Well thanks for entering my contest, this is the final story I am going to be judging of yours in this contest. (:
I am going to make a few comparisons to the other story you've entered and I'm going to give you feedback solely on this one.
First off what I really liked about this story was what the story revolved around. I liked the idea of her being nervous about Patrick meeting her family and stuff like that. (: Another thing I really enjoyed as well was the summary. I liked the summary because it was a summary that left me guessing and making assumptions as to how I thought the story would progress. I liked the interaction between the characters a little better in this story then in Selfish. I liked how you added Brett at the start, because he added a little more substance at the start of the story. I liked her personality and I was really to picture Patrick Kane as the man. I think you stuck true to the kind of guy he portrays himself to be. I liked Sara's dad, I thought he was cool and I liked his thoughts about the Pie. I liked when you made them kiss, each time there was something a little different and a little more "sexy" about it, I guess you could say. I also thought that the fist paragraph was my favorite because it was superbly executed. Another great thing is that I'm assuming the comment above is the girl you wrote it for, loved it and that's always a really good thing! (:
One thing that I wished was that you brought Brett back again the story, even just for one more appearance. I felt that in this story as opposed the other one, the ending wasn't as strong as the other one. I thought that this ending was cuter but this ending to me felt to be a little more rushed. The other ending closed off the story a little more, this one left me needing a little more than it gave me. I felt that the entire story came across as rushed and it also happened too quickly. Happening too quickly is meant in the time span you gave the story, wasn't enough in my eyes. I wished you made is spread out a little more evenly. I also felt that the way it progressed lacked a little something, I wished there was a little more of a build up into the conflict with Sara and her mother. I also thought that there were too many gaps within each paragraph and how things happened. I also felt that the title wasn't as great as a reflection as the other story.
One main thing that I felt was common in both stories was the sentence structure. I felt that the sentences were a little choppy and it took away from the overall flow and greatness of the story. I also felt that the general idea of the story was at opposite ends of the spectrum and I really liked that you showed 2 totally different sides of your writing and 2 totally different sides of your characters as well. I think that the stories were common in the sense that they both dealt with hockey boys. I loved that it was two hockey boys that I just simply adore. I thought that overall the stories weren't drastically different in the sense of your creative ability and the technical aspect. That can be both a good and bad thing.
I am going to make a few comparisons to the other story you've entered and I'm going to give you feedback solely on this one.
First off what I really liked about this story was what the story revolved around. I liked the idea of her being nervous about Patrick meeting her family and stuff like that. (: Another thing I really enjoyed as well was the summary. I liked the summary because it was a summary that left me guessing and making assumptions as to how I thought the story would progress. I liked the interaction between the characters a little better in this story then in Selfish. I liked how you added Brett at the start, because he added a little more substance at the start of the story. I liked her personality and I was really to picture Patrick Kane as the man. I think you stuck true to the kind of guy he portrays himself to be. I liked Sara's dad, I thought he was cool and I liked his thoughts about the Pie. I liked when you made them kiss, each time there was something a little different and a little more "sexy" about it, I guess you could say. I also thought that the fist paragraph was my favorite because it was superbly executed. Another great thing is that I'm assuming the comment above is the girl you wrote it for, loved it and that's always a really good thing! (:
One thing that I wished was that you brought Brett back again the story, even just for one more appearance. I felt that in this story as opposed the other one, the ending wasn't as strong as the other one. I thought that this ending was cuter but this ending to me felt to be a little more rushed. The other ending closed off the story a little more, this one left me needing a little more than it gave me. I felt that the entire story came across as rushed and it also happened too quickly. Happening too quickly is meant in the time span you gave the story, wasn't enough in my eyes. I wished you made is spread out a little more evenly. I also felt that the way it progressed lacked a little something, I wished there was a little more of a build up into the conflict with Sara and her mother. I also thought that there were too many gaps within each paragraph and how things happened. I also felt that the title wasn't as great as a reflection as the other story.
One main thing that I felt was common in both stories was the sentence structure. I felt that the sentences were a little choppy and it took away from the overall flow and greatness of the story. I also felt that the general idea of the story was at opposite ends of the spectrum and I really liked that you showed 2 totally different sides of your writing and 2 totally different sides of your characters as well. I think that the stories were common in the sense that they both dealt with hockey boys. I loved that it was two hockey boys that I just simply adore. I thought that overall the stories weren't drastically different in the sense of your creative ability and the technical aspect. That can be both a good and bad thing.
Best of luck my dear in the contest. (: