January 25th, 2011 at 02:26am
Chapter One
Or, at least I thought it must have been.
^^ maybe change that to: Or, at least I thought it must have done. or Or, at least I thought it did Something like that. The way you've got it mixes up the tense a bit.
I was weighed down, three full, heavy bags, water-logged clothing, strong, mixed emotions each one refusing to be ignored.
^^ I was weighed down;....water-logged clothingmixed with some strong emotions.
I think in the second paragraph, it may be a good idea to mention what made her suddenly change her mind about the weather. As it goes along she wants the lightning to strike her etc. It's quite a sudden change to the previous paragraph where the weather was the least of her worries. What I think could be good is if you slowly began to hint at why she was running away...like a small hint that would add to the mystery of it all, I guess. But, it's quite neat how sudden her thoughts are, and you've mentioned suddenly her attitudes changed...etc. (Not necessarily your words, but the jist of them.
Because he has a right to know that's why.
^^ know, that's
I think this chapter is quite intriguing. It sort of hits all of these different thoughts in the reader. At first, we're wondering why she's out in the rain, why she would hope for a lightening bolt to strike her, why she's running away, why she's going to his particular house, who the mother and son are...and the relationship between the son and the narrator. And you don't answer them, so it's like you have to keep reading if you want to find out what happens. Which is good, because it keeps that suspense and interest going.
Chapter Two
I had no feeling of claustrophobia just that I needed
^^ claustrophobia, just or claustrophobia - just
and occasionally pulling a piece of hair or putting
^^ pulled and put...otherwise you've got a tense change which disrupts the flow of the piece. :]
eyes were a feature I avoided at all costs.
"Okay." I
:) Line break? (not that it's important). :)
I don't know what to do."
Jason sat in
^^ you definitely need the line break there. :) It could have been a mistake not noticing it when you put the story up, but because it's not there...it makes it seem like you've written them in one scene, and then somehow changed the scene without alerting the readers. :)
Aberton’s who live up
^^ lived
thinking that it is your
^^ was
Jason placed him hands
^^ his
You've changed the narration in the second chapter...and it does come off quite well, but it's an obvious change from what had been happening. You had it as first person, and then it went to third person mainly told from Jason's point of view. I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or not, so you may just have to watch out for that kind of thing. But it worked, you'know?
Also, with narration. I love your first person narration. It doesn't sound fake, conceited or bad. It sounds real. You write about everything without making the Anna sound terrible. :) Which is also quite good.
I liked the plot idea, I thought it was something fitting for the 1950s. I think what made it work was the absence of a father in Jason's house. :) It was neat, and how everything had a happy ending. :)
Tres Bien!!