Voyage Du Mauvais Sort - Comments

This story is absolutely amazing! I feel I am in the story following his every move and watching him board the ship and seeing people wave off Titanic. It's just so real and your knowledge as to what is going on, dates, how they speak, etc. is perfect. And because you did so well on the facts, your story is all the more better.

I only saw a few grammar mistakes which is good. If there were many, I wouldn't be subbing like I am now.

Of course, I am unsure if you are ever going to continue this, buenos you do, I will read and comment :)

I'm the stupidest girl in the world for forgetting about fullfilling our comment swap, because this story needs more comments than two pages. It's so richly historical, and so beautifully written. It's kind of like a time machine. I really enjoy stories about the Titanic. Gosh, darn you for being so wonderful. :D

Subscribed! I love this :)

Well this is the first Titanic Fan-fic that I've read on this site. At first I was a little scared to read this cause I am a big Titanic Fan and Researcher of it and I Respect Her. I know you do too cause if you didn't, I dont think you would write this.

So I wasn't sure how this would turn out...
No Offence dear <3

But I am glad that I spent some time and read this. This was written very well.
Which is good cause it got me hooked to this story as to others I'm sure.
I love how you described everything, not too much or too little just perfectly.
Everything is so vivid and I thought I was really there.

So far you got a promising story
You keep up the great work.
I can't wait to see more, especially how you write the ending of this story.

<3

Hello. I was actually very surprised to see a story written about the Titanic on mibba, but I must say, it was a good surprise. It’s a very interesting topic and I’m glad to see someone writing a historic novel with actual research done into a loosely fitting plot – but anyway, I’ll get right on to the story content.

The first paragraph was a little bit disorganized, though the colors used to describe the setting were done wonderfully. The thing was your use of repetition; you used the word light at least four times or over, and it made for a very dull paragraph. However, as you went on, the story content picked up. I’d hasten to say it’s because you got more interested as you wrote.

Blueprints coiled beneath his arm

I like this sentence because it creates such vivid, quick imagery. It’s blunt and straight to the point, a line where you truly don’t have to explain every small detail; this sums it up perfectly, and eloquently.

Again, you pull repetition in the painting scene where you use the word paint over and over, however, when you describe the paint texture and colour it is very well done. This then would be my suggestion: try to tell less about what it IS you’re describing, and more about the description itself, because your descriptions are wonderful. The second and third chapters, by the way, while short, are very telling of the plot and therefore very successful. He wishes he could find a love like that and the descriptions of the other passengers were the lines that supposed a great tragedy is going to happen; it hooks you into the story because you want to know what comes next.

So far, it’s a great idea with an intricate writing style. Try to avoid clichés like toothy grin, though, and remember to have fun writing it. I can’t wait to read the catalyst of this story; I can tell it’s going to be very passionate and tragic.

Nicley written! I'm love your writing! It made me fell like I was there <3

I'm in love with this story, the descriptions... the writing!!
I can't express in words how much I love Titanic stories!
My God this will end up being my favorite story on mibba! xD
I read the first chapter, I'm going to subscribe and read some more!
Thank you for this! A thousand times over! xD

I'm in love with your writing :)
Your description of the Titanic made me feel like I was there
I like how you are telling the story, I could literally see the young girls dancing in the third chapter. It was all rather lovely :)

Dude, normally I hate anything that was set in the past, but I actually like this. You've painted lots of word-pictures, it's such good writing, I don't care what time it's set in.
The banner, I so love it, for whatever reason. And the title sounds so pretty.
I couldn't find many grammar/spelling errors. :D
You do a lot of details, very, very nice. I can't wait to read more.

I wouldn't have normally read something like this, but you did a good job with it. The description painted a vivid picture in my mind and your style is really easy to read. Good job =D

I probably wouldn't have normally read a story like this. The summary tipped me off that it was somewhat historical fiction, and that's not my thing. Or did I get the wrong impression from the summary?

I like the description you had in the first paragraph of the first chapter. It painted a good mental picture for me. I felt like you repeated yourself often through the story, and that was a bit off putting. And the tone you were using in the story just didn't feel right to me for some reason.

The story was interesting to read. I don't think I've encountered something like this. I like the way you described things in your story. Its a well done story.

Chapter two: I'm really enjoying this story; I love how you charecterize Andrews. I've never seen a Titanic story quite like this; where it focuses on the ship, and it's builder, and its owners, and how the sinking affected them...not how a couple is tragically seperated by the sinking xP
Though I do sense a hint of romance here, when he was looking at the couple...foreshadowing? :O
Word choice is superb, and fits very well. It's nicely devoid of spelling errors and grammer mistakes, for the most part.
Awesome attention to detail; you do the whole 'show, not tell' thing very well.
I think I forgot to sub to this story the first time around,

Chapter two: I'm really enjoying this story; I love how you charecterize Andrews. I've never seen a Titanic story quite like this; where it focuses on the ship, and it's builder, and its owners, and how the sinking affected them...not how a couple is tragically seperated by the sinking xP
Though I do sense a hint of romance here, when he was looking at the couple...foreshadowing? :O
Word choice is superb, and fits very well. It's nicely devoid of spelling errors and grammer mistakes, for the most part.
Awesome attention to detail; you do the whole 'show, not tell' thing very well.
I think I forgot to sub to this story the first time around,

I love the Titanic, so this was very interesting to read. I simply loved it. I've only read the first chapter, but I'm excited to find time to read the rest. You've got a beautiful writing style; but I'd suggest skimming over it for grammatical errors. This is highly original, which is hard to find on this website anymore, so you've astounded me for the evening. Your detailing is perfect, by the way, and your diction is vast. <3

Title
Captures the imagination =] Nice and different.

Layout
I love it. The picture matches well and the whole thing is pretty, but also easy on the eye.

Summary
I already know I'm going to love this as soon as I read the summary xD However, you have written it's when it should really be its.

Chapter One
I loved the bit about the rainbows, and it meaning a good day to follow your dreams. The beginning of this chapter had a very dream-like, mystical quality and it's because of sentences like this that it flows so well. =]

Andrews walks briskly this morning, filled with more excitement than a kid in a candy shop. As your style of writing in this story matches the time in which it was set, I didn't find this line fitting very well. It sounds too modern, compared to the other language used. Perhaps "filled with more excitement than a child at Christmas" would work better?

Mr. Ismay is a brittle looking man, his light brown hair cut sharply around his head. He has a thick moustache the size of a gutter rat, covering all of his upper lip except for a thin sliver of skin showing directly in the middle.
I loved this. It was a very vivid description, and so well done. It matches the comparisons that would have been made at the time and flows very well. Wonderful imagery =]

His body is flooding with enthusiasm, much like a boy receiving his first BB gun on Christmas morning.
Again, a BB gun doesn't really flow well with the rest of the mor old-fashioned text. I'm not realy sure what boys would receive in that day and age for Christmas, but I think you should go for something more old-fashioned, just to match the feel of the rest of the narrative =]

Finally, I loved the end paragraph. I think anyone interested in this time period would know the ship was the Titanic, but to put it in the narrative so casually is a brilliant way to do it. It sets the scene in a way that's not too dramatic and over the top, even though you know what her fate was. Brilliant first chapter =]

Chapter Two
Across the deck he spies a young couple seemingly happy and in love. Their hands intertwined while the joke and laugh together. He wishes he could have a love like theirs.
I liked this. It gave him extra depth. You know he has a love for his job and his ship, but this gives him emotional needs and makes him more three-dimensional. I like the way you just put this in here suddenly, it was very effective.

“I believe you’ve built quite an extraordinary ship, I do applaud you on your virtuous efforts.”
I love this. The speech is so old-fashioned and well-written - it's not over the top, but instead very realistic. This is hard to do, so great job!

Overall
This is very different story and I haven't seen anything quite like it before. I'm very interested to see where you're going with it, as it's an event which has interested me since I was a child. It's so well-written with only a few minor mistakes here and there, and it's the definition of original. You should be very proud of this - it's highly enjoyable and a wonderful piece of work. Great job =D

This isn't the sort of thing I'm into, but for some reason, I really seemed to like this. Reading the first chapter, I felt it was almost realistic, like it was happening. The detail you used and the way you worded it makes it like that. And that's really good, making it seem realistic.
The second chapter was short, compared to the first chapter it looked tiny. But from what you wrote in it, made it git in snug. Normally going from a big chapter to a short chapter goes wrong, but I found that the second chapter didn't need a lot of words, it just fit perfectly.
The whole idea is amazing, very well written and the layout just adds the cherry on top.

Chapter One:

This is different.... In a good way. :)

Colors dance across the skin in dull hues of rich blue and purple; the green water glimmers against the dim light. For some reason, I feel as though it should be his skin, because you already said he's a man, but maybe that's just me.

"...filled with more excitement than a kid in a candy shop." Can I just point out how much I love that phrase? ;)

Mr. Ismay is a brittle looking man, his light brown hair cut sharply around his head. He has a thick moustache the size of a gutter rat, covering all of his upper lip except for a thin sliver of skin showing directly in the middle. His eyes were hungry for attention, chatting constantly about the ship making headlines. It seemed so, to Mr. Andrews, that Bruce was only a part of this ship for the money.
This was my favorite paragraph. I don't know why, perhaps it was the way you described him.
I also applaud you on the way you ended the first chapter; left me wanting more.

Chapter Two:

"After helping more than twenty people find their rooms, he finds himself on deck with hundreds of boisterous passengers shout cheerful, as well as excited farewells." Should 'with' be 'as', here, or not? I'm not quite sure I understand this sentence...

I really liked how this chapter got straight to the point, and I can really feel how happy he is. Great job, this was a really cool idea you came up with. :D

I really like the layout! i think this is set in older times, right?
wow, even from the first paragraph, i can tell this:
your very descriptive with your writng, thats good!
yep i was right, its set in 1912 :]
okay so the main character(Mr. Andrews) is a father who designs ships
and he has a father that want to design ships like him?
I can totally picture this older time setting,
and i really like it!
he must be really good, since all the compliments hes getting
I seriousy cannot get over how descriptive you are! i love it!
hahahahahaa xDD that guy's moustache must be pretty big haha
you know what this kind of reminds me of? the Titanic
wait, it is the titanic?! if it is, i totally called that haha
this is a really good story! and i think that its going to be really good!

Sorry, but you could pleasssse center the layout? Haha.
It's really bugging me.
And the font is a little hard to read.
The paragraphs are super long, which I like. But try compressing your thoughts.
Other than that, you're doing a fanastic job!!

Nicely written . I love the detail in this :)
And I love the fact how you based this off of one of my favorite movies :)
Your writing is amazing , I'm defiantly subscribing to this !