Maid for Friendship - Comments

Avery good update! I like how you begun the chapter with the girls excitement, and I really think you manage to sustain their closeness of being friends and also the authenticity of the old setting throughout the chapter, so well done! I also like the mystery at the end of the chapter, which definitely makes me want to read on, and my suspicions are definitely aroused about Lucy and the mistress. I also like the fact that Lucy definitely has that special thing about her that makes her unique; which is her daring and flirtatious attitudes and then there is of course the fact that she’s hiding something. I would also maybe like to see more of these special characteristics in the other characters, such as the mistress, or maybe Ruth herself? Also maybe more references and reasons behind their excitement of going on the Titanic. Is this Ruth’s major ambition that really drives her? Are there lots of rumors going around about how glamorous, magnificent or even the dangers of it?

Just a couple of things I wasn’t so sure about… “We are truly now a jealous throng of maids – not really sure what that’s supposed to mean?

“Come on.” I urged her as we started to walk in the direction of Modern food, the café we would meet our new Mistress. – you’re missing the where

But we were only teasing each other and we both knew it. We both fell silent. A huge building loomed over us.… maybe thing of a better way to phrase things instead of repeating the ‘we both’ line.

We were the only inside apart from a pale white woman with loose curly blonde hair similar to Lucy’s. – missing the we were the only people

“- Lucy and Ruth I suppose?” – although a small thing, might be an idea for the Mistress to say their full names here?

Lastly, with the structure of your story, you should also miss a line between the speech as well. Apart from those small practical things, I really like this so far. Keep working it, keep trying to better and develop your voice as a writer as well. Don’t give up! I’m looking forward to seeing where you take this (:

I'm sorry, but it really bothers me when people say "the Titanic", also names of ships are always italicized.

Story Review Thread

]Layout
I feel as though this could probably be improved. It doesn't really draw the eye and isn't the prettiest thing to look at.

Summary.
To be honest, it doesn't make a great deal of sense.

Two girls, one ship, on the biggest ship man ever saw. It's the titanic, where the biggest tragedy man ever saw took place. Will they survive?

So you're saying, two girls and one ship are on the biggest ship that man ever saw? Also, since Titanic is the name of the ship it needs to be capitalized. The second sentence is also kind of worded awkwardly. Since you used the phrase 'man ever saw' in both sentences it doesn't really flow nicely. So I think that if you changed that, if could work much better...

Content
The opening sentence isn't very appealing. I mean, it has the potential to be with some detail or something of the sort...

The very first dialogue sentence--because it isn't punctuated correctly it doesn't flow right. I'm not sure if she's saying "up you get now." or "now it's our turn."

I was quickly up and awake. this is unrealistic. Unless you just had a nightmare or heard an extremely loud noise no one is awake and alert that first. She would be groggy or something of the sort.

Mr’s bathroom. what does this mean? Mr's bathroom? Who is Mr? Or are you saying master? If you are saying mister--it needs to be spelled out. You only abbreviate when in front of a name. Mr. Johnson's. Mister's bathroom.

I notice throughout the story you refer to this man as 'Mr'. It should be Mister. Since there's no name after it. Also, a lot of your sentences kind of blend together or don't make much sense. Your attention to detail seems to be lacking and I feel if you spent more time on that then everything would actually seem clear and it would be understandable.

I looked pale white, like the vampires and mistresses who wear too much cheek powder. Are vampires real in this story? You make it seem as though they are...

My long straight brown hair was being wrapped up into a tight secure bun You've already stated this, I don't think it needs to be said again--you've already mentioned her hair was being done up this is just the same sentence written differently.

I'm going to stop here. Everything I say will be as similar as the things before. Your attention to detail needs to improve. I feel as though you're just writing things and not really thinking them through or reading them. Almost like you just want to get through it, if you get what I mean. Some small points in here seem irrelevant while others seem relevant but you don't really even expand on them.

Overall
I think once you possibly get a beta or something of the sort, and have someone help you sort through this and organize your thoughts and sentences this could be interesting. I've never read a fanfiction about the Titanic and I'm interested to see what you've got in store for these two ladies.

Firstly this is fantastic, I like the idea and the wording is good.
but there are a few small mistakes
tp cut our hair tp should be to
and the word boyfriend seems out of keep with the timing, something more old fashioned like suitor might fit better.
I think that was all
all this stroy that needs is a tiny bit of tweaking to go from brillant to fantastic.

Haha, what a coincidence about the girls name being the same as Rose's mum, it's quite a common name. I was really surprised with this story, it's actually really good. I cans see that your really developing as a writer to create your own style. I can see that you really pay attention to characters and setting which means for a first chapter that does not maybe include as much 'action' it's still interesting and engaging for the reader.

Still a few little grammar mistakes which I'm going to be annoying and nag you about (:

...My long straight brow hair - brow should be brown.

Lucy struggled with t and- t should be to

We aren’t allowed t cut our hair - t should be to

and that's all I can notice. I really like this so far it may be the best you've written yet (: Now all you have to do is continue, I want more! x

Ruth is the name of Rose's mom in the movie.