A Suburban Masterpiece - Comments

Pre-write contest review:

Layout:
The layout fit so perfectly with a story, I can't even tell you. It gave me the right vibe at the perfect parts, helpless and resentful at times, chilling at others. I really think the banner just adds to it all as well. :D

Grammar & spelling:
No mistakes as far as I could tell. :) I wish the paragraphs had had an extra space in between them, just to make reading a little easier, though, but other than that, no complaints.

Content:
I adored this. I really enjoyed the way you worded things, and how even though I don't live in suburbia, I knew what it would feel like to live there: fake. My favorite line was: Where you live and die by others’ judgments. It made suburbia feel so cold and unfair.

The last chapter was by far my favorite; I loved the description put into it and just how eery it felt, like the people in suburbia were afraid of what the outside could do to them, and how almost terrifying living in suburbia is. This was great, nice work. <3

Layout: I really like the banner and the font you used. The picture matches the title and it pulls me in wondering what I’ll read. I’m not too keen on the all black background, but that doesn’t really matter.
Content: For the first chapter I was hoping they’d rhyme. Without the rhyming it reads a bit choppy and feels out of order, if that makes sense. But that’s how I view the suburbs as well and I think you did a good job capturing that with only a few words.

Chapter two is just utterly captivating. You make fair and excellent points.

For chapter three I would use paragraph breaks instead of line breaks. It looks unorganized this way. The first line of chapter three contradicts what you write about. You state nothing happens and then go on into a big story of a neighbor. Despite that I read this chapter twice. It was SO interesting. Nothing like that has happened before. I’ve had people a kidnapper and few rapists in my neighborhood, but nothing that interesting.

Same about the paragraphs for chapter 5

Comments:I’m glad you asked me to read this, it was very intriguing. I’ve never seen a story like this on Mibba and even though they’re all on one subject you managed to write five chapters different from one another. Great job!

The title couldn't have been more accurate. It's not perfect, but it's indeed a masterpiece. Chilling at parts. I hadn't read a mibba story in a long time, and was about to give up on the site. But if someone is writing something this propositional and trenchant, I might be sticking around.

Being a suburban child myself (given it's different where I live), I can tell you I really felt it. That helplessness, that impotence, that cold, that hatred hiding behind the fakeness...

Just brilliant. Keep it up :) Loud cheers.

I really liked this.
I loved the way every chapter was written in a unique and different way.
The chapters really connected.