September 18th, 2011 at 09:12pm
I thought it'd be nice to read a story of yours. Usually I don't read slashes (I used to, but I couldn't find any good ones with a nice layout) but it was good. Though, I did only read the first chapter for now, but I'll def. read more. :] It was really interesting. I feel bad for Cody since he has cancer. :/ Poor guy, but I'll continue reading and such. I can't wait. <3
But before I enter this comment, I'm just going to say I CAN'T WAIT 2 R3AD DAT N3W ST0RY U R MAKING. D0N'T MAKE ME WAIT 2 L0NG, W0MAN. <3 (You know I'm kidding right? I do want to read it but not so much I'll yell at you. PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS AND ACT ;] ANGRY
LOLOLOL JKIN'.)
But seriously, you have a talent <3
I'll briefly mention the lovely layout, which I'll reiterate, is lovely. The colour scheme matches perfectly with the tone of the summary. I occasionally find myself disliking the ability to apply customisable layout's to stories - when they're practically surging electricity when the plot sees the poor protagonists parent dying slowly of alcohol poisoning. I'm sure you're aware of the type I'm talking about, it's nice to see it's not distractingly extravagant either. It finds a comfortable equilibrium that adds to the story, as opposed to taking away from it.
Summary:
The summary is an instant tug on the heartstrings - I want to cry already, I'm just waiting from the offset for painful twists and turns. I love the way you open up the story; the summary is a part of the tale. I find with most death related stories, all you get are long winding days of agony from the perspective of the main character watching their beloved deteriorate before them, chapter after chapter. Whereas this story bases on Devian dealing with the 'aftermath', if you will, of the loss.
'even when Cody's heart went still.' I have serious adoration for you after the phrasing of his death, it just made the summary a little bit more special.
'Maybe he'd just need asistance,' you've overlooked the second s in assistance. It's slightly distracting so I thought I'd mention it. :3
Prologue:
The prologue really was the perfect start it was fluent and worded beautifully. You really captured their emotion; I felt genuinely heartbroken for everyone involved.
'his tears landing on the other boy's head, seeing as he had no hair left to lose.' This really brought it home, it was up until that point in my head, but I hadn't registered it. It gave real bitterness to the story.
'"Dev...I'm scared to die." He whimpered. "Really."' I just wanted to breakdown at this. It was such a powerful, beautiful line. I can feel the powerlessness that Devian feels, and the terror in Cody. Favourite line of the chapter, really.
Chill:
I should quickly mention how much I love that you've named the chapters the way you have. It's different to the usual - numbers or song lyrics. It just gives it an air of extra effort, even if it isn't an extravagant task. Again, it's an incredible chapter the emotion is so tangible, it really gets to you. You have a real gift for description and you really get into the mind of the character, it's obvious when you read it you care for the story.
'The December air never felt colder.' I instantly remembered the title when I read this. It gave me chills - beautiful.
Immunity:
Oh, this chapter was really telling of the slow change in Devian. It felt incredibly significant and I suppose it is. The speech was almost like a goodbye, I love how solitary it was, giving the feeling that he really was reaching out trying to get to Cody. The Christmas present was a lovely, albeit crushing, touch.
As I was saying before, the chapter felt significant and was telling of the change in Devian. Mourning is a long process that can seem like it's over and come back and hit you when you least expect it, I feel this happening in him when he meets Bailey. I think the name Bailey really suited the character you introduced by the way; I love names that match character persona!
Bitter:
Ah, this chapter. It was everything I wanted it to be. I was going to drive myself to an early grave if he'd just continued en route to happiness, but you write it realistically. You also phrase things really nicely and capture the emotion perfectly in your metaphors. It's a trait I've grown fond to in your writing throughout the story thus far.
You used the phrase 'Time seemed to be standing still.' I thought it fitted perfectly with this story thus far and the chapter especially.
Drown:
I think the start of this chapter was both some of the best writing in the story, and the worst. It wasn't bad at any point but the habitual use of 'Devian [insert action]' seemed to really jar the flow which made it slightly unpleasant to read. I think there's a line where skilled repetition merges into overuse and it's not nice to read at all. I think that's the only thing I'd consider changing, but it wasn't ridiculously overbearing so you could probably get away with leaving it if you wanted.
I like the way the snow still cropped up when you're mentioning it dampening his bed. It's like a residue of the situation he's just ran from, it pulls up the fact that it's an inescapable feeling that's going to linger for a long time. Intentional or not, it was smart bro.
'No flash-photography will be condoned.' This is exactly the witty tones that make your writing so special. It's something I really adore in writing. Irvine Welsh is one of my favourite authors because he's so crude and witty, I just love reading really out of place sardonic things in writing. It reflects my own mentality to a T.
The ongoing repetition of December is so subtle and the little themes you're building up, I just love seeing them. It intensifies my need to keep reading.
'“Spewing from behind your lips like a useless faucet.”' I cackled - honestly.
I think this chapter is my favourite thus far due to the building relationship between Bailey and Devian. It's a relationship I'm just really fond of watching grow. Bailey is an incredible character, that much I can say for certain.
Sputter:
Oh! The dynamic between Bailey and Devian is just to die for, (ugh, incredibly bad pun unintended). I love the way they shift so agilely from cynical or witty banter to tense awkwardness. Erfgh, I love everything about their interactions and you write it superbly. Despite the tone of the story, it makes me really cheery. Good characters are possibly my favourite thing in writing.
'The word “time” carved itself in the back of Devian’s throat.' Love this ridiculous amounts.
'“Funeral arrangments aren’t set yet.” That sentence trailed off into the snow.' You sly fox.
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I really enjoyed every word of this story; you have a ludicrous amount of talent. I'm instantly immersed in your writing - you have, what is to me, the perfect writing style. This is easily one of my favourite stories of all time on here. You've found yourself another subscriber, without a shadow of a doubt. I'm so glad I hunted down something of yours to read, I really am.
You should be proud of this. It's fantastic. (: