June 25th, 2012 at 04:32am
Stunning. That is about the only word I can really think of that would fit what I thought of your piece.
Quick basics, everything was perfect and beautifully woven together. I think I only recalled maybe about one grammar mistake, but other than that I don’t have a single complaint about the work as a whole.
It certainly was an emotional rollercoaster, I suppose that would be appropriate to say anyways. The beginning was subtle, something that drew the reader in and made them open the mind a little to expect a range of event to happen, a perfect way to begin a story in my opinion. Then after a few paragraphs into the story the emotion clouded and slipped down into the feeling of hopelessness, which you displayed and described lovely. I do enjoy a good tragic story but I also do love a feel-good happy ending. Which you balanced both things in your text beautifully. You took the emotion of roaming sadness and flipped into the feleing of hope, showing that bad events do accrue but as people say, there is always a silver lining.
My favorite line of description:
The wet soles of my shoes squeaked against the clean floor, my clothes dripping drops of sinning water on the cold, hard surface. Today’s walk seemed to take forever, the corridor appeared longer, narrower and I began to feel claustrophobic.
I loved this outstanding piece, thank you for entering.
The last two lines were amazing! It was the perfect ending to the story.
If I had to pick one thing for you to work on, it would be sentence structure. Yours wasn't at all bad, but I noticed you used a lot of the same thing.
Like, "I entered the hotel lobby, the automatic doors rolling back like a guard of honour for me."
"I took a breath, the familiar scent of burning cleaning chemicals hitting the back of my throat like medicine."
"I stepped out of my car, my foot slapping against the wet pavement."
And there are a lot more that are like that. I noticed that I fall into that same pattern a lot, and it's very hard to get out of!