Shadow Town - Comments

Goodness gracious! This is just a brilliant story. The first chapter really drew me in and the teacher and security guard really got me thinking.

The layout, darling, was beautiful. Dark and mysterious just like the story. I enjoyed it very much.

Keep up the beautiful work. You're doing fabulous!

So I guess I've read this before but I definitely don't remember it. I like how Diana notices all teh little things that surround her. Like being the last in her class, or the fact that her teacher is most likely a little creepy child molester, the fact that the security guard doesn't know how to play his game lol. Interesting piece definitely, and there were no errors that I could find.

The layout is nice and easy to look at. I like it.

The summary really shows how different Diana is. It makes me wonder why she's different.

I've only read the first chapter so far. I love how you you described everything, especially when you show how everything is predictable. The ending gave me the chills, but in a good way. The last line really hits me and pulls me into the story, making for a strong introduction.

Good work. :)

I can't leave a long comment right now, sorry. But I thought to at least let you know something.
I like it, I really do. It's well-written. You use more difficult words and different ways of saying.. normal things than others on here. My English is not good enough to explain it properly, I think. xD
But this proves it: '...their bodies had lost the capability of moving.' I liked that you put it that way and not in the ordinary way most people on here would write: 'They couldn't move.' or something like that.
You're doing a great job, Echo. <3

Okay, so I'm only going to comment on chapter one so far, but I'll probably read the rest and comment on more later :D Anyway:

As far as the layout goes, I love how the colors all matched, though I'm not a fan of the background because the image seems more like a banner than a background. Otherwise, it isn't distracting and not too difficult to read, which is nice on my eyes :) As for the summary, I liked how you incorporated a quote and the description was just long enough to give a sense of what's going on/going to happen in the story. Nicely done. :)

Onto chapter 1:

She turned my head to see the security guard leaning against the wall, looking intently at Ms. Moore. She turned your head? haha :) I think you meant "She turned her head"

That's the only mistake I found, which I commend you for that :)

The teacher and the security guard are so unctuous!!! >.> Super creeps, I must say; they are definitely not normal. If I was Diane, I would probably do something about the creepy men, like tell someone or something!!

Otherwise, you did well at portraying a 'typical, completely ordinary girl' and her family. Even so, I find myself really liking them and how they reacted to a crow being thrown at the door (before they knew it was a crow). They're like... innocent. I don't know how else to describe them.

I cannot help but wonder who threw that crow =.= I will definitely be reading the rest of this, or what you have posted so far :D Very good job so far <3

I like this. I've seen the background other places. Woo! It brings intrigue to read the story. :)

Ah, I like your writing style. It's simple, but still possesses wonderful prose and nice flow. I don't like the teacher very much, at this point. He seems to be a creeper. He be a creepin.' And the security guard needs to get his brain back in his head, and out o' his penis. xD I'm just kidding about the last part. I wonder who threw the crow. Creeper Teacher, perhaps? I have no clue. Makes me very curious and also makes the read want to continue. Awesome job here, hon.

The only problem with this is...transitions. You transition without putting a break and it can get a wee confusing. Not much because it's corrected soon, if not immediately, but they come sudden and break the story's flow. I would suggest story dividers. Otherwise, very well done, and awesomely written! ^^

Okay, so this is pretty freakin good, aha.
First of all, the layout. Not a big fan, but honestly I could read the story easily so it's all good with me. (:

I love the whole idea of this, it's just very original and nothing like I've read on Mibba so far. I like the main character. She's very real in the way that she feels that her life is too normal but when something happens she doesn't like it.

The crow thing was really creepy. That's probably what got me hooked on the story.

I feel like the last two chapters were very fast paced and you lost me a couple times with the 'silver eyes' and two men and all that. I kind of wished you took more time to explain clearly what she's seeing and such, it would make it a lot easier to understand.

Oh, and the typical part where the girl is walking alone at night and decides to investigate a strange noise in a dark alleyway part was nice. Like, it's typical but still makes kind of some sense, you know?

I think this story has great potential. Great job! <33 (:

I've only read one chapter, and already I want to subscribe.
I love your writing style, it makes everything intriguting.
Though, the teacher, was very creepy. It was scary, a little.

The layout, ties in with the creepiness of the teacher, I suppose.
Other than a few parts worded awkwardly, I have to tell you, I will read this more, and every time you update.

I read the first two chapters of this before, but I think that from chapter three onwards, your description really picks up, which is a good thing. Chapter three is much more fully fleshed-out than either of your earlier posts, and, as a result, it feels more immersive and much less rushed. This is most noticeable with your dialogue, which seems less skeletal in this chapter. I also like the way you end that chapter on a note of suspense.

Chapter four starts off mysteriously, but I'm pleased to see that your writing is continuing at the same standard. Likewise, with chapter five.

I also feel that you've got the length of your chapters about right, and it's good to see that this is progressing at a steady pace. I hope it's been fun to write!

only one chapter and I'm already way interested, can't wait to read more

So, this is for the comment swap!

I'm not a fan of the layout but it goes well with your story and it sends a chilly feeling down my spine, haha. :D

Like a lot of people said, the teacher is definitely a creep. You just get this creepy vibe from him, he's obviously some sort of pedophile and harbours strange feelings towards Diana. With all the italicised lines, that makes me think Diana is some sort of physic? Like, she seems to be able to predict other people's reactions. Omg, wut. o.o Someone threw a dead crow at the door? Eww. You're excellent at building up suspense, great job!

Haha, at Diana calling herself boring. She's actually very interesting. xD Poor Diana, being harassed by Mr Davis must be terrible :( I wonder what's with up with his obsession for her!

Ooh, someone called Romeo. I wonder who Romeo is exactly. I'm really drawn into this story, you pay great attention to detail which is a really good thing! You're very detailed without being overly so. I hate people who are so detailed, they make the reader go "yeah yeah yeah, hurry up." But you don't do that, you nailed it! Kudos for you! I wonder who that man who is staring at her ;o I got a bad feeling about him.

Oh my, Diana had a seizure :O That's so freaky, I wonder what the man is exactly. He didn't sound, exactly human. I wonder where that voice is coming from ;o Omg, did it kill the boy? :S Eek.

And the last chapter just made me go "Oh wow." ;o I don't normally read stories like this but you've perfected it. It's very interesting, I love your descriptions and the development of the plot and Diana. The whole voices thing at the end of the last chapter was a bit confusing but it was very effective, it plays on the reader's fears!

keep up the good work!

---

____WATCH ME TURN THIS AROUND

When I first clicked on your link to this story, the first thing I noticed was the layout. The tree was really creepy with the hand as a branch, definitely interesting though.

Your first chapter was good, it set up your story well, I'm curious as to what the main plot will be and what the significance of the crow being thrown at the door is and also, who or what threw it or if it just flew into the door...hmmm questions.
While reading your story I felt like some parts of it were worded a bit awkwardly but that didn't detract from your story. I noticed some errors in grammar but nothing major. This has an eerie feel to it and has the makings of a good story. Great job!

Diana Foster knew what was going to happen today. She always knows.

Because it’s always the same.
I love this line. And the rest of the chapter. When you read that line, you think "It's not going to be exactly the same." Then you read on and discover that, for Diana, it really is the same thing over and over. Brilliant execution on that. =)
And the cliff-hanger at the end of chapter 1 with the dead crow was so different that I had to read on!
And her teacher is just such a creep! X) But very real, at the same time. I've known friends who have had teachers just like that.

I love the way it's written: deacriptions, detail, and plot.
I'm subscribing.

I have to agree with silk tea. That teacher is a creep >.<

I'm not too fond of the layout cuz it repeats the picture in the background and has the chucky borderline around the chapter title. I personally am not a fan of that but I still thought it fit the story (:

Someone threw a fucking dead crow at the door?! The f? O.o

I love the way you describe things. Its simple yet endearing, just like silk tea commented. Basically she stole everything I was going to say ;-;

I think I'll subscribe so update soon (:

It's very interesting. Haha :)

The layout itself is pretty unique. :) I dig that. Most people use picture banners and patterned backgrouds, but not you - and I like that. It's different, unique, something out of the ordinary. In a way, it's refreshing. (: It's also very clean, and organized looking, too. Like, even though it's not all perfectly lined up, it's got this overall sense of order, and I like that. Not only is scary, but it's kind of pretty to look at, what with the color scheme. Even though I love color, I love this scheme loads. :) <3

The summary wasn't as enticing as I would've thought it could be, but it still roped me in all the same. Words on a way to spice it up a little would be, try a one liner? It gives a bit more mystery. If you don't wish, too, feel free to ignore me. It was merely a suggestion. <33 :)

But, on the summary now: I like how you give us that little bit of her views on life. It feels like I've got some solid ground to stand on before I even begin. Like, I know where I'm at, what mentality/mind set I should be in for reading this. Like gears, gigglys. :) Anyways, all the questions you asked towards the end have me even more curious. What is going to happen to this girl? All I know is whatever it is, it will definitely not be "average"(: <3

Onward with the reading. :)

1

I'm not entirley sure why, but to me (and this may be only to me) the beginning ( mostly the line below ) seems slightly off flow and I belive it swaps tenses for a heartbeat and then goes back to the other tense.

She always knows

*Knows should be knew.

“At home. Alone.”

That second italicized line was an in between thing for me. It was really, really funny for a second. Before I realized she was kind of being mean in the way she turned down his advances (even if the guy was a creep and didn't understand no from the way you phrased it). Like, really harsh, yet nessecary to get the point through I guess, aha. Like I said, an in between thing for me, but it definitely adds character to this story, which, even though discusess the issue of normalacy quite a bit, is incredibly unique. :)

Something that took me by surprise was the crow thing you depicted at the end. I mean, it was just so unexpected. Like, "freaking right, dinner - oh wait, Crow!?!?! D:" But then again, I had - and still have - no idea what to expect from this story, so, yeah. :) It was shocking, yes, but I'll bet it was important to the plot somehow. I'll make sure to keep my eyes open a little bit more for the unexpected, and hopefully all this will be easy enough to wrap my mind around. :) The main question in my mind now is: What lengths will you as an author go to to make sure this characters life is suddenly very, very thilling if not unordinary? What will they (their story, their life) be like?

Two things are for sure: I'm mildly enticed by this story, and I officially love your attention to detail. The little things are what count. Like, how you took us through a normal day in her life - a little quickly - and gave us these little inklings on all the characters in the enviorment and their personalities. It made this all the more enderaring, you know. (: It makes this feel a little bit easier to slide into, kind of like a cozy chair. Not saying it's boring, not at all, just saying that your way of writing is incredibly easy to read and I like that fact. <33 :) You're an amazing writer.<33

There was one little detail in particular that I really, really liked. The violet eyes. It's something common, yet something not. It's often a sign that things aren't going to be quiet or calm for long in whatever story they're depicted in and I'm incredibly curious as to how you're going to use that in this story. :) Anddddd, I think that having purple eyes would be the freakin' bee's knees. I imagine they honestly look gorgeous on a person. Haunting. Magical. Beautiful. Enchanting. Mystical. Something along those lines, yes. <33 Anyways, it was a very nice touch and I enjoy envisioning this main character wtih those odd colored eyes. It's very unnatural and therfore out of my stereotypical idea of normalacy. Awesome. (: <33

One last bit of advice before I wrap this comment up? It feels like you're mostly thinking outside your character. Like, we're not completely in her head, but only in her space. As a reader, it makes me feel kind of distant and unattached - like there's no connection between me and her. Maybe while you're writing try to include more mental/heart moments (extra emotion here and there) instead of just taking us through the motions? In the few instances there could be this feeling, it instead feels like you're just narrating, echoing empty thoughts, kind of. It may get better in the next chapters, I don't know, but hopefully, when you write, you'll try and think of the main character more personally? Like, get in their head? I'm probably not making any sense, so feel free to ignore this, aha. <33 It was just a silly suggestion.

If I came off as rude anywhere in this comment, I do apologize. It wasn't my intention in the slightest. <3 Like I stated earlier, you're an amazing writer and I really enjoyed reading this chapter. It left me with so many questions that need answers. For instance: who is this family, really? Why did someone throw a bird on their front porch? What do they want with them? Are they in danger? What secret are they keeping, if they have one? Yes, this story really got to me. I need to know what's happening. :) So, I'm subbing and I'll come back later to finish up this amazing story. <33

Really, great job so far. :)

First of all, I'm so sorry that it took me so long to get back to you >.< Things have been a bit out of whack. Anyways, I found the teacher in the first chapter a wee bit...creepy. Actually, majorly creepy. I do like what's going on in this story; it's quite intriguing and makes you wonder; and I also like how simple and nice and wonderful your writing is. I don't usually read stories like this, but I'm definitely subbing to this, seeings as it's very interesting (:
Lovely job so far! <3

I am sorry for my late comment, it kinda slipped my mind. But better late than never, right?
The layout is kinda scary, but intriguing. It also fits the title, which is good.
The summary sounds interesting. I think I will like this story!

1- First of all, after "The security guard is next.", isn't it supposed to be 'She turned her head' instead of 'She turned my head'? Just thought to point that out.
This chapter was recognizable.. ordinary. Things that could happen to everyone. The slight turn at the end -the dead crow- made it interesting. The contrast is really good. Great start!

2- Even though it already happened at the end of the first chapter, you can easily notice that it had a huge impact, that it is really going to change Diana's life. Her reactions are very human, she's definitely a realistic character and not some kind of robot. Oh, and I'm a bit... anxious about that teacher. He acts like a creep.

3- This is very, very interesting and mysterious. A lot of things are going through my head right now. You write it very well. We don't know everything, yet enough to make us think about it. Like I said, mysterious. I also love how you really press the fact that the ordinary has changed.

4, 5- I didn't stop reading to comment, I was just imagining it all and I had to continue. It's getting scary now. xD
At the end, I was way closer to the screen then I was at first. How do I explain this best... You kinda got me hypnotized. This is really good, Echo. I enjoyed it!
<3

I find the way you've written this quite endearing. That teacher was a little creep though not going to lie. I like what's happening with it and I'm so intrigued that I think I'll subscribe. You've got a very simple writing style and it reminds me of another author on here, but her name escapes me. That's a good thing by the way, I read a lot of her work. :) Anyway, lovely job. You've got another subscriber.

I liked this. It was really different, in fact, I don't think I've read a story quite like this one :D
If I get the time, I might read it all-desu!!!! ^___^
But school always seems to get in the way with reading stories, so I'll make sure I do it on the weekends-su!!!!! *dances*