I love how you have the tendency of making Ryan this character that inflicts damage to himself without even deserving it, how he puts himself through all this pain and welcomes it, because it's the right thing to do, because he doesn't want to screw over in the future, better do it once and for all, right?

Your descriptions, as per usual, are amazing. That air of helplessness was increased by Ryan's conversation with himself, and how everything around him worked according to his feelings, the rain, the clouds, his tears, his obvious confusion yet determination. It's amazing.

And I must say I adored that random lady, obviously reading Ryan's sadness, and her advice... shame it's harder than it appears to be.

Also, Z, I love her strong character, how she's brutally honest with Ryan about what it'll be like 5 years from now; however, at the very end of the story, we see that Brendon can't quite function properly after this, for him, there is no future; he sees no future without Ryan and Ryan saw no future with Brendon.

One thing that I've always loved about your stories are the run-on sentences. I simply love that rushed feeling that they give to most of your stories. It's wonderful. Don't change that style, never. Fuck grammar.

I really loved reading this story. I'm so happy that you returned with new beautifully written stories. You were missed, so was your unique writing style.

Gahhh I am now a big fan of your writing, I'm going to read every single one if your oneshots
Much Love
JAzz <2+1

This is really well written, I loved it :)

New story.
Ryan walks in the rain and contemplates.
Ryan/Brendon.
past!Pete/Ryan.
Mentions of other pairings.
~1400 words.

Happy [?] reading!

Comments are love and thank you in advance if you comment.

xoxox
-Dru