Warning; major nit-picking written below. Most of this is opinionated. Feel free to ignore everything. Chapter Three:
"Destiny looked up from her vanity mirror to look at me, surprise written her face." You need a word between written and her; could be "written on her face" or something.
"I watched languidly as she placed her 1.eyeliner pencil down on the green desk and 2.stared for a few long moments." 1. It sounds a bit awkward to say "eyeliner pencil." Try a different way to phrase it? Random attempt: "placed the pencil she used to enhance her eyes." Maybe a comma before the word "and" since it's kind of listing more than one action/thought. 2. Example: "stared at me for a few long moments..." Try placing something between "stared" and "for a few."
"“OK,” she spoke, turning away to continue putting on her eyeliner." It's not exactly wrong, but it bugs me. Instead of "spoke" can it be "said?"
"But I 1.know not to press questions so I turned and 2.exited the room into the main club." 1. "Know" should be "knew." 2. "I turned and exited the room in the main club." One word: awkward. "Exited the dressing room, walking back into the crowded club." The rest of this sentence is strictly my opinion, but, blarg. "But I knew not to press or ask questions, so I turned and exited the room, walking through the main club."
"The scent of stale smoke and alcohol breath permeated the area, with a slight dash of sweat and musk." I like the description. But if you're going to describe the scents filling the room, keep them all together before saying where the scents are located. Ex: "The scent of stale smoke, alcohol-filled breath, along with a slight dash of sweat and musk, permeated the area."
OK, so, I'm excited that she's spotted the strange green eyed man. Problem, you repeated "green-eyes(d)" way too much. Try describing his hair or the shape of his chin?
"Feeling my neck flush from adrenaline, I pushed open the door and inhaled the clean fresh air." Comma after the word "clean," please.
"Closing my eyes for a moment, I forced my heart to relax in its rampant beating." Word not needed.
"There was no good to come from these bizarre reactions my body has been having tonight." Opinion: "Has been getting," or "Had been having."
*Glares at the numbers in the text.* You know my opinion on that >_< lol.
"Besides, the confined space of cars terrorizes me. The only time I have ever noticed an extreme emotion before tonight." Maybe you can combine these two sentences with a semicolon, so it's easier to understand. "...terrorizes me; it's the only time..."
"Glancing behind me, I saw him running at me; his leather coat bouncing and flailing out behind him." Repeated word: me. Opinion: "Glancing back, I saw him running in my direction;..."
"I did not want to discuss anything with him, or be near him." Since you're saying she doesn't want these things, it should be "nor."
I'm happy you didn't end the chapter after what he said, I'd have cursed ;P
"Even if I fall, at least I’d be closer to the ground than I am up here, were a fall could kill me." You contradicted yourself here. Falling=closer to floor. Falling=death. Fix?
"Everything told me senselessly to get away from him and, tossing logic behind, I scrambled. Which I would soon regret as the back chipped away and I fell to the floor into the grass." Semicolon instead of the period, please.
And, honestly, I'm loving it. You always manage to insert comedy into your stories; and you make it look easy! You bum <3
Tension! Ok, I'm in love with writer's who can add tension to their story. It makes it so much...jucier to read.
"The rest of the day was spent in Destiny’s bed covered in her thick comforter and a mug of hot chocolate." Comma after the word "bed."
"She even got so deep into she was considering hiding a knife in my clothing for my defense." I think I know what you mean, but I'm not comfortable with the way it's written here.
I liked this chapter. Sorry for all the nit-picking, but I got carried away. That doesn't mean it wasn't good. I'm just a hobo when it comes to grammar, etc. Hopefully you continue writing this ;P And I like the layout, good job =]
Most of this is opinionated. Feel free to ignore everything.
Chapter Three:
"Destiny looked up from her vanity mirror to look at me, surprise written her face."
You need a word between written and her; could be "written on her face" or something.
"I watched languidly as she placed her 1.eyeliner pencil down on the green desk and 2.stared for a few long moments."
1. It sounds a bit awkward to say "eyeliner pencil." Try a different way to phrase it? Random attempt: "placed the pencil she used to enhance her eyes."
Maybe a comma before the word "and" since it's kind of listing more than one action/thought.
2. Example: "stared at me for a few long moments..." Try placing something between "stared" and "for a few."
"“OK,” she spoke, turning away to continue putting on her eyeliner."
It's not exactly wrong, but it bugs me. Instead of "spoke" can it be "said?"
"But I 1.know not to press questions so I turned and 2.exited the room into the main club."
1. "Know" should be "knew."
2. "I turned and exited the room in the main club." One word: awkward. "Exited the dressing room, walking back into the crowded club."
The rest of this sentence is strictly my opinion, but, blarg. "But I knew not to press or ask questions, so I turned and exited the room, walking through the main club."
"The scent of stale smoke and alcohol breath permeated the area, with a slight dash of sweat and musk."
I like the description. But if you're going to describe the scents filling the room, keep them all together before saying where the scents are located. Ex: "The scent of stale smoke, alcohol-filled breath, along with a slight dash of sweat and musk, permeated the area."
OK, so, I'm excited that she's spotted the strange green eyed man. Problem, you repeated "green-eyes(d)" way too much. Try describing his hair or the shape of his chin?
"Feeling my neck flush from adrenaline, I pushed open the door and inhaled the clean fresh air."
Comma after the word "clean," please.
"Closing my eyes for a moment, I forced my heart to relax in its rampant beating."
Word not needed.
"There was no good to come from these bizarre reactions my body has been having tonight."
Opinion: "Has been getting," or "Had been having."
*Glares at the numbers in the text.*
You know my opinion on that >_< lol.
"Besides, the confined space of cars terrorizes me. The only time I have ever noticed an extreme emotion before tonight."
Maybe you can combine these two sentences with a semicolon, so it's easier to understand. "...terrorizes me; it's the only time..."
"Glancing behind me, I saw him running at me; his leather coat bouncing and flailing out behind him."
Repeated word: me. Opinion: "Glancing back, I saw him running in my direction;..."
"I did not want to discuss anything with him, or be near him."
Since you're saying she doesn't want these things, it should be "nor."
I'm happy you didn't end the chapter after what he said, I'd have cursed ;P
"Even if I fall, at least I’d be closer to the ground than I am up here, were a fall could kill me."
You contradicted yourself here. Falling=closer to floor. Falling=death. Fix?
"Everything told me senselessly to get away from him and, tossing logic behind, I scrambled. Which I would soon regret as the back chipped away and I fell to the floor into the grass."
Semicolon instead of the period, please.
And, honestly, I'm loving it. You always manage to insert comedy into your stories; and you make it look easy! You bum <3
Tension!
Ok, I'm in love with writer's who can add tension to their story. It makes it so much...jucier to read.
"The rest of the day was spent in Destiny’s bed covered in her thick comforter and a mug of hot chocolate."
Comma after the word "bed."
"She even got so deep into she was considering hiding a knife in my clothing for my defense."
I think I know what you mean, but I'm not comfortable with the way it's written here.
I liked this chapter. Sorry for all the nit-picking, but I got carried away. That doesn't mean it wasn't good. I'm just a hobo when it comes to grammar, etc. Hopefully you continue writing this ;P
And I like the layout, good job =]